Little Maura
by L.S Jay
Summary: When leaving everything behind is the only way to heal, breaking hearts is an unavoidable outcome.. Maura telling the story six years later and Jane telling her own. Give it a try :)
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! This's my first story in English. Well, even in my mother language I only write short stories on my blog, so that makes it my first multi-chapters story ever!**

 **Anyway, this's a story inside of a story told from Maura's POV, talking about love, friendship and family.. There is angst, drama, romance and so much more..**

 **This is Not Rizzoli &isles/Grey's Anatomy cross over... I just needed a hospital in some city other than Boston, it would only make a sense to use one I already know..**

 **Any error or mistake is mine. I tried to be as thorough as possible.. You can only imagine how difficult it is to write in your 4th language!**

 **Please if there is any advice, remark or critique feel free to leave a review or contact me.. I really hope someone will like the story enough to beta-read the upcoming chapter(s).**

 **That will be all for now.. Enjoy!**

 **Oh I almost forgot; I own nothing of course.**

 **L.S**

"Happy birthday mama! I love you"

I heard my five years old son James say sweetly. He was looking up at me with so much love in his beautiful hazel eyes, it almost brought me to tears. I was loved that much once before. _She_ used to look at me the same way; like I'm the sun and the moon and every star in between. Did _she_ drown in the darkness when I left? Or had _she_ found someone else who lights up _her_ life now? Does _she_ look at them the same way? I would never know. Part of me hopes so, so all the pain we both endured wouldn't be in vain. The other part still aches as though those six years had never passed. _She_ is nowhere near me and yet _She_ is everywhere. I see _her_ in the morning coffee, burger commercials, baseball games, little black dresses, Italian films, my daily glass of wine, my reflection in the mirror.. I even see _her_ in my son who looks nothing like _her_!

"Mama! Are you ok?" James's voice took me out of the reverie I often find myself trapped in.

"Wha.. Yes I'm fine. Why?"

" you have tears in you face.. Are you sad again?" He reached out to touch my face which was was a way out of his reach. I bent down to meet him half way. His touch was so soft it made me close my eyes. Few more tears made their way down my cheeks in the process. I wasn't even aware I was crying until he pointed it out. I usually make sure he was nowhere around me when I let the reins of my emotions slip out of my hands, but some days were harder than others. Some days I just miss _her_ so much that I can't even breath.

I opened my eyes to find his shut. He kept moving his thumbs up and down my cheeks with closed eyes as if he was trying to wash away my sadness. God, if touches could heal! Does _she_ have someone to wipe away her tears?

"Oh.. No darling, I'm not sad. I'm just little bit emotional at this moment." It gets easier and easier every time I tell the lie. I had to convince my mind that it's an absolute truth so I wouldn't break into hives every single time. I wiped my face dry and forced a weak smile to look more convincing, which did the trick. "Don't worry about me sweet boy.. I just love you so, so much and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. You know that, right?"

" Yes I do" He answered my rhetorical question enthusiastically that I had to chuckle a little bit.. My boy tends to be a tad literal like his mama. "Big Jay said that a mother always loves her child no matter what, even before their birth. It means you loved me longer than I loved you, That's why I should be a good boy so I can make it up to you." He finished beaming with pride of what he just said, and I just stared at him astonished for a moment until a thought occurred to me.

"Who's Big Jay?" I asked.

"I told you about Jayden's.. Oh I forgot you present in my room. May I go upstairs to bring it?"

" yes, you may" I permitted feeling puzzled over the sudden change of subject, but I had to smile at his persistence to use a proper language.

He came back a minute later with a haphazardly wrapped cylindrical object in his hands.

"I made you this… I hope you'd like" He handed it to me with a hopeful smile gracing his handsome features. He looked so cute biting his lower lip in anticipation, just like _she_ used to do. And just like I used to do with _her_ , I kissed him and brought him to my lap to shower him with even more kisses.

"Of course I will like it, it's from you! And It's so sweet of you to make it sweetheart" I gave him one more kiss before I start unwrapping the gift. "Here we go.."

Under the red wrapper It was a simple coffee mug with a childish drawing of what it supposed to be a blond-haired woman holding hands with a small child. Under it was written 'Mama & Mini Jay'.

"Oh it so beautiful honey.. Did you draw it ?" I gushed with teary eyes hugging him tightly.

"Yes.. The woman is you and the boy is me.. Turn it around"

I did as I was told, only to find three sentences in James's handwriting :

 **You are the best mama in the whole universe**

 **You are my best friend**

 **You are my 'little Maura'**

 **M.J**

I was at lost of what to do or say, it was my very first gift from James.. I wasn't used to such sweet gestures even after years full of them. The years I spent with _her_. _She_ used to blame the way I grew up deprived of affections and kindness that wasn't coming from my nannies and teachers out of pity or obligation. Every time I stood speechless over the slightest sweet thing _she_ had done for me, _she_ would start cursing my parents who benignly neglected me and my classmates who bullied me for being different, and every lover who didn't bother to see past my physical attributes and my bank accounts to really see me.. And then _she_ would take me in _her_ arms until I rein my emotions whispering how much _she_ loved me and how much _she_ was grateful for my mere existence in this world.

And there was my son with the same look, taking after her to show me that I still am worthy of love. To him, I'm the best person in the world, I do no wrong. In his innocent eyes I'm a saint. Does a child love their mother no matter what? Even if she broke someone's heart? I hope so.

I look at my new precious treasure one more time before hugging James once more – grateful he liked to be hugged unlike her- and spoke softly into his ear..

"and you –my dear- are the perfect son, thank so much you for the mug.. I promise to use it every day, but I have a question: what do you mean by 'little Maura?"

"Oh it's the main character in the story Big Jay tells us in the hospital nursery.. She said that every one deserves to have their 'little Maura'.. And you are mine" he explained smiling at me. Could his smile get any sweeter!

"Oh that's so sweet, I'm honored to be that for you.. Remind me who's this Big Jay person again?" I inquired curiously.

" I told you about her before. Remember my new friend Jayden?"

" isn't he the boy whom you found crying in the hallways because his mother was badly hurt?" I still remember that day, about two weeks ago, when I picked a red-eyed James from the nursery. He spent the ride home telling me the story of the crying kid he met in hallways. Despite the unfortunate circumstances, I found it quite sweet that my little boy got emotional over someone else's misfortune, starting to show sympathy in his early age.

" yes, both his mothers were hurt.. his mommy Alice is still asleep. Big Jay is his other mother. She is ok now, but she leaves him with us in the nursery because she and his uncle Adam have to work.. They come to the hospital every day to see Alice and Emma.. Emma is Jayden little sister.. She's so small and red.. She was purple before.. She lives in a glasslike box because she is sick.." At that point I knew my son started digressing as usual while being excited about something..

" okay then.." I cut him off before he starts describing every member in his friend's family tree. "So Big Jay is Jayden's mother, Alice is his other mother, Adam is his uncle and Emma is his newborn sister. Alright.. So tell me; Why do you call her Big Jay?"

"It's her nickname mama" he said with a 'duh' expression in his face I couldn't help but laugh ."She is Big Jay , Jayden is Little Jay, I'm Mini jay, Zola in Zu, Sofia is Sofy, Bailey is Baiy, Emma is Em.."

And he kept going on and on until the last name, while I had no idea who the half of kids are and what their parents do in the hospital. What intrigued me was the fact that he never liked the nursery or talk about it. He was such a shy kid. never one to initiate a conversation with his peers or gets zealous about the play dates… He was so quit and reserved with other children. I was always afraid he would become a mini version of me And have the same dreadful childhood. Listening to him talking animatedly about the other kids as though they were his friends for years was quite refreshing.

"Well that's interesting mini Jay" I noticed his face lit up upon hearing the nickname, so I carried on " would you like me call you Jay from now on?"

"Yes please Mama" it always amazed me how much James and I had in common; a simple thing like a nickname could make us so happy!

"ok Jay, now tell me what the story is about "

" the story named 'little Maura'. It's about a little girl who lived in a small town. She was so different from all the kid in there that no one want to be her friend. No one understood her, not even her parents.. One day she woke up and found this little girl about her age, in her room. Little Maura asked her about her name and what she was doing in the room and how she got in there, but the other girl couldn't answer her because she couldn't remember anything about herself.. little Maura soon found that no one, other than herself, can see the other girl, that's why her parents and the kids at school didn't believe her when she told them about her friend and started making fun of her and calling her liar. One day little Maura decided she wants to prove that Alice, that was the name they agreed to call the other girl, is not imaginary. So they started thinking about a way to prove everyone wrong. And then Alice told Little Maura that the only way to do that is to find Alice physical self and that's how they started their journey to find the real Alice. It's little Jay's favorite bedtime story.. That day when I found him in hallways, he was crying because he wanted to sleep in Big Jay's room so she cloud tell him the story but that was not allowed so she had this idea. she would tell him the story -before his uncle takes him home- to record it in his phone so he can listen to it before sleep.. When I asked her if I could record it too she said yes and decided to start it from the beginning.. I too listen to them after my sitter tucks me in bed when you work late"

While James kept talking about the story I found myself feeling uneasy, and too destructed to feel guilty about missing his bedtime too often lately. Could it be a coincidence? The same name, the same childhood story, and this jay person.. Could she be.. No.

"Ok Honey.. Mama has a call to make .. Go read a book or watch TV before your bedtime."

After I made sure James was out of earshot, I picked my phone to make the call.

"Hey birthday girl.. You finally decided to go out with us ?" Came my friend's voice from the other end. Arizona Robins and I go way back to med school. We were more of acquaintances than friends back than, but we kept in touch during the years. She was the one who suggested my name for my current job in 'Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital'. Since than we grew closer to become friends which makes sense, since we had so much in common; We both went through an emotionally and physically traumatic ordeal that changed our lives for good. We suffered losses that could have brought us to our knees, but somehow we managed to find a reason to move on with our lives, each in her own way.

"Hey Arizona.. no, I'm spending the evening with James.. I actually called to asked about a patient.. A woman James called Big Jay, apparently her wife is still in the hospital, comatose after giving birth to a little girl possibly prematurely. Do you know anything about her? Her name for a start?"

"Ah you mean Superwoman?" I could hear amusement in her tone.

"What?"

" your talking about the woman who tells the kids stories, right?"

" yes, James told me she tells them daily stories after visiting her wife and daughter"

"So you're talking about Superwoman" after not noticing any sign of acknowledgement from my part, she sighed in disbelief. "Come on Dorth, you must have heard about her"

"I can assure you I absolutely have no idea what you're talking about" I answered sincerely not understanding why should I know about the woman and her silly nickname. _Superwoman_! Really?!

"Oh God woman, sometimes I forgot we even work at the same hospital! You have to get out of that basement every now and then, see the daylight and the beautiful sun.. You know the sun right? The bight and shiny-.."

"Good grief Robins! It's not the time for your sarcasm.. Just answer the question!" Usually I would indulge in her teasing, but not at that moment when everything I'd built in the last six years could be at risk.

"Ok, fine.. But you really need to get a life outside that hole Dorth! Anyway, about two weeks ago, a woman burst into the ER carrying a very pregnant woman in her arms begging for help. Before the nurse could ask her anything about what happened, the woman suddenly collapsed. It turn out she was shot twice; in her left leg and right shoulder both through and through.."

"What?! How that even possible?!" My stomach knotted slightly. The familiarity of it all was unsettling at best.

"Yeah, you can say that again. How she managed to do it is beyond me. I mean.. she must have driven to the hospital, and at least carried her from the car to the ER.. Not to mention how she got her into the car in the first place.. God I'm dying to know what the hell happen to them?! The pregnant woman's injuries were consistent with being tortured. It was really horrible to witness Maura .. Thank God we were able to save the baby before it was too late.. The poor mother is still in coma, Sheepherd said it's matter of time now, to see if she would ever wake up.. It's just so not fair you know" at that point Arizona started getting exasperated. "it somehow reminds me of how Callie and I almost lost Sofia.. That was horrible too.."

Oh No! not that accident anecdote again! if not stopped, Arizona could go on and on about how it wasn't her fault, and the truck that came out of nowhere and the agonizing waiting and the fight with the baby's father.. It was all too sad to hear it for the millionth time, and I wasn't really in the mood.

"Arizona, honey please focus!" I cut her off, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah right, sorry.. Well, you know now where the nickname came from, it's suitable right?.. Anyway, a couple of hours after we took them both to the OR, FBI agents showed up looking for them! And that's it"

"What's her name? the superwoman I mean" I could feel my heartbeat increasing with the passing second as I braced myself to hear the answer.

"Who knows! Their identity was kept secret for their safety; the Chief said.. They even put the whole damn wing on the watch.. Everywhere you turn there is black suits with stoic faces.. It's feels like an action movie of sort " she scoffed before she continued " All I know is that our Superwoman got herself discharged from the hospital AMA after only four days. She visits everyday though. we think she's an FBI agent.. She has to be, I mean she comes and goes freely and I even saw her once wearing one of those cliché Feds suits. It looked sexy on her though unlike her fellow male agents.. But than again when I ever found a man sexy?"

I could hear her laughing at her own joke and I found my laughter tagging along. However, the feeling of unease only increased tenfold with the new informations. Everything sounds too familiar for my liking.

" an FBI agent! Hmmm.. What does she look like? Can you describe her?" I asked crossing my fingers. So much for the atheist I am!

"Well, she's hot" she breathed and my eyes at that point started to hurt from the too many times I rolled them during the conversation.

"So God help me, Robins.. Can't you keep in your pants and be serious for once in you life?" I nearly yelled.

"Whoa.. What hair got up your ass Dorth? What is it with the third degree?!" Countered defensively.

"Please Arizona, can you just answer the question?!" I begged through my my gritted teeth. I could feel my patience wearing thin, but I didn't what her to pick on what was really going on my mind and start asking questions I wasn't ready to answer. Arizona was the only person here who knew about what happen six years ago, but not the whole story. She doesn't know about her. For all she cares, she was my best friend whom I lost contact with after I moved to Seattle.

" okey fine.. She's a brunette.. Late thirties.. Um.. very tall, super model kind of tall.. Slender, super model kind of slender.. Long black hair.. big dark brown eyes.. Toned body..To sum it up, she's sexy, super model kind of sexy" she chuckled a little, God knows the woman can't help herself even if her life depends on it! I could have laughed at her antics if I wasn't feeling sick all of a sudden.

"Okay thank you so much.. I apologize for my rudeness.. I just had a rough day" I managed to say desperate to end the conversation.

" Don't worry about it Isles.. Are you ok though? Do you want me to come over?" Arizona asked kindly, a hint of concern creeping into her voice. I could tell she started to sense that something was off.

"No, I'm fine just tired.. Thank for the offer though.. I'll see you tomorrow.. Goodnight" I hurried to hang up before the flood of questions starts.

 _Brunette.. Late thirties.. Tall.. Slender.. Black hair.. Big dark brown eyes.. Jay.. Little Maura .. Emma_

No. It can't be her.. The woman is married with a son around James age.. She couldn't possibly move on, get married and have a child in a matter of months.. Could she? As far as I know, she has yet to sign the divorce papers my lawyer gave her years ago.

And there was the FBI agent part. I know she hates the Feds, she wouldn't leave BPD to work for them, would she?

And what on earth would she be doing here,in Seattle? And what's the odds she would end up in this hospital of all the places?

If it was really her, did she know I work there? Does she know who James is?

Too much questions with no answers. My head started to ache.

I hate not knowing, and I hate to guess or jump to conclusions even more. I had to know for sure who this mysterious woman is, but how?

 _The Records_. I could almost feel the proverbial lightbulb lights up above my head. I recalled James talking about recording her stories. I would know if it was her from the voice.

"James" I forgot everything about his new nickname at that point.

"Yes Mama?" If he was disappointed that I didn't call him Jay he didn't show it.

"Do you still have the stories recorded in you phone? I would love to listen to them" I struggled to keep my voice light and steady.

"Yes mama.. Here" He handed me his cellphone, and went back to whatever kids show he was so engrossingly watching. I easily found the sound records, and randomly chose one. I went to play it,, but my fears got the better of me.

It can be her voice I'm about to hear; her beautiful husky deep voice I missed so much that I'm not sure I can handle hearing it again.

It can be someone else's voice, and all the similarities are just some sort of a sick joke the universe is playing on me. Would I be disappointed?

And what if it's really her?

During my mental debate, my left thumb grew a mind of its own and pressed 'play', startling me out of my deep thoughts. then I heard it.

"Ok kiddos, here we go with another adventure of Little Maura and her friend Alice.. "

For a split moment I thought my heart ceased to beat. Everything went still as if the planet itself stopped spinning only to have my head taking over that task a moment later.

"Oh My God.." A whisper slipped from between my quivering lips.

It's _Jane_.


	2. Chapter 2

..

 **Thanks for reading. Enjoy!**

 **I own few things in this world; Rizzoli &isles is not one them.**

* * *

Run Maura.. Run!

 _I keep telling myself._

' _If you can't fight, run as fast as you can' Jane told me once._

 _And run I do, willing my shaky legs to move forwards; running as though I'm chased by death itself. And I might be._

 _It's pitch dark in here, in the middle of nowhere. I don't know where I am, nor what I'm heading toward. All I know is that I have to run._

 _I continue to penetrate the thick fog aimlessly, not knowing what kind of dangers is lurking in the dreadful darkness of the night.._

 _Every single muscle in my body aches. My heart's beating against my ribcage like it's trying to break free, pumping fear-filled blood into my veins; my adrenal glands are feeling so generous at this point. My lungs burn, and my breathing is getting labored by the passing second, but I keep going. My mind is racing like a maniac;_ _Do not stop!_ _And don't. I don't think I can, even if I want to. It feels like descending a never-ending hill in hell.._

 _He's right behind me, I can tell. No matter how fast I run, I still can feel his sickening breath on my nape. I, nonetheless, will my drained body to move faster._

Run, damn it!

 _I keep repeating the mantra religiously in my mind. I'm so tired and terrified like I've never been before. I feel like a helpless, lonely prey in the middle a heated chase._

Maura! Where are you?

 _Is that Jane's voice shouting my name?_

 _Hearing anything over my loud breathing and my heartbeats that echo in my ears, is a real struggle._

Maura!

 _Yes, it's Jane. She keeps calling my name over and over like a possessed woman. She sounds so desperate, it nearly breaks my heart._

 _I want to scream; to call her name back, but my overworked lungs send a sharp surge of pain in protest, setting my chest on fire .. I Instead opt to run towards where her voice is coming from._

 _He's sill on my tail like a ruthless shadow, forcing me to push myself harder which I dutifully do, now that I'm fueled by hope as well as fear. Jane is here!_

 _I gather what remained of my strength and put it to use. I run even faster, but Something is off. I can feel it in my guts as Jane would say. The closer I get, the faintest her voice becomRes. It doesn't make any sense! Her fading shouts, now, are making me more lost and lonely than I was before. I'm on my own again._

Please Jane, find me!

 _I keep pleading over and over in my head, willing my plea to reach, telepathically, jane's mind. I know there is no such a thing, but my rational self is nowhere to be found. At this moment, I'm ruled by desperation and sheer terror._

 _I look behind me for a second and suddenly I'm hugging the ground! I must have tripped over something. I knew it was a terrible idea. Why I looked back?_

Stupid Maura.. Stupid!

 _I can hear him coming closer, and closer. The stillness of the night emphasizes the hollow sound of his footsteps that echoes in my head like a countdown to my very ending. The dim moonlight –peeking from behind the clouds- gives his advancing figure a shadowy appearance, which did nothing to lessen the intensity of the trepidation that fills every cell in my body._

 _I want to rise to my feet and run, but my body is having none of it. I can't move it like it's been glued to the ground. I'm paralyzed by exhaustion and fear._

No ! Please God no _…_

 _I cry and pray to a deity I don't even believe in, knowing deep down it's all falling on deaf ears._

 _He keeps his advance undisrupted, and all of a sudden I feel betrayed by everything; God, my own body, whatever thing I tripped over, the moon that is shyly hiding behind the clouds and the stars that didn't show up tonight to light up the path, people in the safety of their homes, the world that is not coming to end over my predicament.. Jane who takes too long to find me! Her voice now sounds like it's coming from a memory or a dream. Or does it sound like a whisper?!_

 _I can feel him hovering over my shaken body, stripping me out of control. I swallow hard and close my eyes shut. Tears of helplessness start to fall down my cheeks, only to end their short lives on the edge my lips. My weakness tastes like salt, bitterness and shame._

Come on, get up Maura! Fight..

 _A small voice encourages in my head._

You run because You CAN'T FIGHT moron, remember? You, weak, disgusting, pathetic woman _!_

 _An angry voice shouts back._

 _The two keep their shouting match going on in my head, and I feel like I'm going insane. At least they're working as distraction from what –I know- is about to occur._

 _I have an odd feeling of tedious familiarity about the whole situation. like a déjà-vu or an out-of-body experience of sort . I can see what's happening without actually seeing it; he is hovering over my body taking advantage of my state of weakness. I see the whole thing but I feel nothing. I know somehow I should feel something; The pain for instance.. the weight of his body atop mine.. the callus of his large hands pinning me down by my wrists.. the drops of his perspiration running down my face.. I should feel something but I simply don't, as though all the images are from a distant memory. Am I numb? Am I dead? Is any of this real? It's all too confusing to tell which is which._

 _I open my eyes to look at my nightmare. Instead of the monster's eyes, I find a set of beautiful dark brown ones mirroring a sight of a broken soul inside. I know those sad eyes; I love them. It's Jane's.._

Oh God, No! It's too late!

* * *

I woke with a start, panting and shaking from head to toes, with hot tears falling freely down my face. It had been a while since I had this particular awful dream. My usual nightmares were more of flashbacks than the products of my unforgiving subconscious. They would usually end with me sobbing myself to consciousness. A prolonged shower and and quick visit to James's room would, usually, be enough to help me restore my peace of mind.

In the case of this dream, however, there wasn't much to do in order to help me forget. The nightmare stays with me all the day along, taunting me to analyze every second of it in hope to decipher its meaning. The days afterwards were never the best . Not for me, nor for the unlucky people around.

Thinking about my nights terrors as 'usual occurrences' caused a humorless, bitter laugh to leave my mouth. One would think after all these years, my nocturnal life would be more peaceful by now, but that wasn't the case. My therapist says I'm the one hindering my own progress by refusing to let go; pinning over the past like a ghost with an unfinished business on the earth. _How scientific of him!_

After few minutes in bed convincing myself that it was just a dream, I decided to move my body to taste my theory, letting a small sigh of relief when my limbs obeyed. I turned my head to look at the digital clock on the night stand. It was 04:05 am; an hour before my alarm usually goes off.

I must have fallen asleep at some point while listening to the first of Jane's stories. I decided to give it a try after sleep chose to get more elusive than usual. I'd been out for less than three hours, which I would have to make do with, since there was no getting back to sleep. I discovered during the past few years that a restful night, for me, had become too much to ask for; Sleep hadn't been my ally since that dreadful night.

I moved my sweaty mess out of bed, toward the in-suite bathroom to take a shower, before it was time to make few calls. One of them to take a day off. Calling in sick after the night I just had would be the best course of action..

I was almost finished stripping out of my nightgown, when I caught my reflection in the mirror above the sink. The familiar wreck –that particular nightmare always leaves in its wake- was starting back at me.

There was the woman who left Boston six years ago, with nothing but a suitcase and a life growing inside her violated body and lifeless heart.

There was the wife who broke more of her marital vows than she managed to keep.

There was the coward who fled her home in the wee hours, leaving a letter behind along with more broken hearts than she cares to admit.

There was the stranger who spent hours and hours sitting on the park bench like a statue, dwelling in the past; trapped inside her overactive memory.

There was the broken woman I decided to bury somewhere in the back of my mind, the moment I held James in my arms for the first time.

There was the 'me' that emerges from my subconscious after every nightmare, trying to take control.

It took a moment to get her back to whatever part of my mind she crawled out from. It's a fight I win every time, since losing is not an option. I have a son who needs me. I have a promise to keep.

 _No one can break you unless you let them. Promise to never give anyone that kind of power over you!_

Jane's words were still ringing in my ears since the day I broke down after Dennis Rockman nearly ended my life. I broke the promise once before, and I wasn't about to make it twice.

I looked at the mirror once again, and this time I had to smile at the sight of the strong-willed woman that greeted my eyes. Facing nightmares almost every night requires a great amount of strength, I must admit.

Standing there, wearing nothing but a smile, I found my admiration for my beautiful wife (or is it ex-wife?) reaching a new level. Jane had more than her fair share of encounters with evil, but she had never allowed the monsters's nightly, unwanted visits to break her or manipulate her psyche. She succeeded to beat them almost every time. And in the rare nights when it all became too much, I was there to hold her until her boogeyman admits defeat. Does the terrors she wetnesses on daily basis still disrupt her sleep? Does she allow _her wife_ to hold her as she used to do with me?

 _Don't go there Maura.. Don't think about it_. I caught myself just in time, pushing my perspiration-covered body under the hot water hoping against hope, it would be enough -this time- to wash the bad dream and the painful memories away.

I stood in the stall with my eyes closed, enjoying the warmth of the water enveloping me, while letting my mind drift to the first chapter of 'Little Maura' I was listening to, until Jane's heavenly voice lulled me to sleep.

" _Hey guys, ready to start the story?_ " The recording started with jane's voice sounding softer than I've ever heard before, carrying a childish enthusiasm that reminded me of James's.

" _YES_ " came the answer in unison from her equally excited audience.

" _Okay than, here we go.._

* * *

 _Once upon a time, in small town called 'Snobsville', there was a little girl, about a couple of years older than you are. Her name was Maura._

 _With a smooth, oval face adorned with a faint powder of cute freckles on the cheeks, a set of big beautiful eyes that shine with a never-ending curiosity, and honey-blonde hair falling down her shoulder like a cascade of silk, Little Maura was one of the most beautiful girls in the town, if not in the world!_

 _However, every time she looked at herself in the mirror, all she could see is a reflection of a lonely, friendless girl. None of the town kids wanted to befriend her; some were intimidated by her intelligence, others were jealous of her beauty, and the rest were mean to her just because they couldn't be like her. They bullied her and called her names that caused more than a few tears to fall from her beautiful eyes. Things were not much better with adults. You see, Little Maura was a real genius and an avid reader, she read a lot of books, and sometimes her vast knowledge puts some of her parents's friends in very embarrassing situations; having a small child questioning the accuracy of your informations, was not something to be thrilled about, in a town when everything is about appearances and the public image. which means people there cared about what others think of them more than anything else. That's why they found it extremely annoying when Little Maura, without intending, embarrasses them by correcting their inaccuracies; the word means things that are incorrect. They all, adult and children, were secretly envious of her because she was different._

 _Her adoptive parents loved her dearly, but much like everyone in 'Snobsville', they had a hard time trying to understand her. Sometimes, they wished she was more like her peers. They wished she was 'normal'. And let me tell you this my dear little friends, 'normal' is overrated. Normal means in this case 'average', and Little Maura was anything but. Our lovely girl was very special; she had yet to know._

 _Eventually, they gave up trying, and decided to leave their only child to her own devices thinking it was for her best. They weren't bad people, neither was the majority the town, for that matter. They just weren't used to deal with differences. They were all alike; they behave in the same way, talk in the same manner, dress in the same fashion.. they even share the same dreams and set the same goals for the future.. That's why Maura stood out, among them, like a sore thumb._

 _Like a I said before, Maura's parents loved her so much, but unfortunately they didn't know how to show her.. We all know that, but poor little Maura didn't. She spent countless night in the company of her tears, trying to understand why no one wants to be around her? Why no one loves her? What was so wrong with her that she was always left out like she doesn't belong? The honey-blonde girl, like every person in this world, yearned to be loved as she, deep down, knew she deserved. She craved the feeling of belonging. She wished for a friend. And as we all know, sometimes, wishes can come true._

 _One morning, Little Maura woke up at dawn as she usually do to enjoy the sunrise. Yes, our favorite girl was an early bird, unlike myself.. I'm not much of a morning person, and by the look of it, neither are you! Anyway, back to the story._

 _When Little Maura rose from her comfortable bed that morning, she sensed the presence of someone in her room. Her parents had never entered her space without knocking, and it was too early for the maid to start tidying up. She looked around only to find a little dark-haired girl around her age standing in farther corner of the room, her face mirroring the confusion that showed on Maura's features._

"Who are you? And what are you doing here? _" Maura asked the intruder. Oddly enough, she didn't feel scared or threatened by the other girl; only curious. Of course this in the story. In the reality, if you as much as caught the whiff of a stranger in you room I want you to scream as loud as your vocal cords would allow, than run. Understood? Now lets go back to the story._

 _The dark-haired stranger just stood there, not answering._

"Why are you not answering? How did you get in here? Are you one of the maid's daughters? _"_

 _No word came out of the other girl's mouth. Maura started to get irritated._

"If you refuse to talk to me, I'm sure my father would want to know about the intruder who slipped into his house without permission! _" Maura almost instantly started to feel sorry for being so harsh with the confused-looking girl._

"I'm not scared of you or your father. You're as intimidating as a small puppy.. I just don't know how to answer your stupid questions. _" Said the other girl angrily._

"I'm not as intimidating as a puppy! _" Little Maura felt offended. "_ Wait.. How do you mean you don't know how to answer?! _"_

"I.. I just don't know who am I, where I came from and what I'm doing here.. I can't remember anything! _" The other girl, who stood slightly taller than Maura, sounded scared and lost and somehow small.._

"Oh.. You're probably suffering from amnesia! _" Stated Little Maura, feeling sorry for other girl._

"Amni..What _?" Asked the girl bewildered, which means perplexed or baffled, which means confused. I like to use big words because I'm an adult; thus knowing more words than you do.. Well, at least I hope that's the case!_

 _Anyway, I'm just kidding about the big words thing, but Little Maura liked to use them. Not to show off her vast vocabulary or anything. It was just how she speaks._

"Amnesia.. It means a partial or total loss of memory caused by brain damage, disease, or psychological trauma _" explained Little Maura simply, as though it was a common knowledge._

"Yeah, right.. Um, I guess I have this amnesia thing _" said the taller girl unsurely, making her way to sit on the edge of the bed. Little Maura joined her without a second thought._

 _Silence enveloped the room for a few minutes before Maura tilted her head slightly to the right and said:_

"Did you know that amnesia can also be caused temporarily by the use of various hypnotic drugs. There is specific type of amnesia called 'Drug-induced amnesia' in which they intentionally inject the patient with an amnesiac drug to help them forget surgery or medical procedures.. There are other types of amnesia such as 'Anterograde amnesia' and 'Retrograde amnesia'.. But the most common is 'Post-traumatic amnesia' which is generally caused by – _"_

 _Little Maura had to put an end to her 'facts-spouting' after seeing the other girl's shocked face._

"Oh I'm sorry, you must be thinking I'm weird. I'm not.. Or maybe I am. I.. I just read a lot. Sometimes I tend to over-share facts about the new things I learnt. And now you think I'm boring! Great _" Maura put her hands in her lap after mumbling the last few words, her eyes falling to her feet in embarrassment._

"What? No! Why would I think that? _" Exclaimed the other girl confused. She reached to lift Maura's face by the chin to look at her in the eye before resuming talking "_ hey, look at me.. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed of who you are. I know we just met but believe me when I say you are not weird. Well maybe just little, but it's good kind of weird. I like it. And you are certainly not boring.. I mean how could you be if you always walk around spouting facts about new stuff? Right?.. You must be really smart! _" she added with a smile._

"Actually, I'm a genius _" replied Maura matter-of-factly._

"A very humble one too _" commented the other girl sarcastically, chuckling at Maura's endearing quirks. "_ that's cool _"_

"Really _?" The blonde-haired girl asked in disbelief._

"Yeah.. Why do you sound so surprised? _"_

" Maybe because you are the first person to ever describe me as cool. Kids at my school think I'm boring, the older people in town find me annoying. Even my parents think I'm not normal because I don't have friends and I spend all my free time alone with books _" answered Little Maura with a sad tone._

"That's.. That's so mean! For what it's worth, I think you're.. Umm.. I'm not good with words like you but I'll go with 'different'.. I think you're different and interesting and I like you the way you are.. Don't let them change you.. _" The sincerity carried by the words was so touching it caused Maura's eyes to water._

"Thank you _" came her voice thick with emotions._

"You're welcome.. Umm maybe we can be friends, you know.. I mean if you want to _" The black-haired girl stuttered, suddenly feeling nervous. What if the blonde didn't like her?_

"I would love to.. You seem very nice _" gushed little Maura, beaming from ear to ear._

"Yes, I am _" the other girl said smugly, setting them both roaring with laughter._

 _After they sobered, the two girls sat there silently for a while thinking about the dark-haired girl's situation._

"What I'm gonna do now? _" Asked the troubled kid feeling at lost._

"Well.. We wait until my parent wake up and ask them _" answer Maura._

"Oh I don't think that will help. I have been in this house since last night. I tried to get the intention of people downstairs, but they kept ignoring me like I'm invisible or something! In fact, I wasn't sure you were able to see me until you started talking.. Thank God for that.. I hate being ignored _" The girl was clearly upset._

"Don't be silly, you're are not invisible.. I can see you _" the shorter girl laughed at the absurdity of her new friend's words, before turning her head to look at the clock hanging on the wall behind her back. She extended her hand to take the other girl's."_ Come on, let go downstairs. My parents would be up by now _" ._

 _In the dining-room downstairs, little Maura found her parents enjoying their morning coffee while reading the newspaper as they usually do._

"Good morning, father.. Good morning, mother _" Maura greeted her parent politely. She was always a very well-mannered girl._

"Good morning darling _" her parents greeted back in unison not taking their eyes from whatever articles held their attention._

 _Maura stood there, awkwardly, for a moment thinking about how to approach the subject. She stole a glance at the girl standing, or rather to say, hiding behind her, before she cleared her throat._

"Mother, father.. When I woke up this morning I found a girl in my room..She doesn't remember anything about herself, neither does she know how she ended up here.. I told her maybe you can help her _" said the blonde hopefully, with the steadiest voice she could manage, giving her friend a small smile._

 _His daughter's words turned Richard's attention to her direction._

"What! How she entered the house unnoticed? And where is she now? _" He sounded alarmed and a bit angry._

" she's right here father _" she turned to face her friend. "_ come on, don't be scared.. They don't bite _" she whispered teasingly, to put the other girl at ease._

 _Richard and his wife Charlotte looked at each other with eyes full of worry after witnessing their daughter standing there talking to herself! They share a nod indicated that Charlotte was the one in charge of the situation. The woman turned to face her daughter while her husband went back to his reading relieved that there was no intruder in his house._

"Are you feeling unwell, my dear? _" Charlotte asked cautiously._

"No mother, I'm fine.. Why? _" Maura answered feeling confused by her mother question and hurt by her father dismissal._

"you might be as well, standing there talking to yourself! _"_

"I'm not talking to myself.. Im talking to my friend here, see? _" Replied the daughter defensively._

 _Charlotte let a sigh of exasperation and run her hands over her face, trying to think about the best course of action to deal with her daughter's imaginary friend._

"Darling, look at me.. There is no others in the room except for the three of us _" said the worried mother softly._

"But mother.. _" Maura couldn't believe her ears. Why her parent can't see her friend? She is right in front of them!_

"No buts child! I need you to quit this nonsense and retreat to your room to dress properly and join us for breakfast. _" Charlotte cut her daughter off sternly, leaving no room for discussion._

"Yes mother _" with that, a teary-eyed Maura returned to her room tailed by the other girl._

 _As soon as the girls entered the room, little Maura collapsed on her bed crying her eyes out. Cry one's eyes out means to cry so hard and for long period of time._

 _The other girl stood in the middle of the room, awkwardly, at lost of what to do. Should she console her distressed friend or should she just leave? How to do so if she chose the former? And where to go if she opted the latter?_

 _Walking away from the door, the invisible girl chose to be there for the blonde, like a real friend ought to do._

"Hey there.. Are you okay _?" She asked softening her voice while approaching the bed with slow pace._

"Of course I'm not! My first real friend turned out to be imaginary _" shouted Little Maura, mourning the loss of the friend she had for less than an hour! Mourn means feeling or showing great sadness about the loss of someone or something._

"Hey! I'm so not imaginary, thank you very much _" replied the said friend, faking offense._

"Yes you are.. No one can see you expect me, because you came out of my imagination _" countered Maura stubbornly._

 _The other girl, herself, was nothing but stubborn as well. In fact, if she had a first and last names, I would have dared to say 'stubborn' was her middle one. She sat next to her distraught friend thinking about a way to prove that she is real and not just a product of her friend's imagination. Long minutes passed in complete silence except for the muffled sounds coming from the crying girl, until the taller kid came up with an idea._

 _She moved her hand to push her friend's honey-blonde strands away from her soaked face and started wiping the tears away._

"Can you feel my touch? _" Asked the dark haired girl._

"Yes _" Little Maura answered sounding surprised. "_ It feels like it's coming from a dream though. I don't understand _"_

"Well, neither do I, but the point is if you can feel my touch that means I'm not imaginary. I don't know a lot of things about myself but believe me when I say I'm real and very much alive, in case you started wondering if I'm a ghost _" The other girl finished with joke earning a small laugh from her friend._

"Okay, you made a good point there.. you're not imaginary but no one can see you except myself.. I'm really having a hard time trying to understand but I believe you. So what now?"

"Umm.. I stay with you here since no one can see me, and wait until I return to my body _" suggested the other girl hopefully ._

"Return to you body?! What are you exactly? _" Asked Maura curiously._

"I don't know.. How about 'I'm your friend' _" her new roommate answered with a gentle smile, and our Maura couldn't help but smile back._

 _The silence that settled over their heads, this time, was a comfortable one. The girls were just content to sit there and think about how their lives was going to change now that there had each other. until the clock indicated it was time for Little Maura to get ready for the day._

 _After dressing 'properly' as her mother instructed, Little Maura joined her friend who was standing by the window, taking in the breathtaking scenery displayed outside. She stood there for a moment before she tilted her head slightly to the right and said:_

"Did you know that 65% of children our age report they have had an imaginary friend at some point in their lives? _" Asked little Maura out of the blue._

"Hey! You said you believed me! _" The brunette exclaimed, punching Maura's shoulder playfully._

"I do. I just thought it was an interesting fact you would want to know about. And you really should punch harder if you want to make it feel more than a feather caress, miss Ghost _" teased Maura, chuckling at her own joke._

"Oh look at you, miss humor. _" Miss Ghost teased back before she continued. "_ You know.. We really need to find me a temporary name… Now come to think of it, I just realized I don't know you name either! _"_

"Oh where are my manners! My name is Maura.. What do you want me to call you? _"_

"Maura.. Mm.. A beautiful name.. Well, nice to meet you Maura. And you can call me whatever you want _" the unnamed girl offered her hand, which Maura took gladly to shake. The contact, once again, didn't feel like a physical one ought to make you feel. It was like a contact of souls. It was all surreal, and yet it felt more real than anything ever did before._

"In that case, I once had this doll I loved so much named Allison.. It was my only friend until one of my classmates ripped its head off because I refused to help him to cheat in the exams _" Maura recounted, feeling sad all of a sudden._

"Oh that's awful! I wish I was there with you, I would have stopped him, or punch him on the face! Anyway.. Allison sounds cool.. You call me Alice and I'll call you.. Um.. Maur.. Maur or less _" it was Alice's turn to laugh uncontrollably at her silly joke this time._

"You're not as funny as you think you are Alice. _" Lille Maura deadpanned, rolling her eyes at her friend. In the inside, however, she was flying with happiness over her very first nickname._

"We both know I'm the funny one here. And you, my dear, are the brainy.. Come on, let's go have breakfast before it's time to go to school _" said Alice, pushing Maura out of the room, causing to giggle. Alice's touch feels like tickles._

"Humph.. Don't remind me. The kids in there are going to have a field day when they know about you _" whined Maura dreading the reaction of her bullies._

"Don't worry Maur.. We will deal with them together _" assured Alice with a smile._

"Really? You're going with me? _" Asked a very excited Maura._

"of course silly.. That's what friends do.. They stick together. Besides, I rather spent the day at school with you than stay here and be treated like a ghost _" she said rolling her eyes._

"Well,You are a ghost _" pointed Maura teasingly._

"I'm not! _" Objected Alice._

"Yes, you too _"_

"I'm so not _"_

* * *

 _Darn! Jane did it again_. It was all I could think about when I found myself standing under the cold water after the story, in my head, came to end. Her hypnotic voice took me somewhere between the consciousness and dreamland, leaving me engrossed in the story and unaware of nothing but.

After I toweled my body dry and put some clothes on, I was left with so much time to analyze the whole thing.

 _Why would Jane tell her son stories about me, after what I'd done to her? Does her wife know who 'Little Maura' really was? Why Alice is the sidekick and not Jane herself?_

 _Why her voice softened every time she said my name? Why she pictured me in the story like she loves me still?_

 _Why it all sounded like a dream she seeks refuge in, when reality turns too harsh to dwell in? Why would Jane make me her dream?!_

 _A bombshell of questions_ , that's what jane had become to me. I was dying for answers and terrified to the bone. Our reunion, at that point, was inevitable; I knew that much. The mere thought of seeing her again filled me with dread, and sent my heart palpating from excitement, in the same time. _A roller-coaster of emotions_ , that's what she was too.

I decided, after few minutes of staring into space, to pick up the story from where I left it last night, and maybe start the next.

" _And that's, my dears, how Little Maura and Alice became best friends. Now If any of you have any questions, go ahead but introduce yourself first_ " offered Jane.

" _Hey, my name is Zola.. I was wondering if Little Maura's parents didn't know how to love her because she was adopted. I'm adopted too_ " came Zola's voice carrying a very tricky question, I found myself holding my breath in anticipation.

" _Nice to meet you Zola.. You have a very beautiful name.. Almost as beautiful as you are_ " praised Jane sweetly. _That's my sweet wife_! I found myself gushing in my head.

" _let's answer your very interesting question. The fact that Our Little Maura was adopted has nothing to do with it. I think even if she was their biological daughter, they still would have difficulties connecting with her. Because some of us, need to learn how to express their feelings and show their affections, which it was the case of Richard and Charlotte. Keep following the progress of the story to know how that will happen._

 _Now, let's talk about being adopted. When someone adopt a kid, that means they want him or her in their life, to be their child. They don't have to; they choose to. Which is the utmost sort of love. And if we think about being adopted as being chosen, we are all somehow adopted!_

 _Let me explain. Some of us were planned, which means their parents planned to have them. Others were not planned, but their parents chose to keep them. And some, like you and Maura and lot of people out there, were chosen after their birth._

 _Trust me kids, it doesn't matter how you were made, or how you came to you their lives; your parents loves you so so much, especially when you behave_."

Jane's answer was so touching it caused my eyes to tear with emotions and my hearts to swell with pride. I was so proud of how beautifully she put her thoughts into words, but _why it felt like she was addressing the last words especially to James?!_

" _My name is James and I have a question: Why did you name the character 'Maura'_?" I heard my son inquire curiously taking me aback along with Jane who kept quiet for a moment thinking about the answer, I presumed.

" _Well James.. Um.. Because I had a special person in my life whose name was Maura_ " was that longing I heard in her voice?

" _You mean 'Little Maura' is real_?" Gasped a little boy I didn't recognize his voice.

" _What I said about introducing yourselves before the question?_ " Reminded Jane gently.

" _But you know my name mammy jay_!" Whined the boy named Jayden, I concluded.

" _Yes I do, but they don't_ " pointed Jane with a hint of amusement in her tone.

" _Oh right, sorry.. I'm Jayden but you can call me Little Jay.. Now can you answer me please: is 'Little Maura' real_?" Little Jay is clearly an impatient little man.

" _Well, our beloved character and my..um.. My Maura have a lot in common. So, yes.. to some point 'Little Maura' is real_ " I felt my heart clenched slightly when she referred to me as hers.

" _Wow_ " the kids gasped in awe.

" _Where is she now, your Maura ?.. Oh I'm Sofia by the way_ " of course Arizona's daughter would be the one asking the unanswerable question. Like mother, like daughter!

" _Um.. Ok kids I think that will be all for the day, I have to go.. It was nice to meet you Sofy.. You too Zu.. Mini Jay as well.. Yes I'm talking about you James.. And for the rest I'm looking forward to know you names tomorrow.. Be good to your parents and to each other.. Now come here give me a goodbye hug.._ " That was how Jane managed to dodge the bullet. Despite the forced excitement, I could hear the pain hiding in her tired voice. _Did it still hurt?_

Guilt. I knew my constant companion would make its appearance at some point soon. Its presence felt suffocating on my chest. The whole thing was still weighting heavily on my conscience. I'd never wanted to hurt Jane. I loved her; I still do, but what choice did I really have ?

"Mama.. You're still listening to 'Little Maura'?!" James's sleep laden voice startled me out of my deep thoughts.

I look toward the door to see my disheveled-looking son making his way to join me in bed.

"Good morning to you too sweetheart.. And yes I sill am.. Did you sleep well?"

" yes mama and good morning.. So, did you like the story?" Asked James too eagerly, he forgot to ask me about my night, not that I would tell him the truth if he asked anyway.

"Well, it's interesting and yes I liked it.. Does Jane.. I mean Big Jay always discuss it with you afterwards?"

"Yes.. She answers our questions and help us understand the big words.. And asks us about what we learnt from the story.."

Listening to my son talking lengthily about how great Jane was, was something I had never thought I would live to wetness. I had dared, in occasions, to fantasize about the three of us being a happy little family, but never, in my wildest dreams, believed they would actually meet each other, let alone spend time together. Now, my baby boy was comapletely in love with Jane. It all felt so surreal.

"You like her, don't you?" I found myself asking, with a sad smile.

"Of course mama.. She's awesome!" Jane's new big fan said grinning from ear to ear..

 _Yes, she is._

I cradled his head in my chest, and planted a kiss on the crown of his head while a lone tear made its agreement known by falling down my face..

 _If only I fought harder.._

 _If only I didn't run._

* * *

Yeah, I know.. This chapter is taller a heavier than its writer! I was about to put into two chapters but after reading the whole thing I opted to posted as one.. Separated, the stories didn't have the same impact.. What you think?


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N: about gay couple and parental rights, let's just assume your country has reached the point where gay and heterosexual married couples are equal in the eyes of the law.**

 **Special thanks to Kik4464 :)**

 **I still don't own anything but an imagination.**

* * *

Today, James and I decided to _play hooky_.

That was the expression my son uttered when I told him about my plans for the day. It was clearly attributed to James's contact with Jane for the past two weeks, which made me wonder what else he learned from her.

It took a call to one of the nurses to ask her to record today's story, a promise to listen to it together, a fit of laughter about my facial expressions every time I said 'play hooky', to convince my very reluctant son to forgo his daily date with Jane to spend the day with me.

We spent the better part of the morning lying on my bed listening to Chapter 2 of 'Little Maura', in which Jane went through events in both girls' lives during the months; Alice dealing with her amnesia and Little Maura adjusting to the concept of having an invisible friend. The dark-haired girl taught the blonde how to play sports and have fun. She taught her how to stand up for herself, not only because she, Alice, was physically incapable of defending her bullied friend, but also because she knew Maura wasn't weak, helpless prey as everyone thought.

Little Maura, in exchange, started teaching Alice proper language and refined manners, along with whatever random facts she stumbled upon while both looked for a way to help retrieve Alice's lost memories.

Their life continued until the girls decided to start their journey to find the real Alice. I was so pleased when Jane made Charlotte's character (Little Maura's mother) refuse to allow her daughter to leave without an adult. Hence Frost would escort the girls and help them settle in wherever they travel before leaving them to their own devices.

What piqued my attention in the story, other than the mention of Barry, was the situations the girls found themselves in during their stay in 'Snobsville'. God, the name itself set me laughing every time I heard it. Only Jane would use a children's tale to express her dislike for rich pretentious people! Like the time when they stumbled across a homeless woman from the neighboring village. After hearing her sad story, Maura convinced her parents to help her find shelter and a job. The whole situation was suspiciously similar to Angela's after Frank abandoned her. And there was the day of the children's bicycle race in which Alice repeated Jane's words to me on the day of the Boston marathon: 'We don't give into fear', attempting to help Little Maura overcome her fear of bikes.

After I had listened to Chapter 1, I thought the storyline would be based only on my childhood, and Jane would take the story from there to enter a magical world to entertain the kids. She, however, was apparently converting all that we went through together into fairytale-like stories. At the end of the recording, I found myself eager for more - if only to relive my past life from Jane's point of view.

* * *

"David Collins speaking" came my lawyer's voice from the other end.

"Hello David. It's Maura."

"Dr. Isles! To what do I owe the pleasure of hearing your lovely voice on this fine morning?" David was always a flirt but I've never minded.

"It's good to hear you voice too David. I just need to check on something with you, nothing major."

"Okay, what can I do for Maura?"

"Um.. It's about my divorce. Has _she_ signed the papers yet?"

"Divorce? Oh.. God, I almost forgot about it...it's been a long time. No, I hadn't heard from her since the day I handed her the papers six years ago. You know I would have informed you if she ever did."

"So we are still legally married, right?"

"Why? Is this about James? Is she claiming legitimacy... " started David worriedly.

"No..no.. I'm not sure she even knows of him to begin with. Besides, we both know he's not her son," I put in.

"Well, legally he is. The legitimacy of a child born during wedlock is presumed, even in gay marriage now that it's become legal in the US. And the fact that you were trying for a child around the same time of James's conception doesn't help the matter. In your case the presumption is reserved because you were separated from Jane for more than nine months. But still... I told you all about this before his birth...it's quite difficult to prove otherwise in the court since we don't even know the name of his...um...sperm donor...and you know in the case of lesbian couples..." he started spouting – the same words he repeated every single time the subject came up. Why all lawyers tend to be quite wordy, I would never know.

"David stop! I know what you're going to say and I don't wanna hear it. Jane would never do that to me, ever! This not about James at all," I said interrupting the 'legal-jargon-vomit' as Jane used to call it.

"Okay, what is this about then?" he asked curiously.

"She showed up over two weeks ago at the hospital where I work, with a pregnant woman who later gave birth to a little girl. Jane and the said woman apparently already have a child together who has become James's friend. Long story short, Jane has a wife and two kids. I want to know how that's even possible...and before you ask, I didn't know about any of this until yesterday." I recounted a quick summary of events the best I could without showing my emotions.

"Wow...that's...wow..." David was clearly lost for words, a rarity. "Um...I don't know what to say, but I can tell you this: that woman is not your wife's wife. Well, not legally. Your marriage to Jane still stands to this day. Polygamy is a felony here, never mind the fact that Jane could have divorced you in a heartbeat if she wanted to marry someone else. As for the kids, are you sure they are Jane's?"

"James told me she's Jayden's other mother...and I sort of heard the boy call her mommy."

"James met her? Does he know who she is?" asked my very surprised lawyer.

"Of course not. To him, she's his friend's mother...he calls her Big Jay...don't ask!" I answered.

"Man, what a mess! I need their full names to know for sure if they are her children."

"I don't have that. They could be Jayden and Emma Rizzoli. I don't have the the woman's name either. Don't worry about this, I'll get to the bottom of this on my own. Thanks for listening though, I really needed to talk to someone about it."

"You're not just a client to me, you know that...and I'm really sorry Maura. I know how you feel about her still," he said kindly.

"I'm fine David, just curious. I knew she would eventually move on and meet someone." There was the lie again. _I'm fine!_

"That doesn't make it hurt any less Maura. Anyway I'll call as soon as I find something."

"Thank you David...and please tell Emily and the kids I said 'hi.' " With that I ended the call.

* * *

The conversation with David was all I could think about while I sat in a coffee shop near the park where James spent the last two hours playing basketball with other kids. The talk about legitimacy, Jane's parental rights and all the new questions about Alice and the kids, was all too much. I almost regretted making the call in the first place.

 _Why didn't she sign the papers when she decided to start a family with Alice? was my million dollar question._

I had told her in the note I sent along with the divorce papers, to sign when she finds someone. It was my way to make sure I knew when she moved on. Every day that passed without a call from my lawyer was a relief and agony. It meant she was still _mine_.

I shook my head to get rid of dark thoughts that threatened to dampen my mood. I looked at my son sitting across from me, drinking his chocolate milkshake with great pleasure. My eyes lingered on his blonde hair and handsome features. I can't possibly express how grateful I am that my genes did the thing I couldn't do six years ago; they fought for dominance giving me a son who looks nothing like him. How could such a sweet boy be fathered by a _rapist?!_ The boy who only an hour ago stopped his game and walked over to a little girl who stood by herself watching them longingly. After exchanging a few words, he had offered his hand inviting her to join them, undoubtedly making her day. The kid sitting here was mine and only mine.

"Mama! Has the nurse Susan sent the recording yet?" asked James for what felt like the millionth time.

"Not yet. Wait! God, I forgot to turn on my cellphone...I'm so sorry Jay," I apologized, feeling a flush of embarrassment rising to my cheeks. "Oh...Susan sent a message to let you know there was no story today. Big Jay didn't show up, but sent someone to apologize instead."

"Oh..." James's face fell dramatically as he heard the news.

"Don't be sad sweetheart. She must be really busy," trying to console him.

"I know. It's fine mama," he replied with a small voice, eyes falling to his lap.

"How about we have a sleepover tonight instead? We could watch a movie and play video games if you want. We could even listen to Chapter 3 of 'Little Maura' before sleep," I suggested. I knew it was a school night, but I was desperate to get my son out of the funk that absorbed him.

"Boys don't do sleepovers," pouted James. His eyes, however, showed his interest.

"Well I don't know about that, but mothers and sons should totally have sleepovers every now and then. Don't you think?"

"Erm.. Okay I'm in," he agreed with a smile that turned to a smirk before he continued. But you really suck at video games mama."

We both laughed heartily at that. Jane was corrupting my child's vocabulary, and I couldn't be happier.

* * *

The rest of the day was a blur. James and I soon found ourselves ready to turn in. "Okay honey. You're bathed, your teeth are brushed, your hair is combed, your pjs are on. You're all set. Let's start the third chapter."

"I really like this one mama, especially when..." started James.

"No spoilers Jay." I cut him off.

"Fine!" he said feigning disappointment. "But the part where..."

"I don't think the tickle monster would mind paying you another visit tonight, mister," I threatened playfully, narrowing my eyes at him. We both know this routine. James usually gets playful before bed and I always indulge him. His bedtime is always the best part of my day.

After another encounter with the said monster, James was finally ready for the third chapter of Jane's tale.

" _Alright kiddos, where did we leave the story last time?_ " we heard Jane asking.

" _When they decided to go to Melrose-town by train,_ " answered the kids.

" _Ok then..._ "

* * *

 _After settling on their first destination, Little Maura, Alice and Frost found themselves on the first train heading to Melrose-town._

 _The three were sitting in one of the first-class cars in comfortable silence until:_

" _You must really think I'm going insane. Don't you, uncle Barry?" asked Little Maura._

" _No! Not at all Maura. It's just kinda weird to sit here knowing there is someone else with us I can't see. And please call me Frost or Barry" answered Frost awkwardly._

" _You really believe me?" Little Maura's eyes widened in disbelief._

" _Yes of course. That why I volunteered to tag along. My mom always said 'the world is much bigger than our minds Barry.'" said Frost smiling the most beautiful smile the girls had ever seen. It showed his perfect white teeth along with so much innocence you rarely find in adults._

" _That was a smart thing to say Frost," complimented Alice._

" _Alice says you're a very wise man," Maura rephrased her friend's words._

" _Why thank you Alice," addressed Frost to the unoccupied seat beside Maura, assuming that Alice was sitting there, which made the said girl burst out laughing._

" _Um...Frost, you're talking to a vacant seat. Alice is sitting right next to you," pointed the honey-blonde barely able to contain her laughter. Meanwhile, Alice started passing her hand over Frost's nape which made him jump off his seat, setting her laughing to tears. Sometimes, being invisible was very entertaining!_

" _What was that?" asked a very alarmed Frost._

" _That was Alice being her mischievous self," answered Little Maura giving her friend a pointed look. "I apologize on her behalf."_

" _Oh don't worry about it. I just hope we will find her. I'd like to get to know the girl who brought out the real Maura," replied the sweet man kindly._

 _Alice who had taken an instant liking to Frost, moved her hand and put it over his and squeezed it, expressing her gratitude. The feeling of her touch was barely there, but Frost sensed it and squeezed back._

 _Little Maura watched the scene from her seat, feeling a wave of warmth spreading inside her chest. It was nice to have someone like Frost on their side. She gave them a gentle smile before turning her head to the widow to watch the scenery._

" _We will find her Frost. We will," she whispered to herself._

 _After their arrival at Melrose-town, the two friends decided on a walk, leaving Frost to arrange for their stay._

 _They wandered for awhile before discovering a very alluring forest, opting to walk through to reach the inhabited part of the town where they could ask people about Alice. There wasn't much to go on. All Alice could remember during the past months was having two brothers and a dog called Jo._

 _They walked for what felt like hours in a comfortable silence, each one deep in thought when a piercing voice broke the spell, "Help!"_

 _The voice clearly belonged to a very scared girl and brought the two friends to a standstill._

" _Wh ere do you think you're going?" Alice asked her companion who was trying to follow the source of the cries._

" _To help her of course" answered Little Maura, desperate to help._

" _Have you lost your mind? You don't know what you're gonna find in there Maura. What if it puts you in danger?" hissed Alice, concern creeping into her voice._

" _What if she was hurting while we're standing here arguing?" countered Little Maura._

" _Urg...I just don't want anything to happen to you," admitted Alice, trying to talk her stubborn friend out of whatever she was planning to do._

" _I'll be careful, promise...I know you want to help too. Stop being overprotective...come on!" said Maura while making her way to where the helpless girl's voice was coming from._

 _Near the edge of the cliff overlooking the valley was a preteen girl hovering over a small boy - younger than she by a couple of years- who was clearly in great pain. As soon as the two friends reached them, the girl turned to them with red eyes and soaked face._

" _Please help my brother!" she pleaded through her tears._

" _Alright... tell me first what' re your names and what happened here?" asked Maura trying to calm the distraught sister as well as herself. The situation was apparently far more difficult that she had initially thought._

" _Uh... I... I'm Clementine...you can call me Clem, and .. um.. this is my brother Tony... I... I don't really know what happened. I just ...I found him like this while I was looking for him in the forest.. someone must have hit him in the chest. He can't breathe," replied Clem stumbling over her words._

 _Without further delay, Little Maura went to assess the damage on Tony's chest and to check his head, neck, spine, and belly to make sure there were no other injuries. Alice stayed behind consoling Clem the best she could in her condition. Her touch appeared to have a calming affect on the stressed sister._

" _I don't like to guess, but I feel safe to say he needs a doctor stat," Maura said with a shaky voice._

" _Oh God! Please do something...anything Maura. You're a healer," begged Clem desperately, and Little Maura was too stressed and distracted to ask how on earth this stranger knew her name._

" _I'm so sorry Clem... I don't know what to do," said the honey-blonde pleading for the older girl to understand._

" _Yes you do Maur, you read a lot about this stuff. You're going to be a doctor, remember?" jumped Alice to help._

" _But I'm not a doctor yet, and I only help small animals...I can't do this Alice!" shouted Little Maura frantically, not giving a hoot if Clem saw her arguing with herself._

" _Yes you can.. Just follow your heart" assured Alice knowingly with a small smile._

" _I can't possibly follow an organ!" responded a very literal Little Maura._

" _Maura!" sighed Alice. Sometimes her friend could be too much for her nerves to handle._

" _Ok...Ok fine. I'll see what I can do…go bring some help," agreed the future doctor, hoping her knowledge would keep the kid alive long enough for help to get there. She didn't know how her friend would do that, but she trusted her to find a way around it._

" _I believe in you Maura," whispered Alice before she moved to say something in Clem's ear. And once again, Little Maura was too distracted to question the interaction between the older girl and her supposedly invisible friend._

" _I think he has a couple of fractured ribs that put too much pressure on his lungs for him to breathe properly. We have to help him into a position of comfort and try to keep him distracted from the pain. There is nothing here to help him breathe. We have to keep him as calm as possible until the doctor arrives," mumbled Little Maura more to herself than to the hovering preteen._

" _No one is coming, stupid girl!" announced a voice coming from the forest. Clem and Little Maura turned to find a teenage boy approaching them with a malicious grin on his face._

" _Who are you?!" shouted Maura feeling fear in her heart._

" _His name is Bobby. He and his friends bully kids far younger and weaker and take their money. I think he's the one who hurt Tony," answered Clem instead, aiming all her hatred towards the said boy._

" _Tut-tut, Clem, now you make me look like a bad guy. I did nothing. Your brother took something from my friends - the wad in his pocket...I just want it back," said Bobby feigning innocence. The sister moved to search her brother's pockets and indeed found the money._

" _The money is not yours, Bobby. It's Tony's savings for Christmas!" yelled Clem._

" _Well too bad for him...it's mine now. Hand it to me or else!" threatened Bobby showing his true face._

" _Okay, fine. Now take it and go away!" she threw the money towards him, desperate for him to leave them alone._

" _You can be so naive sometimes, Clem. Do you really think I would leave you alive so you can tell the police about me?" He laughed loudly, before his laughter turned into a devilish smirk that sent a shiver of fear down Maura's spine. "I'll throw you both to the river, and when the people of the town arrive I will be hailed as the hero who tried to save you but couldn't except for Tony...of course he would be the one I saved since he will die anyway."_

" _Not that easily Bobby...we heard everything!" a gruff, muscling voice surprised them all. About a hundred feet away from them was a man in his late forties with a sheriff's badge on his jacket, making his way towards them, tailed by Alice, Frost and what seemed like the whole town and their barking dogs._

 _Bobby recovered from this initial shock quickly enough to react. He moved to grab Little Maura and hold her hostage to get himself out of his jam, but Clem wouldn't allow it. She put herself in his way, shielding the younger girl from his bad intentions, not giving him any other option but to take her instead._

" _If you come any closer, I'll throw her to the valley," Bobby threatened, holding Clem's body as a human shield, as he moved them both towards the forest._

" _Please do something to help Tony," cried Clem pleadingly. When no one made any move to get to her dying brother, the preteen closed her eyes, and took a deep breath as she made a decision. She opened them a second later to look at Maura who somehow knew what was about to happen and gave her a gentle smile before she pushed her body against Bobby's, throwing both off the edge of the cliff._

" _NO!" Little Maura's piercing scream echoed between the valley walls. It was enough to pull the stunned crowd out of their stupor. No one could believe what they had just witnessed, Clem sacrificing her life to do what they couldn't do themselves. She stopped Bobby and saved her brother's life._

" _Maura!" yelled Alice making her way towards the edge of the cliff where her friend was heading toward._

 _Little Maura didn't even acknowledge her friend's shouts as she slowed her pace to look down to the river. When she found what she expected to see, she sighed in relief, then bent down to lay on her stomach, dangling her head._

" _What the heck do you think you're doing Maura? It's too dangerous in there!" Alice's voice could have rendered people around her deaf if it was ever heard, but Little Maura continued to ignore her frightened friend._

" _Hey there," said Little Maura softly to Clem, now clinging to the low branch of the small tree that grew on the edge of the cliff. The older girl looked up at her surprised to hear her voice._

" _Please tell my parents..." started Clem pleadingly, resigned to her unavoidable fate; she was going to fall. Her hands were getting sweaty and slippery, her arms were going weaker and hope was evaporating faster than the drops of sweat on her forehead. All she could think about was the things she didn't do, thinking there was always more time. She didn't tell her mother that she liked the black dress she bought for her on her eleventh birthday, even though she doesn't like dresses that much. She didn't tell her dad he was the best father in the world even though he couldn't afford the bike she was dreaming of. She didn't tell Tony she forgave him for breaking her baseball bat. She didn't apologize to the boy who she punched in the face when he gave her a rose on Valentine's day in front of the whole class. She didn't explain that she was afraid her mean classmates would never let her live it down. She didn't thank Maura for saving her brother...Maura who was now risking her life to save a stranger she just met._

" _Hey! Don't do that...don't you dare give up. We will find a way to save you. You hear me?" Maura cut her off, not taking her eyes from Clem's until the latter gave her a nod. She then turned to face Alice who was now lying beside her._

" _The distance between the edge and the branch is too big for an adult to try and pull her up from here. The tree is not an option, since it's too small to even support Clem's weight for so long, let alone someone else's. What are we going to do Alice?" asked Maura who was starting to wonder if she had just made a promise she can't keep._

" _Remember what I told you when we dealt with your bullies at school: 'Brains beat brawn'. Take a deep breath and use that big brain of yours. You know what to do Maur," assured Alice._

 _Little Maura did as she was told, taking a moment to think, before she jumped to her feet abruptly. She found it!_

" _Where are you going?"_

" _Please don't leave me" came in unison from Alice and Clem._

" _I'm not leaving you...I'll be right back...just trust me," Maura assured the girl before addressing her friend. "You said 'brain beats brawn'. How about using them both?"_

 _She made her way to the sheriff who was keeping the crowd from getting any closer to the edge, and told him about her idea. The very impressed man wasted no time as he put her plan into gear._

" _Everyone listen," the sheriff's voice roared above the crowd noise. "I want you to work together here...I want volunteers to hold the end of this rope tightly and wait...when I give my sign, I want you to pull slowly so we don't harm the girl. Understood?"_

 _Maura hurried back to Clem with the other end of the rope, not waiting to hear the rest of the interaction._

" _Okay Clem, I need you to take the end of this rope and wrap it round your middle and fasten it as tightly as you can. Then hold onto it with both your hands. When you make sure the noose is tight enough it could support your weight, I want you to move your feet from the tree and put them on the wall of the valley as though you're climbing it, which you're going to do when you're ready...focus your strength on your upper body, and try to relax and let them pull you with the help of your feet. Just don't look down, ok? everything is going to be fine," instructed Maura with as much calmness as she could manage._

 _Fifteen minutes later, Clem was in her mother's arm._

 _Whilst Frost was dealing with ramifications of Maura's involvement in the incident, the girls were sitting by themselves away from the ensuing chaos, watching the heartwarming reunion of Clem with her family._

" _Wow what a day!" started Maura timidly, glancing at her friend._

" _Yeah...tell me about it!" replied Alice tiredly, not looking back, putting an end to the conversation before it started._

" _How did you manage to bring the whole town here, Alice?" asked Maura trying to break the uncomfortable silence that settled between them._

" _Well, they were already gathering to start looking for Tony when I found them. Frost was tagging along. I tried to get his attention but to no avail. Then I remembered how animals reacted to me back in Snobsville. I provoked one of the dogs I found there and started running and he chased after me barking. The other dogs followed his lead along with their owners. That's the whole story," recounted the invisible girl indifferently._

" _That was clever," said Maura, clearly impressed._

" _Not as clever as the rope idea," complimented Alice, giving her friend a weary smile._

" _Are you mad at me, Alice?" Maura finally spilled out the question she was bursting to ask from the beginning._

" _What?! No!.. I just.." Alice took a deep breath looking for the right words before she let it out as a sigh. Then she turned her head towards her friend. " You could have died Maura, more than once in one day! I always thought that out of the two of us I would be the reckless one, but today's events proved me otherwise.. You scared me half to death," she concluded, her voice cracked a bit at the end._

" _I...I'm sorry," apologized Maura quietly, hanging her head. Seeing her best friend upset because of her was the last thing she wanted._

" _Hey, Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. You just have to understand that your life is more precious and important than you think Maur," explained Alice._

" _She needed me Alice.. I couldn't let her fall," the blonde pleaded with her friend to understand._

" _I know Maur...I know. You did really well there, you saved them both. I'm so proud of you. I think I just have to accept impulsivity as part of who you are...and stick around to make sure you know where your limits are," said the brunette with a grin as she put her arm around Little Maura's shoulder._

" _Thanks Alice. I..." Maura was about to apologize once more, but halted in mid-sentence to greet Clem who was making her way toward them. "Hey Clem."_

" _Hey...I just want to thank you for saving mine and my brother's life. They say I'm a hero for stopping Bobby, but you are the real one. You are my hero Maura, never forget that. I'm sorry but I have to go now. Thank you so much, both of you," said Clem putting her gratitude into words._

 _Maura was about to ask her how she knew her name, when her mind registered Clem's words._

" _Wait! You can see her?" she asked in shock._

" _Of course," answered Clem simply as she walked away._

" _But how?"_

" _I can see her because I believe. And before you ask, she's not from this town, but when you find her, please tell her 'Thank you' for sharing you with us," she addressed her last to Alice before she ran back to where her family was waiting for her._

" _Believe in what.. Wait!" shouted Little Maura, but the girl was already gone. She turned then to Alice who was smiling at her "You knew she could see you from the beginning didn't you? I saw you whispering something to her. What did you tell her?"_

" _I just told her to do what was right," said Alice simply, as she shrugged._

" _You told her to protect me...that's why she stepped in front of me, didn't you?" the realization finally dawned on her._

" _You were there saving her brother's life. It only seems fair that she provide you with protection," reasoned Alice._

" _Oh Alice...you always look after me," gushed a very grateful Maura._

" _Well someone should...that's what friends are for anyway. Now stop being a mushy hero, and let's find Frost," dismissed the dark-haired girl, desperate to end the conversation that became too emotional for her liking. She had her fair share of emotion for the day._

" _I want to know what she means by 'I believe'.. What does she believe in?" wondered Maura while making their way to where Frost stood talking to the sheriff._

" _Maybe she meant magic," said Alice nonchalantly._

" _Don't be silly Alice. There is no such thing," Little Maura laughed off her friend's words._

 _Alice just smiled at her best friend knowingly. She didn't know if she ever believed in magic before, but since the day she met Little Maura, she started to believe. Because, to Alice, Maura was magic._

* * *

Winding down her tale, Jane said: " _And that's how Little Maura and Alice's adventure in Melrose-town ended. I'm sorry that I don't have much time for your questions, but let me say what I personally learned from this story: First, we need to be kind to those weaker than us, whether they be human or animal. Secondly, we have to tell our family and friends how we feel about them as often as possible. We should apologize to each other when we make a mistake, and forgive each other when we can find it in ourselves to do so. And lastly, we really have to be kind to our siblings. Trust me I know what it feels like to have them...I have two. They could be annoying sometimes but at the end there isn't anything they wouldn't do for you._ "

" _I know you said there are no questions today, but I have one: do you have a dog?_ " came James's voice at the end of the recording...James who was fast asleep since the first part of the story... James who I knew was smart enough to connect the dots.

" _Um...no Mini-Jay, I don't have a dog. See you tomorrow smart one,_ " answered Jane. I could hear amusement in her tone. _What happened to Jo Friday?_ I wondered to myself. The brief interaction between them put a smile on my face.

The chapter itself left me with an odd feeling of contentment. How Jane was able to turn a horrible event - like the day of the shooting - into a beautiful and entertaining tale for the kids was beyond me. I still remember that day vividly as though it was yesterday. It was the day I knew I was in love with my best friend. I found it funny that a story about that day could have made me fall in love with her all over again...if I wasn't already a goner.

I lay on my bed beside James thinking about tomorrow. The stillness of the room felt oddly like the lull before the storm. Tomorrow is the day to start looking for answers, and maybe the day to see Jane again even though I wasn't sure I was ready for that step yet. It was time to face the music.

With that plan in mind, I closed my eyes letting Jane's voice lull me to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N: I'm sorry for the delay..**

 **I own nothing..**

 **and Kik4464: Thank you :)**

* * *

Sometimes when you have a break, a moment to let your hair down, as Jane would say, and just relax, you somehow forget that the world around you does not stop moving just because you did. Or maybe you chose to ignore that. While you're lazing around, enjoying doing nothing, there is probably someone out there in that exact moment fighting for their life, stressing over making a life altering decision, or having the best or the worst time ever. That was exactly what happened to me.

The uneventful day I had spent with James yesterday left me quite unprepared to face the chaos that greeted me first thing when I arrived at work this morning.

As I predicted last night, today held a storm for me, although it wasn't quite the one I expected. It was actually a storm of black suits that hit the hospital lobby. The moment I set foot on the main entrance, all I could see was dozens of Federal agents spreading around; some talking on their phones or hushing orders and instructions to each other, and others dragging suspects or taking statements. For a split second, a thought of the FBI moving their HQ to our hospital tickled my mind in spite of its absurdity. Not that I would be blamed for it; they were everywhere.

In the middle of the chaos, after a long search, I spotted Arizona in the cafeteria, chatting idly with some of our colleagues, all looking worse for wear. "Good morning doctors," I greeted chirpily as I reached their table taking the seat next to my friend.

"Go away Isles! No one who slept more than two hours is welcome at this table," grumbled Robbins without looking up from her over-sized cup of coffee.

"Busy night I presume. You guys look like...well, there is no nice way to put it," I said barely

holding my laugh, choosing not to mention that I slept only three hours myself.

"Like crap? Yeah you can say it...I kinda feel like it too," she sighed.

"And smell like it too," I teased, scrunching up my nose.

"I would be speaking for everyone here when I say: We hate you!" quipped Robins rolling her eyes.

"Okay, sorry. What happened here anyway? It looks like you had a merger with FBI or something?" I asked, motioning to the lobby that had become an 'FBI colony.'

"Apparently the Bureau liked our service a bit too much," answered April Kepner, one of two trauma surgeons in the hospital.

"You don't get to complain April. All you had to deal with was organizing the whole mess in the ER. The real nightmare was ours," said pediatric surgeon Alex Karev, as he pointed to Arizona and himself. He sounded as tired and drained as he looked. "We were the ones dealing with the rescued children, the sexually and physically abused children. Most of them don't even speak English, I must add. We were the ones who had to treat their bruised bodies while listening to their stories; how they were ripped away from their families, and shipped out to the US. How those fucking bastards beat the shit out of them on a daily basis. Not to mention the sobbing translator I was left alone to handle... thanks for that Robins," he concluded giving Arizona a dirty look.

"Sorry, Alex. You know I hate it when women cry," said Arizona, apologizing with a weary grin that looked more like a grimace before she continued somberly. "The poor woman was traumatized for life. She will probably never have kids. And If she already had them, I'm sure she has hidden them in some basement by now."

For a long moment, the table went quiet as Arizona's words sunk in. Her comment hit a sensitive spot and we all knew it. Most of us have children or are about to. April instinctively put a protective hand over her five month pregnancy bump, as though it was enough to shield the baby from the horrors of the world waiting outside the safety of the womb.

My mind drifted to James automatically. _How is he doing at the moment? Is he safe at his school?_ With a glance at the worried faces around me, I knew that all were undoubtedly asking the same questions regarding their own kids. Constant worry was a small price to pay for such a great gift as having a child. But sometimes it becomes too much; it feels like your fear and worry are swallowing your soul whenever harsh reality was brought to light; you cannot protect your child all the time and no place is safe enough.

"See..." started Karev, pointing to our faces. "The looks on your faces are why I never want to be a parent. There is too much danger out there. Fucked up minds are everywhere, like those who messed up these kids' lives. The damage those assholes inflicted is almost irreversible. It will always be there, haunting them growing up, affecting their mentality, their self-esteem and the way they view life. No one should go through that shit, let alone a kid. And yet everyday there is a young innocent life ruined because we failed to protect it. It's way too risky to bring a child into this world." he finished looking down to his cup of coffee.

The look that took over Alex's face while he was talking was far too familiar to me. He wasn't just expressing his opinion in the matter; he was talking from experience. Alex was a living example of what he had just said. Yes, he turned out to be a decent man with a brilliant career, but part of him was damaged forever...the part that maybe made having a child seem like a nightmare instead of a dream.

"Gee, thank you for this cheerful insight, 'Optimistic Alex.' That's exactly what we needed. Because who doesn't want to hear about how fucked up our world is, the first thing in the morning, no less!?" voiced Meredith sarcastically.

Dr. Meredith Grey, the head of general surgery and a single mother of three, knew fairly well how dark and unfair life could be. She herself went through a lot during the past years. But than again who didn't. We all carry evidences of that in our bodies and souls, but we try to hide or ignore them or just accept them and move on, because there is no point in dwelling into the darkness of the past. One should always look at the glass half full even though it was so hard at times to even see the damn proverbial glass.

" I honestly don't know how you do it, dealing with living patients I mean. Thankfully, my patients suffering ends way before they end up on my table. I don't have to see their pain or try to soothe it only to fail most of the time, feeling helpless afterwards, which is a huge relief. " Gone were the days where my talking about my job was frowned upon. It's one of the perks of working in a hospital where I'm surrounded by doctors who understand what I do for a living as a branch of medicine, and not as a sign of my latent psychopathy.

"Speaking of which, why did no one page me yesterday?" I asked.

"Because, my dear, no one has died. Thus, no call in the middle of the night for you...which makes me hate you a little bit more," answered Arizona playfully.

"Yet," put in April. "No one has died yet. There are still four other patients in surgery, one of them is 'FBI Superwoman's partner. Things don't look very well for him unfortunately."

And there was Jane again, weaving her way into yet another conversation of mine.

"God! Stop calling her that...it's just dumb! How old are you...12?!" grumbled Karev. And I found myself nodding my agreement.

"Hey! We don't know her real name. The nickname has to do for the time being," shrugged Kepner.

"I might know what her name is," said Meredith feigning nonchalance, waiting until she was sure she got everyone's attention before she added conspiratorially: "I might have overheard her answering her phone with Ritzolli...Rizzoli or something like that. Yeah, I think it's Rizzoli."

The name echoed in my chest, causing me a physical pain. The name I carried for almost two years before I changed it back to my maiden one. The name that means more to me than they will ever understand.

"Mm... Italian. I love Italians," breathed Arizona, earning a collective eye roll. I could have been a little bit annoyed over that if I wasn't too busy trying to mentally cause her a temporary amnesia so she wouldn't recall the name that was mentioned in the emails we exchanged while I was still in Boston. But of course it didn't work.

"Wait.. I know this name, I heard it before," she said before fixing her stare on me. "Or rather to say I read it before. Detective Jane Rizzoli...your best friend from Boston. Why didn't you tell me Superwoman is your best friend?!" she asked accusingly, punching my shoulder in jest.

"Hey! I didn't know..." I answered defensively, rubbing my shoulder. It didn't really hurt, but it gave me something to do instead of starting back at the sets of eyes I could acutely feel trained on me. I always hated to be the center of attention. It makes me nervous, fidgety and awkward. "Well, at least not before two days ago when I called you...and I haven't seen her...yet," I added somehow awkwardly, praying they wouldn't ask anymore questions.

"Do you think I got a shot with her?" Asked Arizona batting her eyelashes, and I just laughed shaking my head along with the others.

"I hate to break the news, but she's M.A.R.R.I.E.D. Her wife is two floors above your thick head," put in Alex, reminding me of why I opted for the main entrance this morning instead of the back one that leads directly to the morgue. I needed Arizona's help to see Alice.

"I don't think they're married. She doesn't wear a ring," countered Meredith as she sipped on her coffee.

"She put it on a necklace...I saw it when she first came here," April said, proud that she provided a juicy piece of information. "A simple gold band with the most gorgeous engagement ring I've ever seen in my life. Yup she's totally married." And If I once thought no one can gossip like the officers in the precinct, the last few years proved me wrong; Doctors can totally hold that title.

While they were busy discussing Jane's romantic status, I hurried to do what I was there to do in the first place, before they could direct any more questions to me.

"I need a favor," I whispered so that only Arizona could hear me.

"What kind of favor?" she eyed me warily.

"Just come with me. I know you're tired but it's really important," I pleaded.

"Okay, fine," she conceded grudgingly with a hint of concern marring her features. My face must have been more expressive than I intended.

With that, we left the others gossiping about the ring that I knew way too well...since I was the one who bought it the day I decided I wanted to me be Mrs. Rizzoli-Isles.

* * *

Hiding in a very small private hospital bathroom was not how I imagined our little visit to Alice's room would end.

It took me 15 minutes to convince a very tired and very skeptical Arizona to sneak me into the maternity wing, since it was still on the watch. Apparently, a free cup of coffee every morning for a week could get you anywhere these days! Years of living with the world's grumpiest person (Jane, that is) should have taught me that trick.

Getting into the wing itself proved to be less challenging than I initially thought. No lies needed to be told since no questions were actually asked, which wouldn't have been the case had the agent on patrol not been too busy staring at my cleavage to even question the presence of a pathologist there. Even the memory of his eyes roaming hungrily over my body sent a shiver down my spine... not in a pleasant way. Ever since the ordeal, my body's reaction to unwanted attention became more intense. And the passing time did nothing to lessen it. To be honest, every attention to some extent was unwanted save for Jane's. And her attention is now given to the woman lying in the room I was heading towards.

Alice, despite the nearly faded bruises that cover her face, is undoubtedly a beautiful woman in her late thirties to early forties, with strong features and fair skin enhanced by shoulder-length black hair. She's tall, slim, and in very good shape taking into consideration all she went through...from the pregnancy to the physical abuse. But she's nothing like what I've imagined Jane's type to be. Jane often went for blondes even in men, and for whatever reason I've always pictured her with a faceless blonde woman that suspiciously looked like myself! Maybe because my brain cannot fathom the idea of Jane being with anyone else.

I can't really describe my feelings toward Alice, the woman I regarded. From the second I knew of her existence as the one who has it all...jealousy, sympathy, envy, gratitude, curiosity...none could sufficiently sum up how I feel now. Perhaps it's a combination of them all...a very confusing one, that is. But I recall fairly well what I felt the moment I laid eyes on her. It was a searing pain all over my body. Or rather, say, a memory of the pain that took me back six years to when I was in her place...bruised and broken. Was she sexually assaulted as well? I wondered. I would have known from her chart had it not been an immoral thing to do, not to mention a violation of the patient's privacy. Yes, pain was my first feeling. I felt it for myself, for Alice, and for Jane who has to go through that again.

I tore my eyes away from the comatose woman and let them take in the room. It was a private room: spacious, well-ventilated, and nice. A chair stood by the hospital bed, a comfy-looking sofa at the other end of the room, and a crib for the fresh-out-of-the-incubator baby brought to her mother's room for security purposes Arizona said. And a private bathroom in which we were trapped for almost an hour.

It all happened so quickly. One moment I was looking down at the baby girl, mesmerized by her sea blue eyes and her dark soft hair, and the next I found myself pushing Arizona towards the bathroom, as I heard voices getting closer to the room. In retrospect, I must admit I may have overreacted, but in that moment all I could think about was that I don't want to be caught in that room.

As we left the door slightly ajar, I had a perfect view of what was transpiring in the room.

A boy, I presumed it was Jayden, came rushing toward Alice's bed, with two men right on his heels. One of them was Dr. Owen Hunt, the hospital's other trauma surgeon. The other was an agent, Jayden's uncle, as I gathered from his physical resemblance to Alice. They both were trying to pacify the kid as he cried and screamed for his mother to wake up in a way that nearly broke my heart. Owen was trying to prevent the distraught boy from shaking Alice back to consciousness, while Adam kept on rambling all nonsense about men were not supposed to cry. They were making enough noise to wake the dead, let alone the infant in the room who let out piercing wails in protest.

A second later, nurse Susan showed up and took Emma with her after she failed to gain anyone's attention. The nurse was clearly fuming over what was happening but the baby was her first priority. I was sure it was just a matter of time until she came back to kick everyone out.

* * *

"Jayden," Jane's voice suddenly rang out above all the madness.

I wasn't sure if the suddenness of it, or the stern tone used, or simply the authoritative voice, was what made the room sink into an abrupt stillness. All the attention shifted from the kid to land on her (including Arizona's and mine), but Jane who was still standing in the doorway had eyes only for the kid.

In a well-fitting black suit, wearing her long raven hair in a ponytail, she stood tall, intimidating and oozing authority. Oddly enough, the cane in her right hand did nothing to diminish the powerful façade. If anything it somehow enhanced it.

Although the shock of Jane's abrupt appearance wore off, I still couldn't take my eyes off of her. She looked more beautiful than I ever thought possible...leaner and fitter than I remember. Her strong features were even sharper and more permanent. The past years undoubtedly treated her body kindly, but something in her eyes told me it wasn't the case for her soul. She looked guarded and unreachable, reminding me of the Jane Rizzoli I met right after the Hoyt ordeal happened.

She kept staring at Jayden who hung his head refusing to meet her eyes, while the two men in the room stood there awkwardly not knowing what to do with themselves. The agent opened his mouth in an attempt to answer the unspoken questions and explain what was going on, only to shut it when Jane lifted her hand silently settling him, without taking her eyes off the kid until he looked up.

If I wasn't paying close attention to her, I would have missed the small nod she gave him and the subtle shift in her stance that encouraged him to throw his small body toward hers, clinging to her long legs.

"What's wrong L.J?" asked Jane calmly.

"You...you lied to me. She's...never...gonna wake up. She's d-dead. An-d da..." that was all he managed to say between his hiccups.

"It's OK buddy. Try to take a deep breath...you're alright," Jane said, bending as much as her injuries allowed her to give him an awkward hug. He clung to her even more tightly as he sniveled, unaware that he was hurting her. She was in pain, I could tell from the slight tremble of her left leg that gave her away, while her face remained stony as she fixed the other agent with a beady stare.

"Alright, now look at me," she said after Jayden's sobs abated. She bent down even more to his eye level. "Have I ever lied to you before?" she asked softly.

"No..." came his quivering voice muffled with a sniff before he added, "...yes, you did last Christmas when you told me you were away for the holidays while you were actually in the hospital."

"Well, that wasn't exactly a lie. What I told you was true, but not the whole truth. I was in fact away in the hospital...I just chose to leave the last part out. Sometimes, we do that to protect people we love...and I..." she said with a small smile before she trailed off when the nurse Susan came back with a now sleeping Emma.

Susan took the infant to her crib and made sure she was still asleep before turning on her heels, fixing everyone in the room with a stern stare.

"This poor girl has just got out of the incubator last night. She needs as much sleep as possible. So you either keep it quiet or I will be forced to kick you out...understood?" rebuked Susan earning a collective nod from all. Then she addressed Jane with a softer tone: "Keep them under control Agent, will you? And don't forget to use the sanitizer before you pick up Emma."

"Yes ma'am," replied Jane with a slight smile.

Satisfied with that, the nurse headed toward the door to leave but Jane stopped her.

"Wait please! Would you mind taking Jayden to the nursery on your way?" she asked politely and smiled when Susan shook her head in consent. Then she looked back at her kid: "You go now with Susan and I promise to stop by later so we can have our 'grownups talk.' OK?" Receiving a reluctant nod from Jayden, she added, "And crying has nothing to do with being a man. You can cry whenever you feel like it, OK buddy?"

Jayden nodded again before following the nurse out of the room, having left a kiss on Alice's cheek and receiving one on his forehead from Jane.

* * *

With Jayden's departure, the heavy silence returned to the room, dragging the steely look back to Jane's face. It was quite impressive and slightly frightening how quickly she could shift her expressions from 'soft and loving' to 'hard and emotionless.' It looked like two completely different people in one body.

"Anyone care to explain what happened here? Adam?" she asked the dark-haired man as she moved further to stand head to head with them. Her voice was calm, flat and neutral, but somehow it stirred a feeling of unease within me. There was something dangerous and dark in it that Adam seemingly registered as well, judging by his body language; he was shifting nervously from foot to foot, taking way too much time to answer.

"I...we...I mean Dr..." he stuttered under her unwavering gaze.

"I came here looking for one of you to update you on your partner's condition. Adam and I were talking outside the room when the boy came running from the other side. He entered the room and started shaking the patient trying to wake her up. From what I gathered from him, he apparently overheard the guards at the door to the nursery talking about the patient's condition and someone's kidnapping. We tried to pacify him but to no avail," answered Hunt instead, taking pity on the younger man. Jane, who didn't take her eyes off Adam, just nodded slightly at that.

"I give you one job Adam: put reliable men to keep Alice and the kids safe. A damn simple job, and yet you found a way to fail!" In contrast to what her words implied, her tone held no trace of disappointment or any other emotion whatsoever. She was merely stating facts.

"You said you have some news about agent Donovan. Doc, how is he?" she asked Hunt, without giving the younger agent a chance to defend himself. Not that he made any attempt to do so.

"I'm sorry for your loss ma'am. We did everything we could. The damage the bullet inflicted on Mr. Donovan's heart was too severe. I'm so sorry," said Owen solemnly.

I was never in his position before. I've never lost a patient and on top of it had to deliver the bad news to his or her loved ones. My patients' families always know beforehand what awaits them, but that doesn't make dealing with them any easier. That's why I understood his feelings and the somber look on his face as he braced himself to Jane's reaction, but to both our surprise there was none. She merely nodded and averted her eyes in contemplation. I caught a fleck of emotion in her eyes before It was gone in a matter of seconds. Was it regret? Guilt? I don't know.

"Call Jude!" she ordered Adam evenly, earning a grunt of annoyance from the young agent who seemed to finally gather some courage to speak.

"I don't see why we need Dr. Walker on this one. It's a simple GSW to the chest, even I could do the autopsy. Besides, I'm sure they have a competent ME in the headquarters here," he replied irritatingly. Whoever this Jude person is, she clearly didn't make it to Adam's favorite people list.

"I don't mean to intrude, but the Bureau often asks for our ME to help them. She's one of the best, I must add," Hunt put in.

As flattering as his words were, I hoped he would stop at that and not reveal any more information about me, even though the subtle twitch in the corner of Jane's mouth told me she might have already known about whom Owen spoke.

"Good thing then, because Jude is too close to perform the autopsy herself. I need her here personally. Besides, she deserves to hear it from someone close," said Jane in a monotone.

"Oh really? So why don't you call her yourself since you're the one fucking her?! That's pretty close, if you aske me" yelled Adam, causing me to flinch. Not only because of the profanity, but also because of what it implied. It stirred feelings I always try adamantly to bury every time I think about Jane with someone else, because it hurts. Even after all this time it still hurts that I vaguely recall Arizona muttering ' _what the fuck_?!' And for once, I didn't bother to scold or shush her. Jane was never the cheating type. There must have been a mistake there. I was sure of that.

I saw Jane's body tense in response before she forced herself to relax. The look she gave the younger man, however, remained the same: intense, dark, and cold. If looks could kill, I would have had two federal agents to autopsy instead of one. Emma's cries from the other end of the room only managed to deepen the hole Adam dug for himself. Things will not bode well for him, and he was acutely aware of that.

"What about the three perps we brought with him Doc?" inquired Jane unexpectedly as she made her way towards Emma's crib. Her cold tone didn't match the persona she switched to as she cradled the baby in her uninjured arm, making silly faces at her so the girl would stop crying.

"One was moved to ICU this morning, his condition is sill critical though. The other two are still in surgery," answered Owen with a frown, slightly thrown by Adam's outburst and probably bewildered by Jane's calm demeanor.

"I want them in my interrogation room as soon as they're stable and keep the pain medications at a minimum," she ordered the younger agent with what I recognized as her 'Agent Rizzoli' voice. It was firm, strong and commanding. Obviously Agent Rizzoli doesn't take 'no' for an answer.

"You can't do that" said Hunt mortified by the mere idea. "That was actually what I meant to talk to you about. You can't take any suspect before they complete their treatment. Regardless of what they've done, every human being has a right to hospitalization," he concluded. His words were met with a sneer from the younger agent and a gentle smile from Jane, after she shot her colleague a warning glance.

"You're right Doc. Every human being has rights," she started calmly while playing with the little girl, shocking both men. " But you see...those scumbags you pulled an all nighter to tend...they kidnapped, raped and beat the crap out of the kids you also treated yesterday. They sell them as sex slaves in auctions and those who are too damaged to be sold would be forced into drug dealing, hooliganism, or just 'euthanized' like rabid dogs . As for those particular three, they tortured and kidnapped my friend in front of me. That was after they shot me twice leaving me lying there bleeding while I watched them throwing my very pregnant partner from atop the staircase like a sack of potatoes. They kicked her in her belly repeatedly just for the fun of it," she trailed off, letting her words settle as she slipped out of the memory. "No Doctor, those are not humans, thus having no rights. And yet, we brought them here, didn't we? It's not like we take them and throw them to the crocodiles in the basement. I know you don't approve and I honestly don't give a fu.. don't care. But for the sake of your conscience, it's a good thing you're off their case."

"What? Since when?" exclaimed Hunt through his shock.

"Since now," she answered simply.

"You can't do this. You shouldn't even be working on this case...either one of you. You're too close to the victims, not to mention you're physically unfit for active duty!" he quipped stubbornly.

"Well, Adam isn't working the case. As for myself, it's my case and you would be very surprised if you know what lengths the Bureau would go when it comes to their own. Yes, they would keep an injured agent on a case where her own partner is a victim. And I can be very persuasive when I want; there was no way I handed the case to someone else now that it became personal. No one hurts my family and gets away with it Doc," she explained, uttering her last words with such conviction you couldn't help but believe it. And for some ambiguous reason, that set my chest tight. Had she found him? I wondered.

"Look Doc, I don't really have to explain myself to you, but we are on the same side. You believe in judges, the jury, and fair trials. Believe me, I do too. I'm actually the one who gives their lazy-ass butts something to do. I and the likes of me is the grease on the wheels of the justice system. I know you think my method is questionable, but sometimes you have to fight evil with evil. Just like you guys do with cancer. There are too many innocent lives at stake to even consider such decisions. In our different ways, we both save lives Doctor. We are on the same side," Jane concluded evenly, looking down at Emma who reached to touch Jane's face with her tiny hands. The sight put an involuntary smile on everyone's face including Jane's. It was her first genuine smile since she entered the room.

"Well...Em, I should go check on my other patients," said Hunt as he made his way out of the room.

"Yeah...thanks for the update Dr. Hunt," offered Adam as he saw Jane too busy with Emma to reply.

"But just so you know, I will not authorize any transfer of suspects until I know for sure they wouldn't collapse in your interrogation room. And only if you promise you will bring them back here as soon as you're done with them," declared Hunt from the door frame, looking Jane in the eyes to make sure she received the message.

"Are you sure Owen?" asked Jane when she met his green eyes. Hunt who was barely able to conceal his surprise at the use of his first name, recovered quickly and gave a small smile.

"We're on the same side agent, remember?" With that he was out of their sight.

* * *

As soon as Hunt left the room, Adam started looking like a man on his way to the gallows. He was shifting nervously on the balls of his feet while he avoided looking at Jane at any expense. Jane's eyes were fixed on the little angel in her arms as she worked her little fingers through the thick, dark mane.

"What the hell was that?" came Jane's question abruptly, chasing the silence away. Her voice was calm. Too calm to be reassuring.

"Jay, I... I'm..." he started before she cut him off.

"You're what? Stupid? Pathetic? Pitiful piece of crap?! Huh?" said Jane, maintaining the same tone. "What were you thinking, spreading rumors about me and a colleague? You..."

"They are not rumors..." he tried to defend but he was cut off once again, rather sharply this time.

"If I were you, I would shut the hell up!" she warned. "Of course that would be your first defense. 'They're not rumors'! You didn't even try to deny that you're actually telling lies about me behind my back," she pointed out, while moving around the room in an attempt to soothe Emma who started to get antsy.

"I..."

"Save your breath! I know all about it. The rumors, the jokes, the nicknames... 'Heartless McBitch'! Really? I mean seriously?! That's how you handle rejection? How mature!" Jane said causing the already pale face to turn ashen. "Look, you made your move and I said 'no.' It's not a big deal. Move on, go find some girl your age and have fun. Stop pining over me. You and I will never happen, and not only because I'm married or that you are Alice's brother or the fact that you are younger than my little brother. You deserve better Adam."

"Your marriage never stopped you from sleeping around, did it? You only seem to remember your ring when you're around me!" snapped Adam, not bothering to hide the bitterness in his voice.

"Alright, that's it! You should thank your lucky star I still remember your relation to Alice. You don't want to see the day where I happen to forget what your last name is. Trust me, I won't be this friendly about it," promised Jane as she looked him square in the eyes. "Now go get some work done. And don't forget to replace the guards on the nursery and send those two old gossips to my office the first thing in the morning tomorrow," she commented before dismissing him. And much to his chagrin, she added as he was about to step about of the room, "...and call Jude."

His grunts were the only thing that muffled Arizona's exclamation that was supposed to be a whisper.

 _What the hell is wrong with this family?!_

 **TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**This chapter is continuation of the last one, meaning we're still in the same day. It's mostly Jane's monologues.. I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Thanks to** **Kik4464.**

Chapter 5

It must have been over half an hour that we had been hiding in that 'far too small to fit us both' bathroom. The air was heavy with the odor of sweat, cheap cleaning products and what hospitals notoriously smell like, making it harder to breathe.

After Adam left the room, I let out a sigh as I cast a glance at Arizona who gave up her position at the door to rest her exhausted body against the wall facing it. She looked longingly at the shower stall (the way she looks at her ex-wife when she thinks no one is paying attention). It almost made me uncomfortable and a bit guilty. I know she would want some sort of an explanation afterwards...answers I wasn't ready to provide.

For a minute, I let myself take in what had just transpired. Something was amiss; I knew that much. The annoying voice in my head started bugging me to listen. Like there is something I should know but I don't. Like the answers to all my questions are within my reach, and yet I can't grasp them. It was a very confusing and exasperating feeling.

"I'm sorry about that," Jane said suddenly, startling me out of my thoughts. I had to put a hand over my mouth to muffle a yelp. Looking back to the room, praying that her words weren't addressed to us, a wave of relief washed over me when I realized she was talking to Emma.

Jane's voice was as soft as in James's recordings. The tension in her body started to ebb gradually and her posture seemed more relaxed now that the room was emptier. Her whole demeanor had changed and the crying girl in her arms must have sensed the shift as she went quiet.

"It's just Uncle Adam being an idiot schoolboy with a crush.. What can I say? Men are nothing if not idiots." She smiled apologetically at the baby in her arms, "I bet if there is ever an 'idiot gene' it would be carried by the Y chromosome...never mind, you'll get used to it."

"Should I have mentioned that Jude had been seeing Donovan over a year now? Of course not. Where's the fun in that? Had he taken his eyes from my butt for a second, he would have known. I mean everyone knows they're—or were together, even you in the womb must have heard your mom gossiping about it. She was probably the first person to figure them out. Right?" Jane asked, halting her movement around the room as if she's waiting for some kind of confirmation from Emma. "Oh come on! Don't give me that look. We both know your mother is as nosy as they come. Speaking of which, has anyone introduced her to you?" she asked as she made her way towards Alice's bed.

"Here she is. Never mind all the bruises and the cuts. She'll be just fine. She's tough as nails and believe it or not she's had worse. You see, your mother here has this hobby of getting herself into trouble, so this is normal," she said motioning to Alice's battered body.

"She's not very talkative these days, and I advise you to take advantage of that, because normally it takes an army to shut her up." She chuckled a little, "Or in this case a coma," she added soberly.

Shifting her attention from the baby to the mother, Jane took in the sight of Alice's figure as if it was for the first time. She let her eyes wander over the length of the lethargic patient with a growing intensity and unreadable expression hiding an inner turmoil that had her own body turn rigid. For a long moment, she just stared vacantly looking lost in her thoughts or maybe a memory before she averted her eyes away.

"It's so weird to see her like this," came her voice in a soft whisper, sounding like the realization had just dawned on her. There was a brief pause before she cleared her throat. "At work we used to call her Agent Hurricane, because she's like an overactive ball of fire. She had this energy that no one can match, except for your hellion of a brother, that is. I even started to believe that she's physically unable to stay quiet and keep still. I mean she's ... um...lets just say that I'm never gonna take her to yoga ever again," she concluded with an affectionate smile before titling her head a little and scrunching her nose adorably as if something had just occurred to her.

"Hmm...nosy, gossipy and reckless...Geez, I'm doing a wonderful job introducing your mother to you, aren't I? I feel like I'm describing my own mother," she mused, retreating back to her comfort zone—humor. A short chuckle came out at mention of Angela Rizzoli before it was reduced to a sad smile that was mirrored on my face. I missed that overbearing woman more than I thought I would.

"Okay, Let me try again. This is your mom, her name is Allison. We call her Alice which she absolutely despises even though 'Allison' literally means 'little Alice'. She said it's too girly for her," she said mockingly, imitating what was supposed to be Alice's voice. "Anyway, your mother is a beautiful woman, inside and out; she's a kind friend, a brave partner, a loving wife and most importantly a very protective mother. She fought with all she is to save your life. I bet she'll do it again in a heartbeat should the need arise. That's how much she loves you. She loved the idea of you before you even existed, and I never saw her happier than in the moment she knew she was expecting a girl, except for the day your brother was born. And you know what? she will adore you even more when she sees how beautiful you are, Em," said Jane tenderly as she bent to kiss the girl but thought better of it. A kiss wasn't particularly sanitary given the baby's condition, she must have realized.

"And she's a very generous person. She gave me a home when I had none; a family when I thought I would spend the rest of my life alone. She even let me choose your name. I've always wanted a baby girl with the name Emma. It didn't happen the way I'd imagined but I wouldn't have it any other way."

As the words hit the air, my lower lip started to quiver, surrendering to the pain that suddenly had my heart in a vise grip. I shut my eyes against the wave of tears that threatened to fall, as a very sweet memory tickled my mind. Still vivid, I could almost see it with open eyes. We were in the living room, cuddling on the couch, dropping lazy kisses every now and then, just enjoying a moment of peace after a very taxing case. We were happy and hopeful even after two failed attempts to have a baby, optimistic enough to start picking names. We settled for Emma if we had a girl and James if it was a boy. That was only a week before everything went downhill.

For a moment, I let myself pretend that the girl in Jane's arms was ours. I would have been admiring the scene from that bed and not hiding in the bathroom like the coward I am. And the tear that made its way down my cheek would have been a sign of joy not grief, as I watched my wife cooing about how cute her baby girl was when she yawned. How could one mourn a loss of something they never had? In front of me was my dream that now belongs to someone else. How could I not grieve?

"They say babies your age don't really smile. They claim that it's just a reflex of their facial muscles or something like that. But I could swear that you're smiling at me right now. Maybe because you know I needed this smile to get me through the day," she said softly as she put the baby back in her crib. "OK fine, I know I'm boring, you can stop yawning now. It's time to take a nap anyway. See you later angel." With that she moved her noticeably tired body to the sofa. Jane clearly wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon – much to our dismay.

Arizona and I exchanged an uncomfortable look. She was bone tired and I was already late for work, therefore we both were more than eager to leave that room as soon as possible. But most importantly, knowing that people in such a situation as Jane's more often than not tend to talk to their loved ones, we were aware that we were spying on a one-sided private conversation. But what choice did we have? We couldn't possibly stop Jane from talking to her wife, partner, or whatever Alice is to her. We could only pretend to tune the conversation out while we were both shamelessly more than a little intrigued to hear it.

After she shed her jacket, let her locks out of the elastic band, and undid a few buttons of her shirt, Jane made herself comfortable by lifting her feet to rest on the coffee table. Tilting her head to rest on the back of the sofa, she started talking with closed eyes.

"We raided yesterday as we initially planned. Rankin wanted to wait, saying that they would be expecting us now that we knew for sure there was a mole between us. What an idiot! I told you he was wet behind the ears even with his white head. Anyway, I refused to wait, he pulled the rank, and two hours later I got what I want. That prick had it coming a long time. You should have seen his face when I practically told him to go screw himself. I think I just discovered a new shade of red." Jane grinned smugly, and I found myself grinning along like a fool. "Anyhow, you were right; they're in deep in every dirty shit there is: drugs, human trafficking, prostitution, gambling, money laundering, and so on and so forth.

We got three injured and one fatality but we got them. Now we have enough evidence for RICO even without your files. It's almost over. The bad news are we still haven't found Matt yet; I'm so sorry. There is no body, which is good. He's probably still alive; they either haven't figured out they had the wrong guy, which I doubt. Or they know they messed that one up and they kept him to use him later. Either way, I will find him, you know I always do," Jane promised resolutely.

A full report about a case wasn't what I expected to hear. It was a bit anticlimactic even though it answered some of my questions. At least now I know what brought Jane to Seattle.

Exhaling loudly, Jane resumed her monologue with the same tired voice. "I know the reality is not that encouraging for you to wake up, but you can't keep hiding from it. Isn't that what you keep telling me all the time? I think it's time you take your own advice Alice. Sure you don't want me adding 'hypocrite' to the awful description I gave your daughter, do you?" she said with an edge to her voice that dissipated quickly. "It's been two weeks now; Jayden started making friends and Emma got a date yesterday." There was a pause wherein she cast a glance at the crib and smiled. "Yeah, I know it a bit too early but I have no say here. You should see her Alice. That girl is gonna be a real head-turner, I gotta tell you."

Looking closely at her smiling face, I couldn't help but notice how strained her facial muscles were as though they weren't accustomed to such an action. Even her laughs sounded forced. But what troubled me the most were her eyes. There was something different about them. Maybe it's the lack of the shine that makes those onyx eyes twinkle with mischief, excitement or affection.

"Do you realize that your ass is flattening by the passing seconds as you lay there?" Jane asked abruptly after a long halt. "It's probably your worst nightmare, right? And If your butt going flat didn't bring you back, I honestly don't know what would! I mean, you really love your ass, which I find a little bit weird by the way," she chuckled lightly as she hunched over, burying her face in her hands for a long moment.

"God I'm so tired," she groaned. "My shoulder hurts like an SOB and my thigh keeps throbbing like crazy. I could really use a nap, but of course I got no time since I'm stuck with a bunch of immature idiots I had to chaperone all the time, and an asshole for SSA who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. I really hate this." There was a pause where she let loose a deep, shuddered breath. "I hate this fucking mess of a case. I hate the task force, the media coverage, the political games played under the table. I hate the look on those little kids we rescued yesterday and the look on your own kid's face every time he asks about you or Matt. I hate my own mother who wouldn't take a hint after I ignored all her calls and keeps calling me every damn minute. I hate Matt for disappearing on me when I needed him the most. And I really hate you for lying there like a fucking sleeping beauty waiting for me to bust my ass and find your prince. And I..." her voice trailed off when her anger started to crack her calm façade. I found her emotional inconsistency during her talk quite disturbing as well. It seemed that she's unable to settle for one emotion at a time, like she's feeling too much and she ends up showing naught. And I'd noticed how careful she was not to let them take over. As soon as they came to the surface she blinks them back, like she can't afford to let go. I can only imagine how taxing it must be to constantly keep your emotions in check.

When Jane resumed speaking this time, her voice was so quiet that I had to strain in order to hear it. "This is what I've been avoiding all these years. And you know that. I shouldn't be here in this room spilling my guts to my comatose partner. I didn't sign up for this Alice and yet here I am with two kids to take care of and a spoiled brat you call brother driving me up the wall. I fucking resent you for putting me in this position."

When she moved her hands to let her fingers ease their way through her hair, I half expected to see tears running down her beautiful face, but there were none. Her expression was blank with a hint of sadness that could be seen in her otherwise impassive eyes.

"Don't be too hurt; I hate everything right now. They say pain brings out the worst of us, so you can always blame my words on my injury when you wake up. Even though we both know it's just me being my decaffeinated self." A meek grin took over her features as though she just shared some kind of inside jokes. "You better pull yourself out of whatever dream you're having about Caribbean beaches and shirtless latinos, and come back for the sake of your kids, my sanity and your flattening ass. Hopefully in that order."

As she rose to her feet, I heard a rather loud sigh coming from my exhausted friend who shrugged off the glare I shot her. "I should probably get going. Those suspects aren't going to interrogate themselves, are they? I'll swing by later. Take care"

And that was it. There was no 'I love you' in the end or even a brief kiss on the forehead. She just stood up, put her jacket on, buttoned up her shirt, tamed her hair into a messy ponytail and then left the room.

* * *

"Phew, that was close!" exclaimed Arizona as we hurried our way out of the maternity ward.

"Yeah tell me about it," I said letting out a sigh of relief. How we managed to get out of that room unnoticed is beyond me.

"That's it? That's all you got to say?" she asked incredulously.

"I'm not sure I'm following," I replied wearily, avoiding her eyes. I know she wanted answers, but after what had happened in that room, I was feeling so emotionally drained as it was.

"Oh come on, you promised! There is no way I'm letting you off the hook. I've always wondered what happened between you two. Was she always like that?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know...cold, maybe? I mean 'you can freeze ice on her ass' kind of cold. Who talks to their wife like that?! She didn't even touch her, did you notice that?" she asked in disbelief.

"I..." I didn't know what to say. Jane was as far from cold as one could be, but the woman in that room, Agent Rizzoli, was not my Jane. The closest she got to the person I used to know was when she was interacting with the kids. And even then something seemed terribly wrong with her.

Before I had a chance to give some semblance of an answer, I felt my cellphone vibrating inside my lab coat pocket – much to my relief.

"Saved by a dead body I see," presumed Arizona after I ended the call.

"I'm so sorry. It was about Agent Donovan. They want me to perform the autopsy as soon as possible," I said as dejectedly as I could muster to cover up my relief.

"Yeah, whatever...You'll cave eventually and spill the beans to your attractive looking vault," she dismissed smugly.

I took my cue and teased back: "I doubt Grey would be interested in my tales," which earned me a light shove.

"Shut up and go cut some dead body while I enjoy my well deserved sleep. But first, I think I'm gonna hit the shower," she said.

"Shower...yes, that's really a good idea," I supplied too quickly as I made my way towards the elevator.

"What is that supposed to mean? I don't stink!" retorted Arizona feigning offense, while sniffing her underarms.

"Yeah, tell that to your face...see you later," I pointed out right before the elevator door closed, shielding me from my friend's comeback. Chuckling to myself, I sent silent thanks to whatever deity is up there for the precious gift that is Arizona Robbins.

* * *

It took me about an hour to get ready for Agent Donovan's autopsy, between rescheduling my other autopsies and dealing with the paperwork. Which was nowhere near enough to prepare me for a reenactment of what happened in Alice's room.

I was in my office this time, changing into my navy blue scrubs when I heard the morgue's doors open, admitting at least two people along with my assistant Daniel.

"With all due respect agents, I can't leave you here alone with the body. It's against the protocol," Daniel argued politely.

"To hell with the protocol! If she wants to have a moment alone with her partner, she'll get it!" snapped Adam.

The hint of stress I detected in my assistant's voice combined with Adam's totally unappreciated tone set my body into motion. After I hurriedly put my scrubs on, I moved to the morgue to see what was wrong, only to stop dead in my tracks when a deep, rich voice joined the conversation.

"Quit being an ass Adam, he's just doing his job," came Jane's voice calm, yet stern.

Taking a few steps back from the door, I wondered what on earth is going on with me today. I was put in the same situation for the second time in a span of two hours! And I hated to think what this day still had in store for me.

"Look kid...I know for sure that there are cameras in here, and as a law enforcer I know better than to contaminate a body, so rest assured there won't be any problem. All I need is five minutes with him. That's all," she persuaded tactfully, without hiding the finality from her tone; what she wants is what's going to happen whether Daniel liked it or not. She was bossing him around and for once she was very polite about it.

"But Dr..." Daniel started but his protest was cut short.

"I doubt Dr. Isles would mind my being here. Now please leave and make sure I won't be disrupted," she ordered with a tone that was a perfect balance between gentleness and firmness, leaving no room for a further discussion.

Daniel yielded eventually as I predicted. His footsteps admitted his defeat loudly as he marched his way out of the morgue, probably heading upstairs to look for me after finding my office door closed.

Jane's unexpected statement had me floored. The moment she uttered my name I felt the blood rush out of my brain leaving my head spinning with yet new questions. _For how long did she know I work here? Why didn't she contact me?_

 _Because you downright abandoned her ass six years ago. She hates your guts. That's why, genius_. The annoying voice in my head answered rudely, sounding like someone I knew. It was the Jane in my head.

"You know the ME here?" I heard.

Adam's words sounded like they were coming from a deep hole, but were loud enough to bring me back to reality. The buzz of the pager against my thigh helped. I knew it was Daniel so I ignored it. I was still feeling dizzy, although the sickness was, thankfully, long gone.

Sitting down on my, admittedly, very uncomfortable sofa, I let my fingers rub my temples to ease the intense headache. Hopefully it would be enough to shut my loud thoughts so I can follow the exchange.

"Yes. We worked together before I moved to DC," Jane answered evenly.

"Only 'worked?' he pushed further. His voice might have come out teasing, but something in his tone told me he was more than intrigued to hear the answer.

"How do you mean?" She maintained the same dry tone, seeming almost bored.

"I don't know... the thing between you and Jude, and the way you said the doc's name just now like your tongue knows more of her than you let on, and let's not forget about the tall doctor you dated a couple of years ago. He didn't strike me as a living people's doctor either... All that had me thinking; Maybe you have a thing for MEs. Maybe I need a career change," he said cheekily and I wouldn't be too surprised if he added a wink. "Was your husband a doctor too? Or is it ex-husband? I've always wondered about your marriage" he asked.

This earned him a short laugh from Jane. "Yeah because the smell of deco could be really addicting," she deadpanned, making Adam laugh loudly and exaggeratedly if you asked me. _A schoolboy with a crush indeed._ "As for your career change, I'm afraid it's mandatory if you haven't figured out after all those years that I have—had a wife not a husband," she said simply without really answering any of his questions.

"Oh..." was all that came out of Adam's mouth. Jane's answer rendered him speechless for a long moment... "Wow... I mean you never talk about your marriage, and I always thought you hump chicks just for fun, nothing more," he mumbled, utterly awestruck, which had me puzzled. Jane has two kids with his sister, for crying out loud. Could it be any more serious than that?! And the fact that he apparently doesn't know anything about that part of Jane's past didn't help my confusion. Weren't they supposed to be family? Why had she kept something that important from them?

 _Did I mention that she hates your fucking guts Maura?_ reiterated the Jane in my head once again.

A couple of minutes passed without either of them uttering a word. "What are you still doing here?" Jane finally asked, shattering the dreadful silence.

"Huh? I...I'm here for you, you know...It's your partner after all," stuttered Adam; his shock seemingly hadn't worn off yet.

"Ah...so you're here in case I break down over the death of my _temporary_ partner, whom I put that bullet through his heart myself, I must remind?" Jane clarified, sounding amused. "How did you imagine the scene unfolding, Adam?" she asked with a hint of humor, successfully diverting his attention away from the subject.

"I don't know how you can talk about shooting someone like you're discussing the weather. I wish I could switch my heart on and off like you do. And to answer your question: um...as soon as you switch you heart on, you would start crying on my shoulder as I hold you, and then you would realize that my arms are what you needed all these years to feel loved and safe. And maybe you would fall in love with me?" he said humorously, following Jane's lead.

Jane chose not to dignify his rather disturbing remarks with a reply and mused instead: "'Birth of love in the morgue' how convenient!" they shared a short-lived laugh. "Believe it or not, it's not really as original as you might think" she said and I know she was alluding to us. "Too bad it's never gonna happen. And you really need to lay off watching those trashy chick flicks you're so keen on, if that's the best you could come up with."

"I don't watch chick flicks," he protested meekly. "It's your loss anyway. I have very nice broad shoulders, a new shirt you can christen with your snot, and a big heart full of love and promises," he replied theatrically.

"Sure, you do have a nice body – now. I still remember when you looked more like an overgrown, flat-chested teenage girl, having that big heart of yours broken by every thing in a skirt. The gym can do wonders indeed. Unfortunately, it can't boost your taste in the fairer sex," Jane teased not too gently. Ouch. The voice in my head winced.

"Hey! My body was OK back then," defended the slightly offended man. "And my taste in women is just fine. I liked you, after all," he flirted cheekily.

Jane let loose a chuckle. "Nice, real smooth...keep working on that."

"I better get going before it gets even cheesier. But before I leave I want to apologize about earlier. I'm so sorry Jay. I was a real asshole," he said with small voice.

"Don't sweat it man. It's all dead and buried. Besides we both know you can't help it; asshole is your middle name."

Adam tittered at that. "Yeah, right.. Oh yeah I almost forgot. I wasn't able to reach Jude. Her assistant said she's out of town visiting her parents in Boston, hence turning her phone off."

"She's from Boston?" asked Jane, sounding surprised but not all that interested.

"You're asking me? I barely know her. Anyhow, I think I'll leave her a message on her parents' answering machine to call me back."

"Good...just make sure not to tell her about anything other than him dying in the line of duty," instructed Jane.

"Why? She would eventually read the autopsy report and start asking questions," said Adam voicing his puzzlement.

"It will buy her some time," she answered tersely.

"But again, why?" He insisted.

"No one would want to learn of all that shitty stuff about the person they love at the same time they've been notified about their death," asserted Jane calmly.

"Wait, what? Jude and Erik were together?" Poor thing was shocked for the second time in a matter of a few minutes.

"Welcome aboard buddy. It only took you a year to figure it out," Jane replied sarcastically.

"Wow...I really didn't see that coming. I thought they were friends," he admitted.

"You would have if you weren't too busy keeping track on my orgasms," quipped Jane jokingly.

"Look who's sharing my middle name now," he teased back. "Holy shit Jay! You shot Dr. Walker's boyfriend," he added, sounding a bit alarmed as he finally registered the situation.

"How perceptive of you!" Jane deadpanned, I could almost see her rolling her eyes.

"Does that mean you won't sleep with her anymore?" he inquired tentatively. _Is he for real?!_ The voice in my head screamed.

"Get the hell out Adam before I give Dr. Isles another body to cut. It's the second time today I had the urge to shoot you. Third time is a charm," Jane warned playfully.

"Easy there, tiger. I was just pulling your leg. I should head back to the HQ anyway," he said laughingly, as he make his way to the door before he halted. "Jay?" He called.

"Yes?"

"Do you think she'll ever wake up?" He asked timidly, sounding like a little boy scared for his big sister.

I heard Jane exhaling heavily before she answered. "That hurricane is going to outlive us all, don't worry."

* * *

I seldom minded the quietness of the morgue. In fact, I even relish it sometimes. But today, I found it nearly unbearable to stand the silence that took over, in the wake of Adam's departure. The monotone hum of the refrigerators sounded too loud to my ears, I desperately want Jane's voice to break it.

"I didn't intend to kill you Donovan, it just happened," Jane started with an even tone. "If it was up to me, you would be alive now wishing you were dead after I'm done with you. So you can consider yourself a very lucky bastard."

I heard the sound of stool being dragged across the autopsy room before she continued – sounding pensive, and to some extent, resigned. "But that wouldn't matter to her, would it? All she'll see is the hole I caused in your upper chest; the bullet I put into your heart; the finger that pulled the trigger, wishing she could rip it off of my body along with my heart. All she will see in me is the killer that took the life of the love of her life. It wouldn't matter that I didn't mean to, nor would the fact that you were a dirty scumbag who was using her and almost cost us Emma's and Alice's lives. Not to speak of Matt who we don't even know where the hell is he. None of it will matter. It never does. I should know; I had done it before. But that time it was my best friend's father. At the time, him being a mob boss –who had just shot two people in front of her – carried very little weight to her. She cut me dead for months. I've always wondered what would happen if I had killed him." _I would have forgiven her_ I thought. _I loved her that much._

The resemblance between the two situations were unsettling, at best. I don't know what this Jude person means to Jane but it's enough that she knows her. She works with her. It was, to some extent, like reliving the 'warehouse incident' all over again.

"Come to think of it, I feel like every bad experience I had in the past repeats itself now, as though one time is not enough. It feels like I've reached a point in my life where I put a giant ass mirror in the middle of the road; every time I look at the future, all I can see is the past," she mused impassively.

"Don't get me wrong Donovan," she carried on after a brief pause. "I don't regret my bullet ripping your heart apart, and I really hope it hurt. I just know the pain of losing the person you love. I don't wish it for my worst enemy, let alone Jude. For that I'm terribly sorry, but again it won't matter." Uttering the last part, she gave a long, weary sigh.

"You don't even know what you had done Erik. You don't know what it took her to open her heart and let someone in. You had just destroyed her trust and the little faith she has in love, and probably just turned her into me," she trailed off again to draw a breath. Even breathing appeared to be strenuous for her. At that point I had already lost my fight against tears. I caused that tremendous pain. I broke that heart. I wasn't much better than Donovan, but he was luckier than me. He didn't have to witness the damage he had inflicted. He can't feel the guilt ripping his heart apart.

"You have no idea how awful it is to live as 'me'. To look in the mirror every day and hardly recognize the person staring back at you. To feel your old self slipping away leaving a shell of the person you used to be. To look at your loved ones and feel nothing but the ghost of the love you know you have for them, and yet you can't feel it. To find yourself forced to imitate those feelings, to pretend to be a normal human being so no one would notice how your heart is slowly turning into stone. That's what heartbreak does to you. For that I hope you rot in the deepest hole in hell," she concluded pensively.

Such words should have had her shedding tears. Such imagery should have had her voice quivering with pain and affliction, but her level tone registered none. _What have I done?_

After a brief pause I heard her laughing mirthlessly instead. "It's funny how many of you I've sent there already. I have the urge to look up and tell God 'you're welcome'." She continued laughing. "Now come to think of it, God should really be thanking me instead of screwing my life over and over! Don't you think? Anyway, I have to go clean up the mess you left behind." As she got off the stool a bit clumsily given her injury, she added softly:

"Say 'hello' to my wife."


	6. Chapter 6

**Here is another one. I hope you enjoy**

 **To Kik4464: I can't thank you enough.**

* * *

Your memory can be a friend that provides solace and comfort and at other times, an enemy that fills your wounds with salt. It can be a mirror that bluntly reflects your faults or a it can be a blindfold. Your memory can be whatever you need it to be. And on a day like today, it may be what helps you wrap your mind around what's going on with your life.

As I sat in the waiting room, waiting for news on James's condition, my mind flooded with a stream of memories from different stages of my life; the first time I had contemplated having kids, then the day I dismissed it after witnessing a massacre in Africa that included children. The case that had me thinking about freezing my eggs, the evening Jane asked me to co-parent Casey's baby, the memory of her miscarriage tangled with those of our failed attempts to have our own kids. All the memories orbited around the same theme...but only one was so vivid that it monopolized my mind.

 _The day of the siege, both Jane and Frankie were in surgery while we all awaited news of their conditions. Vince and Barry – too restless to sit there for any longer – went to the cafe for much needed caffeine, leaving Angela and me alone in the waiting room._

 _Since her arrival at the hospital, the loud Italian mother had sat without a word just weeping in silence. Next to her, still clad in my bloodied dress, I wasn't in a much better state._

" _How are you feeling Angela?" I asked out of the blue. The inanity of the question brought a faint blush to my cheeks. "I'm sorry, I know it was a stupid question...I just – I don't want you to worry about Frankie. I'm certain he'll make a full recovery. And Jane – well, she's strong and smart and must have calculated the trajectory of the bullet before she..." The rest of the sentence left unsaid, as I felt Angela gently squeeze my hand._

 _Watery eyes met mine before a ghost of a smile emerged, lessening the apparent anguish. "Yes my Janie is certainly smart, but not enough to avoid shooting herself, is she?" A mirthless chuckle left Angela's mouth as she brushed the tears away. "She might be the smartest person in the world but that won't do her any favors since her heart always rules her head."_

" _As for Frankie, he will make it only thanks to you Maura." She gave my hand another squeeze before her strangled whisper "- but I still worry. I always will because that's what you do when you're a mother... you can't help it. Worry becomes a job and a constant companion. Having a child, Maura, is like...like having your heart out there in the open; anything at anytime could crush it. So to answer you question: I feel like a mother whose heart was shot twice."_

At the time I found her wording so expressive that I thought I knew how she felt. But only today, in that waiting room, was I able to really feel what her words meant to convey – the excruciating pain, the paralyzing panic, the tormenting helplessness and irrational sense of guilt. All were reinforced by a level of loneliness only a single mother could reach.

* * *

How I made it to that waiting room is still a mystery to me. One minute I was in my office writing down my findings on Agent Donovan, and the next minute, my only awareness was my butt trying (and failing miserably) to ensconce itself in that awful contraption they call a chair. I tried to remember anything past the call I received about James, but to no avail. All I could manage was a stream of foggy images and indiscernible conversations I wasn't sure I was a part of. It makes sense that your child's name and the word 'accident' in the same sentence has such an effect on you.

Turning my head to let my bleary eyes take a look around the room, I found it nearly empty, much to my relief. That fact didn't strike me as odd until later on. It was a school bus accident after all...at the end of the school day. The bus was supposed to drive James to the hospital to spend time with his friends until I finished my shift. My son was supposed to walk the doors of the nursery on his feet – not be rushed to the ER on a gurney! He was supposed to be kept safe until I could take over that task. This was not supposed to happen and yet it did.

 _You cannot protect your child all the time and no place is safe enough._ My thoughts from earlier rang in my head as I contemplated the irony. It couldn't have been any more accurate than at that moment. Was it only this morning we were discussing the subject? Why does it feel like such a long time ago? This day, in the cruelest way possible, had proved to be more turbulent that I had ever expected.

I wondered for a moment if the vague apprehension that had shadowed me all day long, was in fact my maternal instincts trying to warn me about this. Jane would have called it a 'gut feeling' and pushed me to act on it. She would have told me to drop everything and drive to the school to make sure he was safe and sound. _Jane would have been here by my side not by hers..._

I shook my head to banish that depressing line of thought only to get trapped in a more stressing one that had me in overdrive. Statistics, analyses and reports about all the types of injuries sustained in school bus accidents started flooding my head, sending me to the brink of a panic attack. I know what the studies says; the damage in most cases is limited to the upper half of the body, leaving the victims with a higher risk of life-threatening injuries. I knew all about those types of trauma, the procedures that should be performed, and the plausible outcomes. As a mother I had insight into way too much for my heart to handle, but as a doctor I didn't know enough. I wanted to be there behind the double doors, not in that waiting room having a war of nerves with time. The longer the wait, the worse the scenarios in my head. My frantic brain fueled with my medical knowledge was certainly the worst company I could have ever had in such a situation.

"He's a tough kid, you know," I heard a familiar voice say abruptly.

It startled me out of my panic before it sent me into a state of shock when I registered to whom the voice belonged. Putting a hand over my chest to settle my palpitations, I willed myself to peer up at my interlocutor. Tentatively, my eyes took in the the length of the tall figure until that beautiful face swam into view. There was Jane Rizzoli … standing right next to me, sporting the hint of a smile and an unreadable look.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spook you," Jane apologized gently as she looked down at me without making eye contact.

"I...no, it's not—I just..." I gibbered in response, my blood chilling my veins with shock.

"I know..." she said as she plopped down on the seat next to me. "I would have thought it was because of me, but you don't really look as surprised as you should. I think it's more about your need to be constantly aware of your surroundings. I apologize if my presence threw you off balance, although I tried to make as much noise as I could with the cane and all. You must have been awfully distracted not to hear me coming," she remarked casually, and all I could do was blink.

Her sudden appearance had me floundering, not knowing quite what to say. The same brain – hyperactive only a minute before – now seemed to forget how to form a reply, not that Jane was waiting for one.

"It's not uncommon among victims of sudden accidents to have a need to be vigilant and alert...it gives them a sense of security and make them feel in control...a residue of the trauma or something like that. Coffee?" she asked before proffering one of the two cups of coffee I failed to notice before, as if she hadn't just alluded to the incident that turned our lives upside down.

My hand took the cup off the tray while I kept staring at her in bewilderment, undoubtedly looking like an imbecile with a serious mental illness. Fortunately, Jane was too busy struggling to get comfortable in her chair.

"God, this shit is awful. Why must all the chairs in hospitals be so uncomfortable?!" she grunted through her clenched teeth as she stretched her injured leg in front of her.

Closing her eyes, Jane rested her head against the wall as her right hand began to rub the cramped muscle. Not waiting for any comment, she started sipping her coffee and I did the same absentmindedly, completely transfixed by the movement of her hand up and down her thigh.

I watched the hypnotizing act for long moments, my breathing in tune with hers, until reality slowly encroached, pulling me out of my trance. For the third time today, I was sharing the same space with the woman I thought I'd never see again. Only this time, there was no bathroom or adjacent office I could hide in, not that I would have dared to move despite the profound urge to run.

The confrontation I was dreading was about to happen... and I was by no means prepared. The realization hit me so hard that I thought I might get sick. My heart that had seemed to find its regular pace only a minute before, had started racing with my mind to see which would drive me to my breaking point first. I heard the blood rushing to my head first before I felt my temples throbbing. Blinking vigorously as the figure before my eyes started to blur, I felt overwhelmingly dizzy as if falling into a dark abyss; I felt like I was drowning. It wasn't until my lungs started burning that I finally caught on to the fact that I wasn't breathing!

"Breathe Maura, breathe," Jane's voice came soft and tender.

Doing as I was told, I blinked the fog away to look at her face, only to find her still enjoying her coffee, seemingly unaware of my predicament. It was just the voice in my head, I realized.

Only then it dawned on me that I had been staring at her since she made her presence known. Afraid of being caught in the act, I hastily tore my eyes away even though hers – albeit not tightly shut – were still closed. Looking at the plain wall in front of me, I tried to control my breathing as I felt myself on the verge of hyperventilating. My body was so visibly shaking, that I started to worry Jane would notice.

 _Calm down Maura, you're losing it. Don't fall apart now. Don't let her see you like that again._

The thought triggered a memory that I had rather was long forgotten. Pieces of our very last conversation that took place only a few hours before I left started streaming into my head. It wasn't much of a conversation as it was me ranting and raving, shouting hurtful words I didn't mean and I deeply regret. Try as I may, I still can't find a rational reason for my outburst, nor for most of my actions that day for that matter. I wanted Jane to shout back, to retaliate against my verbal assault and hurt me the way I did her but she didn't. She just stood there, absorbing every slur and accusation in silence and I hated her for it. I hated the way her hand reached to touch me only to stop midway... I hated the look on her face that would haunt me for years to come...I hated that her last memory of me was me falling apart.

* * *

It took me long minutes to control my nerves and will my brain to calm down and prepare for whatever Jane had up her sleeve. From the start she seemed relaxed, focused and way ahead of the game. She was a woman with a mission, and I wouldn't be surprised if she had prepared beforehand for this confrontation the same way she did for yesterday's raid (save for the bulletproof vest although her hard façade could pass for one).

Jane always liked being in control of the situation especially when it comes to her heart. Never once did she let her walls down for anyone but me. And now that I had lost that privilege, I had to experience for the first time how it feels to be held at arms length by Jane. Even after Hoyt, when we we merely acquaintances, I hadn't witnessed that level of aloofness from her. At least not directed to me. Today I had to see firsthand what Jane Rizzoli looked like shielded by all her walls.

Suddenly the distance between us seemed way bigger than the few inches separating our bodies; bigger than it had ever been during all those years. I turned to look at her again, this time to make sure she was really there, and it took every ounce of my control not to let my hand verify what my teary eyes had claimed. My wife was sitting right next to me, my body hyper aware of hers, but my heart couldn't feel its other half. It is beyond painful to feel lonely in the presence of the only person who could keep that loneliness at bay.

The quietness of the room, if providing me with comfort a few minutes ago, was now driving me completely insane. Jane didn't look like she was going to break the ice anytime soon, and I, for the life of me, didn't seem able to utter a single word. I wanted to address the elephant in the room and get it over with, but I was so terrified of the questions for which I have no answers – the things between us that were left unsaid. I wasn't ready for that either, not when James's accident left me vulnerable and exposed.

It took even more time to gather the courage to speak as I stubbornly wanted to take the lead in this game for a change.

"For how long have you known I was here?" I blurted out without a preamble, as though I was going to choke on the words if I didn't let them out.

"I could ask you the same question," Jane urged calmly without missing a beat, sounding like she was anticipating the question from the start.

"Two days. You?" I answered curtly, still looking ahead.

"A bit longer than that...five years, I guess," came her dry reply. Maintaining the same drab tone, Jane went on to clarify, "...my nosy partner went behind my back and sniffed you out; nothing beyond the name of the city though. I didn't even know you work here until I saw James."

"How did you know he—?"

"Have you seen that kid?" Jane interrupted incredulously as she finally opened her eyes and sat up. "He's practically you when you were his age...only with shorter hair. His reaction to the name of the story only confirmed my suspicions."

Glancing at me sideways, she added, "You know about the story, don't you? That's how you know I'm here. I've been trying to keep a low profile and stay away from the part of the hospital where the morgue is, as well as the cafe and nursery around the times you pick up your son. I knew the story would give me away the moment he asked for the recordings, but it was just so hard to say no to those eyes," she smiled warmly as if she could see them now.

Whatever thoughts her first words evoked in my head had vanished into thin air as she spoke the last ones. The faraway look on her face told me that we were thinking about the same thing: her response when I proposed. The answer wasn't even a 'yes." Instead, it was: " _It would be so hard to say no to those eyes."_

"And before you ask, I knew you had a kid long before I met James," I heard her say after the briefest pause, having recovered from the memory faster than I did. "I ran into Dr. Gardner's assistant at Starbucks a week after you left. Apparently, she saw your test results when you went to confirm the pregnancy and assumed the second attempt had worked. You should have seen the poor woman when she started congratulating me, only to find my shocked stupid face gaping back at her. She thought she had ruined the surprise you were planning for me." A sound between a laugh and snort came out of her mouth before she went on: "It took me 15 minutes to convince her that I already knew and just still couldn't believe it myself. The whole scene would have been so hilarious it it wasn't heart-rending and just... pitifully sad."

She sounded sympathetic as though she was recounting someone else's tale; someone for whom she felt deeply sorry. My mind tried to imagine how the encounter unfolded but just couldn't. It was simply an unimaginable situation no one should find themselves in, let alone someone who went through what Jane had.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I shook the guilt away for the time being. "Did you tell him anything?" I asked tersely instead.

"The kid? Tell him what? 'Hey, buddy. My name is Jane, you might or might not be my son, legally speaking of course. Nice to meet you. Bye!'" she cracked sneeringly, although her weary tone didn't quite match her sass.

In a flash, my face went pale as I recalled my lawyer's warning. _Jane couldn't possibly use James to get back at me, could she?_ A jab of fear shot up my spine when uncertainty answered back.

"Oh for God's sake, you don't think I'm here to snatch your son away, do you?" Jane scoffed incredulously as if she read my mind. Never meeting mine, her dark eyes studied my face briefly before she looked away shaking her head in disbelief. "Relax. I wouldn't, even if he was mine. You can wipe that look off your face now. You look like you're gonna puke all over the floor," she added coldly.

"So he doesn't know anything? You never asked him—"

"I honestly don't know what kind of person you think I have become, but I don't use children to play games. If I want answers I would take it straight from the horse's mouth," she assured, glaring at me. I had the decency to look ashamed. I didn't know what came over me, but I couldn't help the bile growing inside me, overshadowing all the other emotions. It was the same ire I feel after every nightmare, the same irrational anger that had possessed me during the month I stayed in Boston after the incident. It was all directed at one person: Jane.

I must have tuned out for a moment as I only caught her last words: "—if it wasn't for Jayden I would never have approached James. That kid of yours scares the shit out of me."

The sad smile and the concealed bitterness in her voice didn't go unnoticed, but I ignored them, choosing to hold onto the anger. It was easier than dealing with the myriad of emotions that were toying with my resolve.

"My son scares you?! Why? Because he's his?" I spat accusingly hoping to get a rise out of her, to provoke some kind of response that would show me that Jane wasn't as unfazed as she pretended to be. And it almost worked...almost.

I watched as she squared her shoulders and curled her scarred hands into fists at the mention of him. But when she spoke her voice remained impassive, having already forced her stiff body to relax. "He's not his! You, of all people, should know. The kid I found in the hallways consoling Jayden could not possibly be his. James is totally yours."

"So what? You resent him because he's mine? Look, you can hate me as much as you want, but you will leave my son out of it!" I lashed out at her, attracting the attention of the other two people in the room who were just about to get off their seats.

Out of the corner of her eye, Jane shot me a frown that dissolved into an unfathomable expression just before she averted her attention to the couple who were now heading towards the nurses' station. The lounge lapsed into silence for a long moment as my words remained un-echoed.

"Before we even started talking about having kids..." Jane started softly staring off into space, "I would close my eyes and try to imagine how our son or daughter would look. They were always miniature versions of you. When I laid eyes on James the first time, I thought for moment that he was a figment of my imagination; smart, goofy, funny, sweet, and so handsome with his eyes and uni-dimpled smile. He is everything I've ever imagined our son to be, only better. He look so much like you that I know for sure if I let my guard down for a second I would fall in love. I think it's understandable if I keep my distance. It's never a good idea to get attached to what's not yours," she said, her tone shifting from nostalgic to awe-stricken before it settled back on monotonous. "And for the record, I don't hate you," she said last...as if it were a given.

For the second time in a matter of minutes, I felt shame beat my anger. So wrapped up in my misery, I inexcusably ignored Jane's... though it was easy to overlook her feelings when she acted like she had none. I forgot how badly Jane had wanted us to have a baby, how hard it hit her every time we failed, especially with the memory of her miscarriage still so fresh. Just like Emma is the dream that is no longer mine, James is Jane's stolen dream.

Feeling suddenly drained from our tête-à-tête, I decided to cut to the chase. "What are you really here for? What do you want Jane?" I asked warily.

"I'm not here to cause trouble, Maura," Jane mumbled as she rubbed her face diligently before working her fingers through her dark locks in a way that never failed to catch my eye. Following the movement so intensely, I almost yelped when Jane spoke again. "I'm in Seattle only because of the case. I didn't know you worked here before I brought my partner, and I certainly didn't plan for Jayden and James to become friends. So don't go around thinking this is some kind of fucked-up plot or something... but since we're here, I think we need to talk."

"Talk? About what? There is nothing left to talk about," I almost shrilled.

"We never talked about what happened," argued Jane tiredly, as if we had that argument a million times before.

"I had already said my piece—" I protested weakly before I was cut off yet again.

"You can't possibly call your rant the night you left, a talk," she scoffed. "In fact, we never talked about things like that. Every time a bad thing happened to one of us, we brushed it under the rug, laughed it off over a glass of wine and a couple of beers. Sure, we had always been there for each other afterwards; you read what's behind my jokes and sarcasm, and I saw through your googlemouth. But we never discussed details...you don't know what really happened in that basement with Hoyt, or in that room with Bianchi, or what pushed me to shoot myself or jump off the bridge. And, on the other hand, I can't claim to know specifics about Ian's story or Doyle's abduction or the Rockmond incident or what happened that night. Hell, even the shit we were in together was never brought up afterwards. Because that's who we are—were even before we meet; each so used to dealing with her own crap on her own. It suited us as friends, but as a couple that should have changed, especially after marriage..." Jane said before her voice trailed off into a remorseful whisper, as if the words weren't meant to be heard. "But we kept on playing the anchor and the safe harbor for one another, and never once did we discuss the damage the storms had done to the ship until it sank."

I tuned her words out as I couldn't afford letting myself really contemplate her argument. All I wanted was for this conversation to end. "Fine, let's say you're right. I still don't see the point. We both moved on with our lives, why open the old wounds?"

At that, in a swift move, Jane turned fully to face me. Her expression told me that I had said the wrong thing. A nagging feeling inside pushed me to look away as our eyes were about to meet for the first time.

"Look at me!" Jane demanded, her voice teetering on the edge of a sibilant whisper. When I didn't comply, she leaned so closely I could feel her breathing on my right cheek. " .ME!" she hissed darkly, bringing her tone to an even lower pitch that resounded in my ears like a loud howl.

Defiant as I might be, I couldn't ignore her command any longer, nor could I conceal the shiver that rearranged every cell in my body and put it back into place. Tentatively, I turned to face her, our noses almost touching. In slow motion, my eyes moved from the slightly cleft chin and chiseled jaw to linger on the rosy lips, then up to the perfect nose and the high cheekbones before they reached their ultimate destination. Only then could I discern why she never made eye contact.

Looking squarely at the familiar set of eyes, I gasped mutely as I felt the air get knocked out of my lungs. I believe I saw more than Jane had meant for me to see; I saw an abiding sadness and a raw pain, shattered heart and drifting soul. I saw the emptiness I am used to see in my patients' eyes. I saw the embodiment of what they call 'dead inside.'

Vacant eyes looked back at me as if I was translucent causing me to swallow audibly, my throat completely dry. "Do I look like someone who has moved on? Someone who has a fucking life?" Jane breathed, panting like she had just run a hundred miles, and once again I found my breathing naturally matching hers.

My answer ran hot and salty down my cheeks, as my misty eyes peered at the dry ones that seemed to have forgotten how to shed a tear. I opened my mouth to say something, anything but a heart-wrenching sob was all that came out, causing Jane to pull away. She returned to her seat, making the distance between us bigger than it initially was. We sat like that for a long moment, me silently crying and Jane seemingly struggling not to run away, both waiting for our breathing to settle.

"My point is..." she started with a low gravelly voice, prompting me to glance at her as she stared down at the scars in her hands. "I've known your whereabouts for five years, but I never bothered you once. You felt like leaving, and so you did. You told me to let you go, and so I did. Even divorce papers... you wanted me to sign them on your terms. It's now time for me to ask and for you to concede...you owe me that much, Maura. I want— I need to talk about it, and if you ask me, you need it too. You choose the time and the place and I'll be there," she concluded with finality.

At that exact moment, Arizona chose to erupt through the double doors, bearing news on my son. And faster than blinking, any thought that wasn't James-centric left my mind.

* * *

"Shush honey, don't cry. He's going to OK," whispered Arizona into my ears, completely misreading my tears.

I wanted to pull away from her embrace, to tell her that I don't like to be cuddled when I'm upset, but all I could manage was to cry more excessively.

"How is he? What took you so long? Does he need surgery?" I fired questions as soon as I found my voice.

"He's fine. You, on the other hand, have to calm down, OK? We don't want another panic attack, do we," she said softly crouching before me, taking my hand in hers.

"What?!"

Arizona eyed me with concern for a moment, then she sighed. "You don't remember, do you? You kinda freaked out after the call you received about James. Your poor assistant, at a loss for what to do, had them page me. Fortunately I was crashing in one of the on-call rooms. On my way down to the morgue, I plotted Daniel's death for waking me, but when I saw you I couldn't blame him. You were a mess honey...I thought I'd have to sedate you."

"Oh God," to say I was embarrassed, was understating how I felt in that moment. The fact that I still couldn't remember even after what she said was disturbing, but I had a bigger concern to worry about. "I'm fine now. Please, just tell me how he is," I pleaded.

"The patient was brought here unconscious. After full examination, there wasn't any life-threatening injuries. The only thing that had us a bit concerned was the upper GI bleed. So ran another ultrasound to dismiss the surgery. He also had a minor concussion, dislocated shoulder, and a few bruises that will fade in no time. We'll keep him here for few days, then he's ready to go. Like I said, he's going to be just fine. You'll will see for yourself when they move him to his room," she explained as she would do with any worried mother.

"You sure he doesn't need a surgery? Internal bleeding could be deceptive. And about the unconsciousness? Surely the minor concussion doesn't explain it. Did you check for intra-cranial hemorrhage—?"

"Hey, stop it! He fainted, as simple as that. And may I remind you, Dr. Isles, that I know how to do my job," she put in firmly, although her eyes were soft with sympathy. "The speed at which the bus crashed into the tree wasn't high enough to cause any life threatening injuries to any of the victims; not James nor the other kid that was in the bus with him, nor the driver who it appears managed to hit the brakes before he had the stroke," she explained before she moved to take the seat on my left.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," I mumbled as I buried my face into my hand, feeling my body sag with relief. "Good thing the bus was almost empty. It explains why I'm the only one here."

"Isn't she too tall and hot to be invisible?" Arizona whispered motioning to my right side. It was a whisper that could be heard from the other end of the room.

Seeing the sly grin on her face, I knew her comment was meant to reach the other woman – Jane. I somehow forgot about her and was more than a little surprised that she was still there. Gone was the troubled woman that only minutes before could barely hold it together. In her place was Agent Rizzoli with her untouched façade in full display. She was sporting the same look she does when she thinks something was mightily fascinating, and the object of her admiration this time happened to be my friend Arizona.

"Hello, you must be Jane, I'm—" Arizona greeted, stretching her hands for Jane to shake.

"Dr. Robbins, the one who saved the baby, right?" Jane supplied, gracefully taking the offered hand in hers. "I'm Agent Rizzoli. It's nice to be able to put a face to the name."

I watched as Arizona Robbins, who never blushes, did just that under Jane's intense gaze. The handshake lasted way longer than it was deemed appropriate before Arizona cleared her throat. "Well, it is nice to finally meet you. Please call me Arizona," she said flushing a decidedly flirtatious smile, and if my eyes weren't aching from excessive crying, I would have rolled them at her, and maybe smacked her upside the head for good measure. It wasn't that she would ever make a move on a married woman – she just can't help herself.

"Very unique name. You only share it with an entire state," cracked Jane, smirking as she sat back.

"You're one to talk, Jane," quipped Arizona without missing a beat, drawing a short laugh from Jane. "So, how is the baby girl and Mrs..?"

"Morales, Agent Allison Morales. The baby is Emma and she's doing well, thanks to you. I hope you liked the flowers I sent and didn't think it was presumptuous. I just want to say thanks on Alice's behalf since she couldn't do it in person," answered Jane with a gentle smile.

"Oh those were from you?" cooed Arizona, sounding pleasantly surprised. "That was so nice of you, but you didn't have to. I was just doing my job."

Nodding at the reply, Jane kept staring at Arizona, observing her every blink, as if she had never heard of 'subtlety.' It wasn't until my friend cleared her throat again that Jane snapped out of whatever stupor she was in. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare. It just.. Had anyone told you before that you and Dr. Isles look so much alike. If I didn't know any better, I could swear you were sisters," she explained, looking exclusively at my friend as if I wasn't in the room with them.

"God, not you too!" groaned Arizona playfully, glancing at me sideways. _Thank God someone had noticed you're still here_ , taunted the voice in my head.

"I'm not the only one with eyes, I see," Jane surmised, relaxing back at her chair.

"They call us 'the chirpy twins,'" Arizona deadpanned, rolling her eyes.

Chuckling a little at that, Jane replied, "Well, I'm not sure about the 'twins' part, but 'chirpy,' I can totally see the point." And upon seeing that I was not amused, she retracted "...or maybe not."

They both laughed and I sat in in the middle with a forced smile, feeling oddly like a third wheel. Before they go any further into their flirty chatter, a young nurse I didn't recognize addressed Jane. "Excuse me ma'am."

Jane turned to look at the young woman, frowning at the term 'ma'am'. "Yes?"

"We've been trying to reach you over half an hour now," the nurse answered, sounding a bit annoyed, which didn't pass unnoticed by Jane who arched an eyebrow at her while checking her phone.

"Damn! The battery is dead," she grumbled to herself before turning back to the young woman. "I'm sorry about that. Why have you been calling? Is everything OK?"

"Yes ma'am. Your wife is awake and wants to see you," the nursed said with a wide smile.

"What?" Jane scrunched up her face with confusion, looking at me for the first time since Arizona entered the room.

"Your wife? The patient in Room 23? She woke up from a coma?" the young woman clarified, her smile dimmed slightly.

"Oh, she's not— she's awake? Oh thank God," Jane murmured, sounding happy and utterly relieved, but not so much as one should be when receiving such news about their partner. _Unless_... only then did the pieces fall into place causing me to shake my head at my stupidity. I couldn't believe I didn't see it sooner. _So much for the genius you are_ , sneered the Jane in my head, but I hardly paid her any attention as an odd sense of relief flooded me.

"How is she?" Jane asked as she struggled to stand up.

The nurse went to help her but was stopped by a hand lifted hand by the stubborn agent. "She seemed alert and responsive, although she was a little—" she answered before halting mid sentence, probably realizing that she said more than she should.

"A little what? What's wrong with her?" demanded Jane, growing rapidly alarmed.

"I'm not sure it's my place to—" she started but Jane's abiding stare coerced her to give in, not without a sigh of annoyance. "She seemed disoriented and confused. She doesn't remember anything about being married to you."

The room went quiet in the wake of her words until a laugh burst out of my mouth without permission. Three sets of eyes gawked at me in bafflement as I tried to stifle my laughter. Which was easier said than done when Jane started laughing as well, now that she finally caught on to the hilarity in the nurse's words.

"Jesus Christ..." Jane gasped through her guffaw. "Of course she wouldn't remember something that never happened. Alice and I are not married."

"You're not?" inquired Arizona and the nurse in unison.

"No! Well, we are but not to each other," Jane said like the mere possibility of that was a pure absurdity.

"But when you first came here you said she's your partner!" pushed the confused young woman.

Jane narrowed her eyes at her, trying to understand what all the fuss was about until it dawned on her. "Oh that's why you assumed she's my wife? Alice and I would have gotten a divorce a day before we got married," she chuckled gaily at that. "She's my partner at work."

"Oh God, I better go save Dr. Hunt before he makes a fool of himself and calls the neurologist," the nurse grunted, hurrying towards the elevators. "I told you she wants to see you ASAP, right?" she called.

"Yes, thank you. I'll be there in a minute," assured Jane.

If the young nurse was satisfied with what had been said so far, Arizona, on the other hand, was obviously not. "If you're merely partners at work, then why does the boy call you Momma Jay?"

"It's not really that unusual to call your Godmother some variety of the term 'mother,' right?" Jane offered with a shrug. "I used to call my Godmother 'Mama Carla' until I was old enough to see her for the bitch she was...I was three," she added sassily earning a laugh from both of us.

"Anyway, I have to go now," she mumbled as she pulled a card out of her jacket pocket. Jotting something down on it, she handed it to me, her now unreadable eyes looking squarely into my mine. "Please, give me a call when you know more about James."

As she turned to Arizona, reiterating her gratitude with another handshake, I inspected the back of the business card, looking for a personal number but instead I found three words scratched hurriedly... _'Whenever you're ready_.'

Before I had a chance to mull over the message, my mind went blank as I felt soft lips brush against my temple bringing my eyes to flutter shut. The kiss, albeit brief, was more than enough to conjure the memory of the hundreds of times I relished such sensation, every time Jane and I had to part for the day. Still stunned by the unexpected act, I opened my eyes to watch Jane's retreating figure makes her way to an elevator, only to stop dead in her tracks as if she ran into an invisible wall. A few steps away, she stood still for a second giving me a chance to see the shocked look on her face just before she bolted from the lounge.

Jane's reaction, if somewhat strange, only confirmed my suspicions; the kiss wasn't consciously intended but out of habit – as was my response to it. Looking longingly to where my wife had just disappeared, I whispered silently: _please be safe._

* * *

The night had already settled in, bringing the eventful day near to an end. James was sound asleep in the room he was sharing with the other boy from the accident, giving me enough time for a much-needed shower and a meal. Arizona tagged along, vehemently refusing to leave my side until she deemed me capable of taking care of myself, completely undeterred by my grunts of annoyance. It was times like this when I have some inkling of how it feels to have a sibling. While a best friend would have picked on my need for space, Arizona (like every annoying, loving sister) was convinced that she knew what's best for me more than I do. And today, she might have been right. All I wanted was to stay alone, but what I needed was company and distraction from my ruthless brain as the events of the day had started to sink in.

"— and now that she's not the cheating bitch who plays back alley romance with her brother-in-law, I think I like her. Sure, she's a bit strange with all the staring and stuff, but she certainly has charm. I can totally see why you were— hey there, sky dweller. You zoned out on me again. Are you sure you're OK?" Arizona asked for what felt like the hundredth time since we came down to my office.

"What? Yes, I'm—" I tried to recover from my reverie, but I couldn't seem to pull out from it. Jane had left me scatterbrained, unable to think of much aside from her scent lingering in the air, long after she left, and how close we were to each other without me chancing a touch.

"Don't say 'fine', Isles. I don't know how your hives missed that one. You barely touched your food, and your mind is MIA. Can you even tell what I was talking about for the last half hour?" asked Arizona narrowing her sharp blue eyes at me.

Cursing inwardly, I set the fork down and drew a long breath. "I am fine and not hungry. And yes, of course I heard you waxing poetic about my—" I stopped just in time before I blurted it out, which caused my companion to raise an eyebrow skeptically. Try as I may, I couldn't come up with any other word for Jane, as all my vocabulary had been reduced to one particular word "—wife" I whispered, oddly finding it a little easier to breathe.

Arizona glanced at me, then did a double-take. "W—what?" She spluttered, holding the fork midair.

"Jane and I have been married for 8 years now, at least on paper," I offered quietly.

Watching her comical reaction to words, I almost laughed. Arizona's face contracted into some of the strangest expressions I've ever seen as she tried to make sense of what I had just said.

When she finally spoke, her features had settled on a horrified look. "Oh my God! I was flirting with my best friend's wife!" she blurted out in a shrill voice. Seeing the 'Seriously?!' look on my face, she threw her hand in the air. "Oh come on, you just dropped a bombshell. I'm processing backwards, OK? So shut up and give me a minute here."

a few more weird faces and a couple of minutes later, the question I was expecting finally came. "Why don't I know anything about this?" Arizona inquired, her voice laced with confusion and hurt.

Averting my eyes from hers, I stayed silent for a moment contemplating what this conversation would lead to. Surely it wouldn't cost me my friend, but I wasn't so sure about her respect. Looking down at my left hand, I ran my thumb over where the symbol of my marriage should have been. I lost them that day, along with everything, and I didn't feel whole ever since.

"Back then, we weren't that close to discuss our love life with each other. Our emails were mainly about our jobs. You only knew about Jane because she and I worked together. When our friendship turned to more, it hadn't even occurred to me to mention it to you. By the time we decided to get married, the plane crash had happened..." I gave her a moment to recover from the mention of her accident, before I carried on. "When I moved here and we became friends, it was still too fresh to open up about it. I just wanted to forget and start anew. I kept telling myself that someday it'll become easier to talk about it, but it never does. I'm so sorry."

I could see Arizona eyeing me intensely, her mouth snapped into a tight, straight line. "So what happened? She threw away two years of marriage and God knows how many years of friendship because you fell pregnant?" she gambled skeptically, before her eyes went wide. "Please tell me she did not leave you because of what—"

"No! Jane would have never left me," I interrupted shaking my hands at the absurdity of the implication. "I was the one who left," I added quietly casting my eyes down.

Even without looking at her, I knew Arizona would be shocked by my revelation. She surely didn't expect that I would be the one who did the leaving. A small part of her, just like everyone else, supposed it would be the other way around; the rape victim should be grateful if anyone ever wanted her, and not turn down someone who was willing to put up with her broken body and the stain of shame on her face.

I swallowed hard, bracing myself for the hardest part. "A month after the incident, I left her without a warning. I wrote her a note not to look for me and a month later I sent her divorce papers with my lawyer, but she never signed them."

Arizona stared at me with an open mouth. "You dumped your wife with a freaking note?! Jesus..."

"I know!" I all but yelled. Feeling overwhelmingly angry at myself, I looked her in the eye, my voice dimmed in a whisper. "I know. Who does that? Who..." I choked on my tears as I struggled to take a breath.

In an instant, I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, I'm not judging you, OK? I'm just surprised – that's all. Besides, who am I to judge anyway? I screwed up my life with my own hands, remember?" Arizona assured softly, brushing my tears away. We looked at each other for a long moment before we burst out laughing at her unintended pun. "God, I did literally, didn't I?"

Letting twin sighs out, Arizona and I went quiet. My head rested on her right shoulder as I closed my eyes, feeling utterly exhausted.

"So...What did the wife want?" asked Arizona teasingly, trying to inject a note of levity.

"She wants to talk," I whined, following suit.

"Don't they all?" she cracked cheekily before she sobered. "What are you gonna do? What do _you_ want?"

Exhaling loudly, I shrugged, "Crawl into bed and have a good cry about it for a week or so, then get up and pretend it never happened. Do you think I can manage that?"

"Yeah sure. An IV and a catheter and you're ready to go." She answered in fake earnestness, earning a weak chuckle from me.

"I know she deserves to know why I left," I started timidly after a few minutes of comfortable quietness. "She wants answers, and I just..."

"—not sure you have them? You think about it and you never seem to figure out why you did it. All you can come up with is a bunch of excuses but never a reason?" supplied Arizona with a somber tone and I nodded. "I think you should talk to her for both your sakes. Maybe you could help each other understand. You have to remember that she went through that as well, not only you Dorth..." she reasoned softly.

"I know that...I just don't know why no one understands?" I exclaimed stubbornly as I pulled away to look at her. "Don't you think it's redundant at this point? It's too late, Arizona. She said it herself. The ship had already sunk."

Arizona opened her mouth in protest but thought better of it as she realized that it will fall on deaf ears. "The ship? She said that?" she sneered instead.

"Yes she did, and also used the term 'anchor' and 'harbor," I added causing Arizona to laugh outright. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing I just remembered that I pulled that one with Callie...kinda told her she was my 'anchor' right before she threw my ass to the curb," she explained through her laughter. "That trick never works."

Shaking my head at her, I rose to my feet. "Come on, I think we should call it a night." Arizona was only too happy to agree, grumbling about the long 'weird ass' day as we cleared the coffee table and gathered our things.

As we reached James's room, Arizona pulled a serious face before she asked: "I still have a question though, and hope you'll be honest with me: did you have it taped?"

"Have what taped?"

"Yesterday's game," she deadpanned. "Her voice of course. Please tell me you have tapes I can borrow," she said batting her eyelashes.

Laughing tiredly in response, I shooed her away. "Go get some sleep and stop drooling over my wife."

Arizona's eyebrow shot up at my words as the corners of her mouth turned up bringing a familiar grin. The kind that not even my dead glare could sweep from her face. Lifting her hand in the air, she started walking backwards laughing. "Relax, I'm not going to say anything to that." Her laugh wilted into a soft smile. "Look, I don't want it to sound cliché, but it's never too late. Just think about why she didn't sign the divorce papers."

With that she took her leave, knowing that she had just planted a seed of hope in my mind.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey there. I can't apologize enough for the delayed update. I guess moving to another country is more time consuming than I thought. Anyhow, here is a new chapter, I hope you like it. As always, feel free to leave your notes, comments or questions.**

 **Special thanks to Kik4464**

 **p.s: I'll try to answer all your messages as soon as I can.**

* * *

Three days had passed since I last saw Jane. Three days of hesitating, stalling, typing her phone number but never making the call. Torn between common sense and fear, I was at a loss as to what to do other than ignoring the gnawing need to just see her and hear her voice again. My indecision left me restless as the days drew longer, notably after I had been advised to take a week off. With too much time on my hands, I had no choice but to dwell on what had happened three days before, driving myself to a nasty headache each time. And the nights naturally were even worse.

In those dark hours spent on the atrocious sofa in James's hospital room, my brain showed no mercy as it replayed every shred of the conversation I had with Jane. Dissecting every detail of our encounter that I might have missed in the heat of the moment. From her choice of words to every move she made with her hands, I went over everything with a fine-toothed comb, meticulous as I am. Was it a desperate attempt to get a better understanding of the situation? Or was it just me being a masochist, torturing myself to tears? I don't know. What I know is how easy, it still is, to get lost in everything that made Jane the person she is. Even more so now that she had turned into a complete mystery to me. Agent Rizzoli seemed like an uncharted territory that I'm both eager and terrified to explore. And so far, the fear of the unknown had won the battle every time.

* * *

Whether it was my puffy, dull eyes that greeted her with barely concealed relief, or the prolonged hug I gave her in such a public place, my state of mind didn't go unnoticed by my mother. She had called the day before to let me know of her visit and, given the current circumstances, we had agreed to meet in the hospital lobby instead of the airport. And that's how we found ourselves in a display of emotions that neither of us was used to. I must have been more tired than I thought to act in such an emotional manner, but what was more surprising was that my mother reciprocated immediately, hugging me back just as long, not pulling away until I finally did.

Still keeping a loose embrace, I saw confusion and worry taking over her features. Her smile, however, stayed intact as she studied my face while we exchanged greetings. I wouldn't meet her searching gaze then, for I knew she always has a way of knowing whatever thing I was trying to hide from the look in my eyes. And the last thing I wanted was for her to know about Jane's accidental reappearance in my life. While it was true that she had never mentioned Jane's name or questioned my decision since the day she was made aware, her silent pity and sad smiles spoke louder than words ever could. She was very fond of Jane and thought the world of her, so much so that I often felt guilty for taking her away from my mother's life in the process.

"Darling, what's wrong? Is it James? I thought it was 'juste un petit accident!"

"James is fine mother. I'm just tired I guess. I didn't sleep much last night. Don't worry yourself," I said, making a visible effort to sound more convincing and less worn out than I actually was.

"Well I must say exhaustion doesn't suit your complexion, dear. You look awful!" she remarked plainly. Only her concerned expression made her sound solicitous rather than brusque.

Being accustomed to my mother's rather refreshing bluntness, I found the comment oddly funny, so I laughed: "Why thank you, Mother. you look wonderful too."

"Like I said, he's doing very well and he's set to be discharged by the end of this week. You didn't have to come all the way here, although it's really nice to see you, Mother."

"Nonsense!" she exclaimed then looked apologetic. "I meant to visit earlier this week, but for some reasons I don't care to bore you with, I couldn't make it to your birthday. I'm so sorry sweetheart."

"You shouldn't worry about it, Mom. I'm not twelve anymore, remember?" I shrugged, chuckling lightly.

"I wasn't there for you when you were," she reminded me as we came to a halt in front of the elevators.

For a moment, I wondered if that was another conversation where a guilt-ridden Constance makes an appearance, expressing the depths of her regret and remorse for being less of a mother than I deserved. The kind of conversations I grew weary of, for it left me with a heavy heart from a supposedly forgotten hurt that suddenly doesn't feel so. _I could do without one of those now_ , I thought. But glancing at her sideways, I found no trace of guilt on her timelessly beautiful face, only a wistful smile. I couldn't help the twinge of envy I felt then. She clearly had moved on from that chapter of her life, leaving the past where it belongs: in the past. I had the fleeting urge to ask her how she did it, but I doubted the question would ease the growing concern I could see in her eyes.

I smiled genuinely instead, for the first time in the last couple of days. "You're here now. That's all that matters," I assured her and myself. _Maybe there's still hope for me after all._

* * *

A minute later, the elevator doors slid open just in time as a vaguely familiar voice started calling my name. Turning my head to face its source, I watched as Alice's brother, Adam, made his way toward us.

"Yes?" I answered, feeling my pulse quickening for no reason that I could tell.

"Dr. Isles! I'm Agent Adam Ward, FBI," he started, offering me his hand to shake and my mother a smile that his facial muscles failed to deliver as such. "Can I have a word, please?"

"Of course, just give me a minute here," I said warily, wondering if this has anything to do with Jane, because apparently everything around here was about her these days.

He nodded, then sauntered toward a haggard looking woman stood seemingly waiting for the elevator as well. She was clad in a pair of faded jeans and a well-worn grey hoodie, a look that didn't do justice to her fair complexion and short chestnut hair. From the brief glance I cast at her while distractedly ushering my mother to James's room, I suspected that she was somehow related to the dead agent still lying in my morgue, but immediately dismissed the possibility of her being the infamous Jude. And that's how I had learned my lesson of the day, in two portions: Never judge a book by its cover.

As it turned out, it was in fact a Jane-related matter, and the raggedly dressed woman was indeed Dr. Jude Walker. And I once again had failed miserably to picture yet another woman in Jane's life. I hadn't realized how much thought I had given the doctor until an odd sense of letdown settled in. My typecasting had obviously set the bar of my expectations higher than it should be. In her baggy clothes, Jude looked small, fragile and lost. Her face was pale and drawn, bearing the signs of sleepless nights. Her grief-induced-raggedness, however, had failed to hide her physical appeal. Jude was attractive, but averagely so. Everything about her was average; her height, her shape, her haircut.. An average woman in her mid thirties with nothing special to make her stand out from the crowd, or so I thought.

She didn't offer me a handshake nor even a look; a curt nod was all I got from her as Adam informed me of the Bureau's wishes for me to walk their ME through my findings during the viewing. She didn't utter a word when I offered them the services of a colleague instead as I was off duty, nor when the annoyingly persistent agent insisted on my presence, rambling about the personal nature of her visit. Only when he mentioned Jane's name...saying that I should consider the request a personal favor for an old colleague...did she tear her eyes away from the floor and peer at me. This revealed the most beautiful set of eyes that I've ever seen in my life. A stunning shade of grey, they shimmered with a hint of azure, the color of the sky at the break of a winter dawn. They were stormy. They were cold. They were beautiful. My initial assessment redeemed itself in an instant; the woman suddenly didn't look fragile or lost anymore, and certainly not commonplace for the look in those gorgeous eyes suggested the complete opposite. In the new light, Jude Walker seemed so captivating and intriguing that I found myself leading the way to the basement if only to find out more about her. Funny how one small detail could change the whole picture.

* * *

Jude didn't wail or break down in tears when she saw the body, nor did she try to touch him as most of my patients' loved ones do. She just stood over him for almost fifteen minutes, nearly as still and quiet as he was. So much so, that I had made a conscious effort to breathe softly so i didn't disrupt her. Not wishing to intrude upon those intimate moments, I had averted my eyes from her to look more closely at the other presence in the room.

Good looks obviously run in the Ward family and Adam had his fair share alright. He looked like a twin to his older sister only taller and darker, with a surprisingly softer version of her strong features. His shock of black hair added a boyish charm, making him look much younger than his three decades. Based on his appearance, Adam looked to be a likable young man, if only he didn't hide behind the jerk attitude to make up for the lack of an imposing presence. In the same room, a few days ago, Jane had called him 'an ass' and after less than half an hour in his company, I could totally vouch for that. Sympathy apparently didn't register on his radar as he kept looking back and forth between his watch and Dr. Walker, his impatient sighs making it clear that he thought she was taking more time than she ought to. Our eyes met more than once, and every time I had to refrain from making my thoughts of him just as clear.

Too busy going over my growing list of the reasons to dislike the man, I almost missed Jude's question, spoken in a whisper that barely scratched the heavy silence. Her voice came low and slightly hoarse, but its soft quality still registered in my ears.

"Did he suffer?" she asked without taking her eyes off the body.

"Um.. I can make you a copy of my initial report, if you wish," I offered gently.

"No, there's no need. I only want to know if he was in pain before he died," she clarified.

I blinked slightly taken aback by the reply, then turned my confusion towards Agent Ward as if to ask _'what am I doing here if that's all she needed?'_ Adam only shrugged in response.

"No, I don't believe so." I said briefly, sparing her the details as she wished.

Bobbing her head at that, she let out a protracted sigh then fell silent for a moment. When her next question came, her tone was different and her voice had already lost some of its gruffness: "What can you tell me about the bullet?"

Before I could say anything, Agent Ward jumped from the other end of the room: "Don't answer that, Dr. Isles! I've already told Dr. Walker that it was all classified."

My initial annoyance grew tenfold for being treated like an incompetent novice, but years of working alongside federal agents taught me better than to acknowledge his bark. It was about the only way to handle their attitude...not giving in to the so-tempting urge to kick their teeth in when they opened their mouths.

"You know I couldn't possibly disclose this kind of information even if I actually did have it. The bullet was examined in your labs and all the results were kept there, a detail I think you already know, Doctor," I answered, arching an eyebrow at her in question.

Jude looked up shifting her focus my way. Her eyes took their time to gaze at me, revealing nothing save for a frank appraisal as if she had just seen me for the first time. Then, to my surprise, the corners of her mouth twitched into a faint smile...like I had just cracked a joke. A joke that Agent Ward was the butt of.

"And _you,_ Doctor, know the answer to the question I didn't ask all the same. The bullet came from a feeb's gun, didn't it?" she countered, testing the water.

I knew that her question, just like the previous one, wasn't really addressed to me for she seemed more interested in Adam's reaction than mine. And his evident surprise was all she needed for confirmation.

"Oh, come on! Don't look so surprised, Ward. There is always someone around who can't keep their trap shut. You guys chew the fat like a bunch of old ladies at bingo club, then go around throwing the C word like you're the freaking CIA." She mocked, chuckling a little at a faint blush that crept up his face, then sobered up before she added: "So why don't you be a dear and tell me: Is it true? Did Jay kill my boyfriend?"

The air shifted around us as the question hung over our heads like a lowering cloud. The silence went heavier to match the weight of Jude's stare at Adam. Its intensity brought out the blue in her grey eyes, making her irises look like two bullets made of ice. They made me want to fidget, and they weren't even directed to me. Agent Ward, to his credit, didn't as much flinch while he stared back, silently weighing his options.

"I don't know" he said at last.

Having yet to master his poker face, the young agent was incapable of keeping the truth from showing in his dark eyes, and I wasn't the only one able to see it. The notable change in Jude said as much. Her next breath was drawn raggedly when her suspicions were confirmed. Her mouth opened and closed a couple of times but nothing came out as she blinked numbly at Adam. Her lower lip began to quiver and her eyes looked suspiciously misty before she shut them. She turned away quickly, placing her hands on the edge of the slab to steady herself. Whatever emotion she was holding back had her shaking so badly I feared she'd come apart at the seams.

"Damn it Jay, damn it," she murmured over and over to herself, as if to exorcise the pain away, while Adam and I stood there watching her struggle. I wondered then if he too thought of how odd it was that this piece of information seemed to rattle her more than the sight of her lover's dead body.

"Where is she?" she asked a moment later, her voice cold, her eyes even colder.

"I don't know," Agent Ward repeated wearily.

Giving a snort of disbelief, Jude grunted, "For Christ's sake, Adam! you're always following her around, clung to her ass like a wedgie. So cut the crap, and tell me where she is!"

"Watch it, Walker!" he barked through his clenched teeth, his eyes flared at the stinging insult. "I told you I don't fucking know!"

The bitterness I heard mingled with anger and the tremor in his voice convinced me then. Jude's whole demeanor had changed; her agitation dissipated, leaving an odd expression in its wake. This time when she eyed the agent, her unwavering gaze went unanswered.

"She did it again, didn't she?" Jude ventured quietly. At Adam's stiff nod, she went on: "For how long has she been missing?"

"Almost three days," he mumbled laconically, failing to disguise worry as annoyance.

Walker puffed a mirthless laugh, shaking her head at no one in particular: "Well, that's Jay for you, buddy. Nothing if not consistent! A fucking coward!"

Her laugh tapered off in a second, then everything went quiet again. Adam swallowed his protest in defeat, Jude went back to hover over the body, and I just stood there wondering what on earth they were talking about.

We might have stayed like that for a minute or ten before Jude once again broke the silence: "Not worth fretting over, Romeo. It's not like it's the first time, right? Give it a day or two and she'll show up. Of course, assuming that she didn't die in some dark alley, choking on her vomit, as I hope. "

Casting a last glance at her dead lover, Dr. Walker drew the sheet up his face then turned to leave. When she made it to the double doors, she called over her shoulder with an air of nonchalance that sounded forced to my ear: "And while you're looking, you might as well try to find your sense, Ward. Trust me, that woman got no heart."

* * *

An hour later I was still in the morgue alone nursing a seismic headache. Agent Ward had left shortly after Dr. Walker made her dramatic exit, leaving a seed of fear to grow rapidly in my chest. His worried face wouldn't leave my mind, but the fleck of concern I caught in Jude's eyes was what disturbed me the most. Despite her harsh words, I know she was worried.

 _Should I be, too? Do I even have a right to be? Does what happened three days ago have anything to do with Jane's disappearance?_

The questions kept hounding in my head, reinforced by the snippets of Jude and Adam's exchange that were still ringing in my ears. I tried my best to keep myself from drifting down that road, refusing to let my brain play a DVR once more. In the last three days, I hadn't lingered long on the reason behind Jane's lack of contact, relieved that she was giving me the space she had promised. Now the relief turned into a churning knot of worry that settled unbudgingly in my stomach. Neither the abstract nature of Jane's relationship with Jude nor the story of her repeated disappearance were high on my list of concern. Only her whereabouts exhausted my thoughts for the best part of the last hour. Had I gone back to James's room sooner, I wouldn't have lost that much time wondering where Jane was.


	8. Chapter 8

**enjoy :)**

 **thanks Kik4464**

* * *

They say the beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, but if you asked me about _hers,_ I would say: Listen to her voice. Listen to more than its sultry quality that titillates your every sense, ignites flames of desire and fantasies you never knew you had. Let your ears register more than the intimidating undertone that had ruthless criminals sweat with nerves. Beneath the husky timbre, there is a softness that reaches you beyond lust and fear; a warmth that touches your soul if she ever deemed you worth the time of day. Listen to her talk to a child or comfort a victim's loved ones, and you'll see the beauty of the woman I fell in love with, summarized in tones rather than words.

Sometimes, my memories of her get fuzzy and the details become a mere blur. I feared each time that I was starting to forget her, but that voice always reassured me as it never lost its clarity in my head. So many years had gone by, yet my ears were still attuned to its rich cadence. I wouldn't have missed it in the cacophony of the most crowded of places, even less in the relatively-quiet floor where James's room was.

The minute I stepped in, I knew she was there. The air carried her voice with agility, occasionally disrupted by the oohs and aahs coming from James and his friends. From a distance the words were quiet and indiscernible but still managed to stir every fiber of my being. With open arms, I welcomed the effect, feeling the knot in my stomach lessening with every step.

 _She's here, she's safe, I_ chanted inwardly as I picked up my pace toward the room, caution thrown to the wind. My fear and hesitation were all but gone, leaving room for an overwhelming sense of relief.

I didn't have a chance to venture much further when the sound I heard next brought me to a screeching halt. Among the kids' loud laughs came a demure one to remind me of the visitor I had forgotten all about: my mother! Only two hours before, the idea of her, my son, and Jane in the same room had sounded like a perfect recipe for a nightmare; an accident waiting to happen. At that moment, however, I experienced a myriad of feelings, and panic was not among them. Feeling oddly calm and justifiably curious, I moved closer, careful to stay out of sight.

The corridor was naturally lit and the mid-afternoon shadows provided a decent cover. The small size of the room itself helped the matter as I could easily see most of it, even from where I stood. The first thing that met my eyes was my mother sitting on one of two beds, with James resting against her. On the other, I could see some of the kids while the rest lounged on the dreadful sofa. All the attention was aimed at the far end of the room, where Jane was seated on a rocking chair, Jayden perched on her lap. The chair was positioned in a way that gave her visual access to the entire room without compromising her perfect view to the doorway. Not daring to inch any closer, I leaned against the wall and listened to the rest of the tale.

* * *

— _Alice didn't want to leave but she couldn't stay either, because the pull was way stronger than her will. She felt helpless, and she hated it. But what she hated even more, was that she couldn't talk about it with her best friend. How could she explain it all to Maura when she, herself, didn't understand it until it was already too late?_

 _The amnesic girl had finally remembered who she was. Her real name wasn't Alice, and she wasn't a lost spirit nor a ghost. She had a life and a family that were waiting for her to come back._

 _It broke her heart to have to leave Maura behind and put an end to their journey, but it was time for both of them to go home. So many promises were about to be broken, so many words were to be left unsaid, and Alice just wished there was some way to make things right before she left. Unfortunately, time was against her and it didn't give even a chance to say goodbye. Her only hope was that little Maura would have enough faith in their friendship to believe that, sooner or later, they will find their way to each other again._

 _Frost was left with the task of consoling Maura, while wondering where the invisible girl had gone. During the months they had spent together, he was never able to see Alice, but had learned how to sense her presence nonetheless. And now her absence weighed so heavily on him, he could only imagine what it did to Maura. His little companion looked sad, hurt, and in dire need of a friend. Not to fill Alice's shoes because obviously no one could, but to give her a shoulder to cry on. In times like this, he felt so grateful that he had decided to tag along because he hated to imagine Maura facing this situation all by her own._

 _He listened to her as she recounted what had happened through her tears. Wisely, he waited until she calmed down, then took her tiny hands in his larger ones, his kind eyes locked with hers._

" _I'm so sorry that she's gone, Maura. You have every right to be sad," he started, giving her hand a light squeeze. "But we must always look at the bright side, little one. Maybe this wasn't all in vain. Look at it this way: Every town we went to, you helped people and changed lives. It was almost like they were all waiting for you to show up and be their friend. You learned a lot about the world, but more importantly, about yourself. You're not the boring,_ _introvert_ _ed Maura anymore. In fact, you never were. And you know that now."_

 _At that, a little smile crept onto_ _Maura_ _'s soaked face, because Frost was right. This journey had taught her that there was nothing wrong about her. She wasn't an outcast or inadequate as her people made her feel, she was just different. And if Alice's words were to be taken into account, little Maura was also special._

 _Barry smiled back at her as he handed her a handkerchief, then his face turned pensive before he concluded: "Maybe this journey was never about finding the real Alice. Maybe it was all about finding the real you."_

 _Little did either of them know at the time how true his words were and how badly Alice had wished she had the time to say them._

 _Meanwhile, miles and miles away from where our Maura was shedding tears of misery, a small family was celebrating with tears of joy. Their beloved daughter had finally woken up after long months of sleep._

* * *

The hallway instantly resounded with a collective 'Oh...' at the bittersweet ending of the story. A flood of questions soon followed for the turn of events was, apparently, a hard pill to swallow. The kids looked indignant and genuinely sad, as if the fictional character had abandoned them instead.

In a haze, I watched as Jane started to answer, her lips moving but the words unheard. My world had suddenly gone mute, save for the echo of the story that had struck a chord so deep inside my heart. Except that It wasn't just a story. It was years worth of emotional struggle put into simple words with such an effortless ease. It was almost unfair. I had tried for so long to put a name to those feelings, but I've never had much success. It made me wonder how Jane possibly did manage to do just that.

 _She went through that as well, not only you, Dorthea.._. Arizona's voice reminded.

Looking back in time, I realized that I had never thought about it that way before. In my mind, I was all alone in my suffering, for no one could imagine, let alone understand, what I had been going through; the loss was all mine and the others could only sympathize. But my wife wasn't one of the 'others' as I selfishly wrote her off. She was there with me all the way. What was taken from me that night, was taken from her too. And my pain, just like everything that was mine, was also hers. She was the second victim that no one acknowledged as such; that's why she understands.

"Mama!" James's abrupt call pulled me back to reality, just as the realization began to sink in. Feeling confused and slightly off balance, I looked around to find myself standing by the door, no longer hidden in the hallway. Like they had a mind of their own, my legs had moved me right into the spotlight, where every eye in the room was trained on me.

My eyes immediately found Jane, who looked equally nonplused, as if my presence in that room made no sense. We held each other's gaze for a long moment, both imitating a deer caught in the headlights. An awkward silence filled the room before my mother cleared her throat.

"What took you so long, dear?" she asked, her brows furrowed in concern.

"Huh? Yeah... I'm sorry mother. I got held up in the office," I answered distractedly.

"Won't you come in?" she prompted.

Feeling too dazed to move, I made a show of leaning casually against the doorframe, internally grateful for the support. "I think I'll just stand here, for now," I said before shifting my focus back to my wife.

Unlike the composed agent I had encountered three days before, the brunette looked tense and apprehensive, darting nervous glances between me and James as if no longer certain of her welcome in the room. I tried to smile at her in reassurance but couldn't find it within me to pull it off.

"Hello, Jane," I greeted at last.

Jane looked hesitant for a second, but at my discreet nod, she answered, "Hi, Maura."

The minute the name hit the air, the kids' eyes went huge and their murmurs broke. This time, when they turned their attention to me, they weren't just looking, they were staring with great surprise, admiration, and awe. None of them had felt the need to ask if I were _that_ Maura, for the way Jane uttered my name left no room for doubt.

"Wow! She's really pretty, Mommy Jay...and real!" blurted an awestruck Jayden before quickly hiding his face in the crook of her neck.

The faint blush that crept in at the comments only deepened as Jane's eyes lingered on mine for a minute before she looked down at her godson, her laughter barely contained: "Of course she is. Did you think I was bluffing?"

The kid shook his head in response, then peered up at me, his eyes wide with wonder. He kept quiet for a minute, the questions brewing in his head. "Are you really smart, like crazy smart? Do you know answers to every question in the world?"

I worked my mouth uselessly as I shot Jane a pointed look which was dismissed with a shrug. "Well, if by 'crazy smart' you mean a genius then yes I am, but I'm not sure there's anyone in the world who knows—" I said before Jayden interrupted, looking like he was about to burst from excitement.

"Oh! Did you see that, Mommy? She does that thing with her head when she wants to say something super smart, just like Little Maura!" he cried out prompting Jane to throw her head back laughing.

"Yes I did, you little goof. The verb is 'tilt," she offered.

Jayden dutifully nodded, then turned back to me, still grinning from ear to ear. "Are you really a super 'super hero'? Mommy Jay said that Little Maura will grow up to be a super 'super hero.'"

This time, I only blinked at him while my mind and my whole body were still busy thinking about how much I love Jane's laugh.

"What is with the third degree, curious George? Huh?!" asked Jane, ruffling his black hair affectionately. "Yes, she is. Dr. Isles here is a medical examiner just like Auntie Jude, but always cooler and smarter. So she gets a 'super hero' title for being a doctor and another one for being a crime fighter.

"Really? The kids at school think that mama's job is weird," came James's voice small and skeptical, taking me completely by surprise.

"What? No, don't listen to them, MJ! Your mom's job is totally cool. They're just jealous, buddy. Not everyone gets to have a super 'super hero' for a mother, right?" she replied with a wink, turning his frown to a huge beam of pride.

With that, the other kids joined the conversation, gradually losing their shyness. Jane tried to keep up with them but their inquiring minds worked fast and soon the questions started skirting around the sensitive matters. That was always her clue to announce her departure. And just like every end of James's records I listened to, the kids whined about it until Jane promised a new chapter the next day.

* * *

My mother and Jane had exchanged a few words right before the latter took her leave. The exchange was brief and friendly and the way the two women interacted bore no hint of years of estrangement. They didn't look in the slightest like two people who haven't seen each other in years. Making sure the kids were fine by themselves, I asked my mother outside for a few words of our own.

"When was the last time you saw her, Mother?" I asked as soon as we were out of hearing range.

"Why are you asking?" she countered as we stopped a few feet away from the room.

"Well, you agreed on having a coffee together to 'catch up' as she put it, because it's been _awhile_!" I eyed her suspiciously. "Something tells me that she didn't mean six years."

"Four months actually," mother replied with a shrug. "I had a meeting to attend in DC. I contacted her and we had lunch together."

"And that wasn't the first time, was it?" It was a statement she saw no need to confirm. "Why did you never tell me?"

My mother only eyed me in silence as if my question was not worth dignifying with an answer. When I didn't relent she let out a sigh, a bit of an edge to her voice: "Honestly Maura, why would I? As far as I'm concerned, that woman is no longer any of your concern. She hasn't been in years."

The retort cut deeper than it should, but I couldn't find it in myself to be angry at her. Her apology was quick to come but, true to herself, she didn't try to take the words back. "Please forgive my bluntness, sweetheart. It wasn't my intention to hurt you. It's just that seeing her with James today brought so many hidden feelings to the surface. I couldn't help thinking about how different the situation could have been, had different choices been made. It doesn't mean I don't respect your decision, because I do, and that's why I didn't tell you. I've watched you struggle to put that part of your life behind you. I couldn't do that to you. It would have tortured you to know that she's still in my life but not in yours."

"I don't know what to say, mother," I admitted as I leaned on the wall thinking of how unfit the word 'choice' felt to my ears. _Leaving Jane was never a choice,_ I wanted to scream. "I spent years thinking that I had caused a rift between our families, and now."

"That wouldn't be too far from the truth, Maura," she sighed heavily, letting her hand drop. "I hadn't heard from the Rizzoli's in years. Even Jane had stayed unreachable for months. I thought she was too angry and hurt to return my call, but the bouquet of flowers she had sent for my birthday proved otherwise. Since then, we've met a handful of times, called each other on holidays and anniversaries, almost as if nothing had changed. Except that you were no longer the center of our conversations. Never once did she ask about you, and I, for my part, made sure to steer clear of the subject as best I could."

"What a mess!" I groaned with frustration, feeling sick about the havoc Jane was causing without even trying. "She showed up out of the blue, turning my life and this hospital upside down. She's not here to cause trouble, she says!" I chuckled humorlessly. "I hate to think what could've happened if she was. And let me start with that story... for the life of me, I cannot understand why? Why tell her Godson about _me_? It doesn't make any sense."

"Every parent wants to tell their kids about their heroes," was my mother's quiet response.

"What?"

"Those were the exact words she used when I asked her about it the first time," she started, smiling in reminiscence. "Long story short, I once happened to be in her apartment when she had to babysit Jayden. Needless to say how toddlers get when they set their mind on something. The kid made sure all the building knew that 'Lil Mauwa' was the only bedtime story for him. That's how it came up."

The revelation stunned me into silence and my mother saw no need for words as we stood there absentmindedly watching James and his friends. I thought for a minute about joining them. Maybe their company would take my mind off everything. But for some reason, I had stayed glued to the spot.

"She seems different," the words tumbled out of my mouth without permission, my voice sounding strange even to my ears.

"It's been years, Maura. People change," my mother replied needlessly.

"Not in that aspect, mother," I rolled my eyes. "She _feels_ different, like she's—"

"A lifeless version of herself?" she put in and only nodded. "That was the first description that came to my mind when I saw her five years ago. It oddly made me think about the day of your wedding."

"What? How so?"

My mother stayed quiet for a moment before she spoke again, unreadable emotions clouding her eyes as she stared ahead. "If I recall correctly, you said in your vows 'What you and I have lives only in dreams; rarely in reality for it scares even the bravest hearts away. The kind of love we share, the same that makes us whole, could easily ruin us if life ever drove us apart. Today I stand here to take the leap, not brave, nor certain, only madly in love. May the 'before' all be forgotten, may the 'after' all be forgone," she recited perfectly letting out a short, mirthless laugh at the end. "At the time, I thought they were the most dramatic vows I've ever heard. But only when I saw Jane that day, a year after you left, did I understand."

I tried to recall the last time I saw my mother's tears, but I couldn't. As far as I'm concerned, Constance Isles doesn't cry, at least not with an audience. But there she was in the corridor, two drops of moisture racing each other down her face, yet she made no move to sweep them away. She just brought her warm hands to my face and brushed mine instead, then whispered: "Never in my life have I seen a love like the one Jane has for you, sweetheart."

"Neither have I," a voice nearby said before I could utter a single word.

Glancing over my shoulder, I was met with a set of deep dark eyes that, albeit very similar to Adam's and Jayden's, didn't feel familiar in the slightest.

1/2


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi again. Here is a new one. Hope you like it.**

 **Kim, thanks for the smile you put on my face with your message.**

 **To Kik4464: you're the best.**

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2/2

Alice's eyes were deep, fierce, and soulful, lit with an indescribable gleam that leaves one both nervous and enthralled. She had the look of someone you don't want to mess with or get on their wrong side. And for some reason I couldn't fathom, I hoped to never fall from her grace despite knowing that I already had.

My mother kept her back turned while trying to compose herself, leaving me trapped alone under the weight of those piercing eyes. Alice seemed in no hurry to explain her comment or her unexpected presence that had me tongue-tied. It was hard to believe she was the same woman I had left lying lifelessly in that room just a few days before. Her pallor had gone in favor of a healthier hue, and the bruises had faded into mere hints of discoloration. A few scrapes were left here and there, but nothing that could ever mar that handsome face. The incident and two weeks of stillness had taken quite a toll on her body, but the stubborn agent, I gathered, wasn't one to acknowledge weakness let alone succumb to it. The visible tension that surged through her muscles gave her the look of a wild animal trapped in a tiny cage, a 'hurricane' refusing to be tamed.

I felt my mouth curve up faintly but the sight of her arched brow was instantly sobering. The glare she shot me made Jude's icy stare look warm by comparison, and I had to resist the urge to straighten my stance. _No one should look that intimidating, sitting in a wheelchair_. I was in awe of the caliber of women Jane was surrounding herself with these days.

Just as I started to believe that Alice was trying to set me on fire with her eyes, my mother decided to finally join us. It didn't take her that long to look presentable, but in the bubble of tension that had engulfed us, the minutes seemed to stretch out for hours.

"Agent Ward!" my mother greeted gaily, the frown that had plastered over her face at the interruption already gone. "It's nice to see you again."

I watched in wonder as Alice's steely face broke into a genuine smile when she shook the offered hand. "The same here, Mrs. Isles. And it's Morales now; Matt and I got married last summer."

"Oh! Double congratulations in order then," mother grinned cheerfully. "Jane failed to mention that earlier. But to her defense, she was too busy gushing over the baby girl. She's quite taken with her, it seems."

"Thank you," Alice laughed softly. "So I was told. Although I can't imagine she could get any worse than she was with Jayden. I had to fight her to—" her words trailed off abruptly and the smile faltered on her lips. "Wait! You saw Jay?"

"Yes, she came this afternoon with the kids to visit my grandson," my mother answered tentatively. "I'm afraid you've just missed her."

Frantically, Alice darted her head around as if expecting to catch a glimpse of the illusive woman, then winced in pain at the sudden movement. When she spotted her son in James's room, her shoulders slumped in defeat and a smile passed briefly over her features. "Of course," she mumbled under her breath.

"Did she ... um ... look ok?" she asked after a moment of hesitation, sounding as if the words were thorns in her throat.

"Aside from her injured leg and shoulder, I think she looked fine," came my mother's answer in upward inflection, waiting for me to confirm.

Avoiding Alice's eyes, I shrugged noncommittally, wondering what was still feeding her evident concern. Admittedly, Jane didn't look all that well; her face was pale and her limp was more noticeable but I had assumed it was just the case taking its toll.

Alice looked unsatisfied by the answer as she let her gaze drift off the side, already deep in her thoughts. My mother and I exchanged a confused look, each seeking some clarity from the other but finding none. There must be more to this than meets the eye, I surmised, feeling a sense of trepidation starting to creep in.

"So, you must be here looking for Jayden," ventured my mother awkwardly, startling Alice from her stupor.

"Yes, I was, but I didn't know —" the brunette floundered, still rapt in contemplation. "Mind if I borrow your daughter for a little chat?" she asked at last, having taken a long moment to come to a decision.

I wasn't sure what was more alarming then, the request itself, the ambiguous tone in which it was delivered, or the fake sweet smile that was thrown my way at the end. Either way, I strongly doubted it was a chat I would be keen to have. When my mother glanced at me in question, I barely stifled the urge to shake my head negatively, and gave a nod instead.

When I turned my attention back to Alice, I was met with a grim face and an order: "Let's take a walk."

* * *

The walk, as it turned out, didn't involve much walking since our destination was the maternity ward on the same floor. Alice had led us to a small space where the employees sneak out to smoke, having stopped briefly at her room to borrow a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from the bulky man guarding the door.

"You really shouldn't be smoking, Alice," I said quietly as I gazed ahead, pleasantly surprised by the view.

Alice shot me a questioning look, but stayed quiet. I didn't know how it happened, but the name had just slipped from my mouth as if it was the most natural thing to say. I could have blamed the story for it, but something about the woman made me feel like I had known her for years. I watched her as she watched the sunset, her eyes unfocused, not registering the breathtaking sight. She stayed like that for a few minutes then shifted her focus to the cigarette wedged between her fingers.

"I hadn't smoked one of these in ages," she muttered almost to herself as she brought it to her nose and inhaled slowly. "You should take a seat, Doctor. I don't like that I have to look up at you".

Ignoring a hint of disdain I heard in her voice, I settled into one of the plastic chairs in the corner. "So what did you want to talk about?"

At that, Alice chuffed out a humorless laugh and wheeled herself closer. "Hmm, I wonder what would that be! Our sons' blossoming bromance maybe?"

"Please quit being condescending, Agent," I replied sternly, feeling my patience wearing thin. "I appreciate neither your tone nor your attitude."

"Duly noted, Doctor." She relaxed further into her wheelchair, looking completely unfazed. "But here is the thing; this is as far as I can get at being civilized with you. If you were a guy, you would be already on the floor, but luckily for you I don't hit women. Although, there were times when that rule wouldn't have mattered. But not today. Besides, I don't wanna give Jay another reason to kill me. What I'm about to tell you should be enough."

"It's JANE," I mumbled numbly, still taken aback by the admission.

"What?!"

"Her name is Jane with an N at the end."

"What are you — you know what? Never mind," she made a dismissive motion with her hand then went about lighting the cigarette. But instead of bringing it to her lips, Alice balanced it carefully on the railing and It was my turn to look confused.

"I met Jay six years ago," she started softly, her eyes fixed on glowing cinder. "I had been riding a desk since I lost my partner two months prior, and she was this hot-shot the Bureau had been trying to land for awhile but they didn't know what to do with her when they finally had her. So, the sensible thing was for us to partner up. It was supposed to be temporary which was totally fine by me. I mean, the last thing I wanted was to get stuck with a covergirl who probably slept her way up the ranks," she snorted rolling her eyes. "You know what they say about assuming."

"Anyhow, from day one I had learned two things about the new girl: first, she was an even better cop than the boss made her out to be. And second, she was as friendly and interactive as a wall of bricks. No shop-talking outside the case, no going out for drinks after hours, no jokes, no fun; all business through and through. I didn't even know the woman could smile until the day Jayden was born."

She paused taking a cleansing breath, then continued: "So you can imagine my shock when four months later, I found myself at an OBGYN office with her sitting right next to me. I don't know exactly how that happened. I remember me freaking out about getting knocked up by a one-night-stand, then her taking me aside asking if I had anyone to call. But of course I had no one; no serious boyfriend, no close friends, and the only family was a half-brother I hadn't seen in years. So the next thing I knew, I had myself a pregnancy partner and she was surprisingly great at it. She's been there for me in every way possible; been to every appointment, monitored my diet, gone out in the middle of the night for my weird-ass cravings, slept on my couch more often than not. She said it's what partners do." A smile crept in at the memory. "But somehow she managed to stay as detached and distant as ever. To some extent, I think she still is, except if your name is Jayden or Bass."

She gave a little chuckle at that and I found myself smiling despite the ache that wrenched my heart. While I had struggled alone with my pregnancy, my wife had been taking care of a complete stranger. The irony was impossible to miss, and I couldn't help feeling like life was 'flipping me the bird.'

When Alice started talking again, her face was solemn and her voice devoid of any trace of levity. "One day she didn't show up to work and wasn't answering my calls so I took her address from HR and went over to check on her—"

* * *

"— the sounds she was making. I can still hear them in my head like it was yesterday. They were so awful I felt sick," Alice said, looking as if she might vomit again. "But the smell of the room told me that I wasn't the first one to throw up there. She was a mess sitting in the middle of a mess. The living room was totally trashed, but to me Jay was the only broken thing in that room. I didn't know what do then. I mean, if a whole bottle of Jack Daniels couldn't numb her pain what could?—"

By then, the words had ceased to reach my consciousness, for all my thoughts were plagued by the images she had just described; Jane sitting in the middle of that dark room, hugging her knees to her chest, her eyes vacant and unresponsive as if she was no longer alive. The description was so vivid, I could almost see her when she started crying without tears and hear the awful sobs that made her partner sick.

The events of that day (our third anniversary, Alice learned later) was what prompted her to track me down. She had found out everything about my life except the one thing that could explain what she had witnessed. And it surprised me to hear that, after all these years, she still doesn't know what happened.

The small space suddenly fell quiet, bringing an end to my trance. Blinking the fog away, I looked at Alice to find her already watching me, her eyes full of questions. She waited for a few moments for me to fill in the blanks, but I had no wish to recount the incident or explain why it never made it to the records. If Jane had wanted her to know, she would have told her herself. With a heavy sigh, Alice nodded, not liking my answer but respecting it nonetheless.

"It took me awhile to understand why she didn't even look at the file." She resumed the story, sounding hesitant about what she was about to reveal. "I had discovered, two years later, that since the day I told her you were in Seattle, she had spent at least one weekend every month here. I think she was afraid she wouldn't be able to stop herself from showing up at your door if she ever knew your address."

"Anyway, after that day, I kept a close eye on her. I had already lost one partner to the bottle and I was afraid Jay would drift down that road too. But thank God she didn't. I don't think she has touched alcohol since that day, and she didn't show any signs of the usual outlets either; you know ... drugs, sex, gambling. But sometimes she would show up with a bruised face, or a slight limp ... nothing too serious so I didn't make a big deal of it. It wasn't until I got a call from the hospital that I found out about her singular way to deal with the pain; she runs." She gave a mirthless chuckle, her eyes bright with moist sentiment. "She literally runs from it. We still don't know what triggers the 'episodes,' but when it happens she just runs and runs until she collapses, more often then not ending up in the hospital. It's like turning the emotional pain into physical pain is the only way she can cope with it. Dr. Morales, the man who found her unconscious that day and brought her to the hospital, happened to be a psychiatrist and was the one to figure out that something was wrong. When it turned out that it wasn't the first time she had been hospitalized for physical exhaustion, he insisted she go to therapy. And that's how it all started."

"There's more to this than I care to tell you ... so many more details that I wish I could just forget. It's been going on for years now. She disappears for days at times, only to show up looking like she had been in a huge fight where she always loses. Each time, I swore I couldn't hate you anymore than I already did, but then it happens again and she comes back emptier and more distant than before and I just lose it. My husband had stopped me before from coming to Seattle to talk to you, but now that he's not here, I'm done standing aside just watching her running herself to her grave. You're a doctor and you know what physical exhaustion can do to the heart long-term." Her voice cracked a little as she went on. "She might not be the easiest person to deal with. She can be cold and standoffish and a royal pain in the ass sometimes. But you know what? She's the best damn person I know. She helped with the kid... fixed things between me and my brother...she was the reason Mathias and I got together. I can go on and on until I got no voice left, but my point is: I owe that woman everything and it's about time to return the favor."

On that note, she fell quiet leaving my head swimming in a sea of questions and confusion. Alice had yet to reveal the reason why she told all that, and I doubted that all she was aiming to achieve was burdening my already tortured conscience. I waited for her to say more, but all she did for minutes was stare intensely at something on the floor.

"Look at that." She gestured at what remained of the cigarette she lit earlier. "I lit it and forgot about it, and it just kept burning out in vain. Sad, right? That's exactly what you've done to your wife, Doctor. "

She dug out a new cigarette and put it on my palm. "This is Jane with an N at the end," she said mockingly. And then she pointed to the butt on the floor. "And that's Jay. You broke it, you fix it."

Without waiting for a reply, she headed immediately to the exit.

"How?" I called after her, my voice muffled with desperation and a huge lump growing in my throat.

Alice stopped halfway and lifted her shoulders in resignation. "Hell if I know!"

* * *

The night had fallen and the temperature had dropped but I was so numb that I barely noticed. Alice's last words still hung in the air along with the the cigarette odor. The combination was suffocating but I couldn't bring myself to leave. I needed the isolation then as much I needed to breath.

" _I don't know what to make of you, Maura,_ " Alice had said as she slid the door open, and for once, she was the one avoiding my eyes. " _I really don't like you, but sometimes I listen to her telling my son all the stories about you and I can't help wondering how she could keep on loving someone who ruined her life. There must be something there, right? Now I can see that you still love her too which makes me even sadder. I don't know what went down between you two, but I do know that it left her with a really deep wound, and it's been open for too long. It's killing her, so please stitch the wound, Doc._ "

I cried then like I haven't done in years. I wept for myself, and for Jane, and for all the years we lost to the cruelty of life. I cried from pain and helplessness, having no idea how to honor Alice's wish. I didn't know how to help. How could the illness be the cure?! I kept asking myself.

 _I need to talk about it, and if you ask me, you need it too..._ That's what Jane had said.

My hands instantly reached for my cell phone, but for a moment I hesitated. Not out of fear or cowardice, this time. I just wasn't sure I could handle hearing her voice just yet. So instead of calling, I texted her: **I'm ready**. And to my surprise, it didn't feel like a lie.

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 **thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a review. Not to sound cliche or anything but your opinion matters :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm so sorry for the delay, I really am.**

 **I hope you enjoy the chapter.**

 **kik4464: thank you.**

 **N.A:** **This chapter describes in detail a violent scene that lead to a past rape. Please read with caution or do not read if you are triggered by such accounts.**

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There was a time when silence between us was a language of love; we spoke so fluently that we rarely felt a need to use words. On that secluded park bench, however, silence had turned its back on us, and neither seemed to remember when it had ever been a welcome guest. The bond we had forged over the years had not come through the separation unscathed. Each quiet moment was a painful reminder of how much things had changed. As agonizing as the anticipation had been, nothing was more torturous than those silent minutes that had followed Jane's arrival.

She sat down on the other end of the bench, having forgone a verbal greeting for a tight smile. Her dark eyes lingered on mine for a second before moving to trail the passersby while she waited for me to speak. The darkness underneath them betrayed a sleepless night, but the jaded look inside revealed much more than that. Her posture was slumped in defeat or maybe just exhaustion, and all of a sudden she looked as if she had aged a decade overnight. The Jane sitting next to me bore no resemblance to her old self, to the stoic agent I had met in that waiting room, or to the person Alice had described. Dropping all the pretense, she was just a lonely woman who wore her sadness like a second skin.

Swallowing around the sudden tightness in my throat, I tore my eyes away to take in the expanse of the green lying ahead. I've always liked the park in the early mornings and I couldn't think of a more suitable place to have this talk. If Jane found it odd, she made no comment and I, fearing her pity, didn't dare to explain. The hours I had spent on that bench were uncountable, as were the tears I had shed there mourning her loss. Sometimes, when the pain became unbearable, I would indulge my imagination and picture her there by my side – listening, comforting, and offering the forgiveness I was yearning for. It was a fantasy I never thought would come true, and now that it had, I was at a loss how to proceed.

"I don't know how to do this," my words spilled out quietly, barely disturbing the dull flow of noises floating from afar.

"That's OK Maura," replied Jane in an instant, her tone neutral, yet kind, and I hated how much it reminded me of my therapist. "There is no manual to guide you through situations like this, but if it helps you, pretend that I'm just a stranger you met at the park; you pour your heart out to them and never worry about seeing them again."

An abrupt snort slipped out before I could stifle it. I couldn't tell if Jane was intentionally obtuse or just too blind to actually see it. There was no need to pretend. We felt as we looked at that moment: two miserable strangers who just happened to share the same wooden bench.

Mistaking my bitterness for disbelief, Jane bent her head down then said: "I'm sorry if my actions in the last few days sent the wrong message. I'm not here to worm my way back into your life; not if you don't want me to. I just...didn't realize how tired I am until I saw you again. I'm so tired of running from it...so sick of living like this. I need to know, Maura, maybe I could move on...have some semblance of life, I guess..." She shrugged lightly as she looked back at me. "After we're done here just say the word and I'll never bother you again."

My heart gave a painful twist at the sincerity in her words, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek not to blurt the first thing that came to mind. _You can't afford to lose her again_ screamed everything within me and suddenly I was filled with an overwhelming urge to cling to her as if she might disappear right at that moment. For a second, I feared I might give in to the impulse had it not been for the distance separating us.

Confused by my visceral reaction, I bobbed my head several times in response, but vaguely registered the meaning behind the nods. My mind was reeling over the promise Jane had easily made, looking for the relief it was supposed to bring but finding none. There was only pain mingled with an acute sense of betrayal. The feeling was absurd, confounding, yet utterly real as if Jane had just reneged on some sort of unspoken pact between us; a pact to hold onto the past.

It stunned me then to find how much solace I had taken in the fact that she has yet to move on and in that rare moment of clarity, I realized that I had never wanted her to. All the talk about wishing otherwise was a load of lies I had told myself over and over to pacify my guilty conscience. In reality, I've never wanted to sever the only thread that still connected us, even if it was pain and suffering. It was selfish and bordering on cruel, but I couldn't help it just as I couldn't help the panic rising inside at the thought of this talk that was obviously set to help us move forward.

 _Who would I be if the past were to no longer define me? What would I do without the constant ache in my chest to remind me that I'm still alive?_ For a brief moment I entertained the notion of calling the whole thing off and just leaving, but I knew that I couldn't walk away from her again.

As if my thoughts were written all over my face, Jane's eyes reflected them, a veneer of sympathy coating her dull stare, "Hey, take your time. It's OK—" she started.

"No! It's not!" I snapped at her, angrily brushing away an errant tear. The concern lacing her voice was oddly irksome, grating on my last nerve. "None of this is OK! And you and your patronizing attitude are not helping. Why are so calm about it? Why aren't you angry... mad... like a damned normal person ought to be?"

The hand that stretched out to touch my shoulder froze, and so did the surprise on its owner's face. Mine must have matched the expression as the unexpected outburst took me aback as well. The inexplicable anger had once again gained ground on my good sense and suddenly, it felt like we had traveled back in time and picked up right where we had left off six years ago. Almost the same words had slipped out of my mouth that day, and the same deafening silence had answered back. The look in those dark eyes wasn't quite the same but was still enough to break my heart all over again.

Schooling her features back into impassivity, Jane cowered further away from me, her hands clasped tightly in her lap. She looked so small, so vulnerable that I started wondering if Alice had been sugarcoating the truth the day before.

"Would it be easier for you if I blew a gasket?!" she asked quietly, with a sterile tone. The question didn't sound as rhetorical as it should, but still garnered no response. "You have no idea what you're talking about Maura, so don't you dare judge me. Yes, I'm not shouting, I'm not crying, but it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt; that it doesn't still. I thought a scalpel through the hand is as far as the pain could go, but God... I'll take that any day over what I felt that morning waking up to an empty house and a freaking note. No amount of rage or tears could ever express that."

The words faded momentarily into an extremely loaded silence, leaving the implication to resound loudly between us. _You are worst than Hoyt,_ I heard over and over, my stomach churning painfully at the mere thought. I pressed my hand to my mouth to stifle a rising sob, having already lost my battle against the tears.

Jane quickly averted her eyes from mine. Something akin to guilt flushed across her face as she tacked on: " All I want is answers. So let's not make this ugly by cutting into each other's flesh."

"Ok...ok ... I'm sorry," I managed at last. The apology sounded trite even to my ears but I didn't know what else to say. "What do you want to know, Jane?"

"Everything."

* * *

 _It was the end of a very long day, of a very long week, and tired didn't come close to describing the way I felt as I signed my last report. Winter has always been a busy season, turning Boston's roads more lethal, yet failing to deter its citizens from killing each other. Needless to say, we were so snowed under with work that I couldn't remember the last time I went home at a reasonable hour._

 _Waiting for the car to heat up, I allowed myself a moment to envy my wife who had left the precinct a few hours earlier, promising a home cooked meal and a quiet evening. The thought of a comfortably clad, barefoot Jane wreaking havoc in the kitchen, turned the sentiment into a wave of warmth that quickly filled my chest. There was something about coming home to her that almost made me giddy. With that mental image in mind, I drove home, completely unaware of what that night had in store for me._

 _Too impatient to endure Friday evening traffic, I opted for a shortcut instead of the usual route. The drive went smoothly until a sound of screaming came out of nowhere, prompting me to pull over. The street looked deserted and eerily quiet, only the echo of the screams could be heard above the howl of the wind. Reaching for my cellphone, I immediately called 911 before stepping out of the car. The thought of calling Jane occurred to me next but I immediately dismissed it along with the dispatcher's advice for me to stay put. My brain yelled at me repeatedly to listen, but as if something was pushing me forward, I couldn't stop. The further I went down that empty street, the more certain I became that I couldn't go back even if I wanted to; the desperation in that voice had already sealed my fate._

 _The alleyway was obscure, narrow, reeking of stale urine and rotting garbage. The moonless night had swallowed the most of it as the only source of light was a lone street lamp standing at the far end, fighting a losing battle with the darkness. In its dim glow I saw them; two shapeless figures tangled together in an odd embrace. If it weren't for the muffled cries I heard as I trod closer, I would have thought that I had walked in on an extremely intimate moment between two lovers._

 _The petite figure was a young woman whose face was smeared in tears and mud. One large hand covered her mouth while another clenched at her waist, holding her in a vice like grip. Her tiny frame was trembling from cold as much as fear as the only garment she had on was a little short dress, riding up dangerously high on her thighs while she struggled to escape. Her shoe-less feet were wildly kicking the air, her strength gradually fading with every kick. Oddly, the tall figure of the captor remained shadowy and dark, even though I had seen him more than once that night. Having come up short each time I had tried, I had long given up on recalling his dreadful face. In my memories and nightmares, he was always a featureless monster, molded out of darkness and fear._

 _Hiding behind the huge garbage cans, I watched helplessly as the whole thing unfolded, but soon enough the feeling turned into panic as he finally managed to subdue the girl and went about dragging her towards a waiting car. The sirens I was desperately hoping to hear never came and I was left on my own, clueless as to what to do next. Suddenly, a strong voice rang out through the dark space, shouting at him to stop and let the girl go. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was the person who spoke out, and that the heavy, quick footfalls thumping the ground were mine. I was half hobbling, half running like a mad woman in my high heeled boots._

 _My sudden presence took him aback so much that he froze on the spot, his grip loosening enough for the frightened girl to break free. The shaking limbs could only go so far before he launched at her again, having recovered quickly from his shock. What he hadn't anticipated this time, however, was to find me in his way._

 _The next thing I knew, the roles were reversed and the young girl was now staring at me, a few feet away from where I struggled to get away from him. She didn't want to leave me alone. I knew that with the same certainty I knew that It was only a matter of seconds before she gave in to her instincts. I could see it in her eyes as they pleaded with me, begging for forgiveness with each shaky step she took backwards._

 _At some point she stopped her retreat, and I felt his body bracing itself to lunge again. His mind was apparently set on having her anyway, even if it meant taking us both. He was strong and ruthless enough to do it, but I wasn't about to let him. Gathering what remained of my strength, I pushed back against him, no longer trying to save myself. It was the moment I realized that there was no getting out of it, but at least the young girl would be spared. The last thing I remember before every thing went black, was my screaming at her to run._

* * *

"— when I think about the choices I could have made differently, all that comes to mind is the moment I had decided to step out of the car. Everything that happened from that point to the day I ran away, was merely a reaction. It might sound like a lame excuse, but I truly believe that I had lost control over my life right at that moment... I should've stayed and waited for help. I'm so sorry, that I didn't. But... what can I say, I had chosen the worst time to be a hero!" A cynical chuckle escaped, along with a few more tears.

Jane handed me a small pack of tissues but said nothing. Her profile was hard, unreadable, revealing none of what was swirling through her mind. She hadn't looked at me once since I had started talking, her eyes trained on the ground with such intensity, I doubted anything green would ever grow on the spot.

Drawing in a shaky breath, I continued wondering how much of this either of us could take. "Things started to get blurry after that. I think he took me into the woods, although I have no recollection of the trip. I remember feeling cold, really cold. The kind of cold I've always imagined people feeling right before they die. I even thought I was dead at some point as I couldn't move or speak or even open my eyes. But then I heard him pacing. He was so angry because his plans were ruined and he took it out on me. He hit me more times than I could count, falling into a fit of shouting and swearing after each time. It went on like that for what felt like hours before he calmed down. I remember feeling terrified by his silence then … more than his raving because I really believed he was going to kill me. Given what he had done next, I wished he had. A few minutes later, I felt him hover over me pinning my body with his... then starting to rip my clothes off. I can still hear the sound of the fabric being torn, of the button hitting a hard surface. And...and all I could think about then was how much you loved the shirt I had worn that day—"

"It wasn't the woods," Jane cut me off gently, clearly wishing to be spared the details that no one had heard before.

"What?"

"He didn't take you into the woods. That's not where I found you," she clarified.

"I don't understand. I've always thought..." I muttered.

"You always had this phobia about the woods, so I guess your fears kinda ganged up on you? It happens," she tried to clear my confusion but with little success. _What else was I wrong about_? _What really happened there?_ More questions started hounding me, the familiar headache not too far behind.

"How did you find me?" I asked, turning to face her.

Jane let out a long, drawn-out sigh, her features darkening in remembrance. "The unit that had responded to your call was Frankie's, so he immediately called me after he failed to reach you. I was first to the scene but you were already gone. There was no clue as to what happened there or where the hell you were. Your car was parked halfway down the street, empty and untouched. Everything was still inside, your purse, you briefcase, the cash in the glove box, but not your cellphone... So I called Frost hoping that you still had it on you. We tracked your signal to the M. Street beach where we found you two hours later in one of the beach houses. Only two hours, but it was already too late." _I'm sorry_ at the end remained unsaid but not unheard.

There was so much self loathing in her last words, it almost distracted me from the rest of the recounting. The trip to the hospital wasn't an experience I was keen to remember. From the humiliation and the pain of the rape kit to the looks of pity thrown my way at every turn, it felt almost like a continuation of the nightmare. All I had wanted then was to go home and wash off all traces of him from my body, from my memory. I needed to clean myself from the inside out until the feeling of dirtiness left me. Jane had granted me my wish without a question, going against everything she had learned as an officer of the law.

"It wasn't your fault, you know," I murmured after a minute of silence. "No matter what I said that day, please believe that I had never blamed you for it."

A tiny smile played on her lips as she gave me a brief glance. "I know, but that doesn't change the way I feel. You have no idea how it feels to protect people for a living and then fail to protect the person who matters the most."

I opened my mouth to reply but nothing came out. She was right, I could never relate. As a wife and a mother, I'm familiar with this constant need to protect those whom you hold dearest to your heart. But for Jane, it's more than a need; it's who she is. As a cop, she has this unshakable belief that everybody's safety falls on her shoulders.

"Why did you refuse to press charges?" asked Jane tentatively after an even longer pause.

"I'm a coward, that's why," I admitted. "I've always admired the victims who come out and speak up… But when it happened to me, I couldn't be as brave. I couldn't do it. Rape always left a stain of shame on the victim and people don't forget. I didn't want to see it in their eyes every time they looked at me. It was bad enough that it would be forever engraved in my memory."

"I wouldn't call it cowardice, and I totally get it," she offered.

"You do?"

"Yeah. Kinda like the mirror and the ugly mug," she said before she went on to explain. "You see this ugly face in a mirror. You wanna get rid of it so you shatter the mirror only to end up with hundreds of that hideous sight. I think that's what happens when you share things like that with people. They never let you forget."

She was about to add something but stopped as her cellphone came to life. Cursing softly at the interruption, she fetched the device from her pocket then immediately turned it off. I knew who it was even before I caught a glimpse of the smiling face on the screen. The ringtone was still the same.

"I'm sorry about that," Jane mumbled weakly. "It's way too early to deal with her."

"It's always too early to deal with Angela Rizzoli," I quipped, smiling at the thought of the Italian matriarch.

"True. Some people never change. Who calls people at this hour?!" she laughed lightly into her hands as she rubbed the exhaustion from her face. "So... Tell me about the month you stayed afterwards. And what made you leave?"

The quick change in subject startled me as much as the question itself did, although I had anticipated it all along. I took my time to answer, reflecting back to some of the darkest days in my life. A flood of memories washed over me with a crushing force, it almost knocked the air out of my lungs. Like it was only yesterday, I could see us in the aftermath; eyes that rarely met, rarely dried, lips that moved only to muffle a sob or force a smile, hands that were clenched with anger and pain, no longer daring to touch... It had been hell for both of us even before the innocent life growing inside of me made itself known.

"I didn't want to leave but I couldn't stay either because the pull was way stronger than my will," I heard myself say softly. A faint smile crept onto my lips as Jane's eyes widened slightly in recognition. "I don't know how you managed, but I think you understand this better than I ever did!"

Jane regarded me for a long moment before she nodded her understanding. The conversation tapered off after that as she returned to watching the passersby. From the corner of my eye, I noticed her rub the scar on her right hand, and I quickly turned away before I reached for it. A second later, the said hand was laid on my lap without as much as an explanation.

"You really don't hate me! Why? I don't understand," I voiced in bafflement as I began to massage the scarred palm.

"I've never thought it was an option," she offered simply, letting out a soft sigh of relief. "I hate what happened to us and what it reduced me to. I hate that I couldn't function without you, that some days my need for you brings me literally to my knees. I hate that somehow I could feel your need for me and still could not do anything about it. I hate when I go to the grocery store and end up with a cart full of organic crap. I hate that my hand still reaches for you every single morning without fail. I hate the disappointment I feel each time… I hate a lot of things that revolve around you... but never you. Like I said, it never was an option."

Her words stunned me into silence until I heard her voice again: "Do you still hate me?"

"What?! No... I mean I've never—" I started to object.

"Oh, you did, honey." She smiled at me as if I were a little child who doesn't know any better. "Maybe 'hate' isn't the right word for it, but I could see the resentment and anger every single day during the month you stayed. Did you ever ask yourself why you feel like biting my head off every time you see me? You can't explain it, can you?"

I narrow my eyes at her, not liking the tone. "And you can?"

"As a matter of fact yes. Simply because I had felt it before. Of all people, I should have seen it, but I didn't until it was once again too late." She shook her head in contrition. "I'm your Korsak."

* * *

I had never thought before about the parallel between my incident and Jane's first run-in with Hoyt, mostly because I never knew what really happened in that basement. Almost no one ever did. She hadn't been raped that day, she assured me, but was so close, too close for it not to cause permanent damage. She didn't fall pregnant with his child, but she bore scars on her hands that will always remind her of him. She didn't run away from her home afterwards, but she had turned her back on her partner, her rescuer... like I did.

"So you didn't request a new partner because Vince had seen you in such a state of weakness that you feared he would never trust you to have his back?" I asked trying to follow the logic in her theory.

"A part of me really believed that, but that wasn't it. I kept having this nightmares where Korsak was Hoyt and was the one doing the torturing. And sometimes, even when I was awake, I would look at him and all I could see was Hoyt's face. It was so hard to deal with him anymore, it scared me... I thought I was losing it. It took months of therapy for me to understand that it was the way my brain was processing what happened, and that it was normal for me to associate Korsak with Hoyt and even mistake one for the other, hence the confusing feelings of hatred and the anger I had towards Korsak." She paused briefly, locking her eyes with mine. "I know you can relate to that. So I was your Korsak, but you didn't have the luxury of requesting a new partner. It must have been hell for you, wasn't it? No wonder you had to run away. I still can't believe I didn't see it coming."

I stared at her with mouth hung open, feeling my head spinning around. It was a lot to take in but deep down I knew it made sense. "Did it go away? The feeling?" I asked quietly, almost too afraid to hear the answer.

"Yeah... I mean it took a long time but it did eventually," she assured. "You helped a lot, actually. I don't think I could have made it without you. You kinda saved me... I wish I could have had the chance to return the favor."

I felt the sorrow in her voice like a physical pain, and I wondered if there is anything she would say that wouldn't make my heart crack a little every time. "Jane, I'm—"

"Hey, I don't blame you. I really don't. We were two drowning people trying to save each other but only managing to make it worse. How could I fault you for saving yourself? It was the smartest thing to do... and maybe the only thing to do. I don't know."

I stilled my movement, debating whether or not to ask. "What about you?"

Jane seemed surprised by the question and took a long time to come up with an answer. "I wasn't that good of a swimmer, I guess," she said with a little shrug. The smile she offered only added a layer of melancholy to her haggard appearance. "I'm fine, Maura... considering what happened, I really am. I mean, my marriage had failed, my partner died... that wouldn't pass without leaving scars, right?"

"Oh, I'm sorry for your loss. I didn't know you were close!" I said, slightly confused. From what I gathered, Jane couldn't care less about Agent Donovan.

The brunette turned sharply to look at me, a frown plastered over her features. "How could you not know that! Frost was like a little brother to me."

* * *

 _"We lost him to a drunk driver a few weeks after you left. He was pronounced dead at the scene. There wasn't much to do."_

That was all that reached me through the shock. The rest of the details fell on deaf ears, as did Jane's apology about inadvertently delivering the news in such a callous manner. She thought I knew about Barry as she always believed that I had maintained some level of contact with Boston. But I hadn't.

"He was too young," I mumbled against her chest once my sobs dissipated.

I don't remember how I ended up in her arms, but I was immensely grateful for it. The sound of her heartbeat against my ear was so comforting as images of Barry kept replaying in my mind; his handsome face, his kind eyes, his bright smile. He was such a kindred soul, too good, too beautiful to die.

Jane only hummed in response as she stared ahead. She had six years to grieve him, but didn't look like she had gotten over his death yet. The pain in her dull eyes was too raw, too profound to assume otherwise. He was another person she loved and couldn't save... another loss she has yet to make her peace with.

"He loved you, you know," the raspy voice pulled me out of the reverie. "You were his friend too. When you left, he was the first one to start looking. He did his damndest to track you down, didn't leave a stone unturned. I remember a day when he dragged me into an interrogation room, fed up with my bullshit. He never understood why I wasn't tearing the city down looking for you. He started yelling at me for giving up, for letting you go. At some point he stopped and just just stared at me. Whatever he saw then made him hug me so tight I couldn't breathe. It was the first time he did something like that. If I had known it would be the last time, I would have hugged him back," she trailed off as her eyes clouded in reminiscence. 'It's OK to cry, Jane' he said into my ears. I didn't cry then but he did... it was also the first time I had seen him cry. The next thing I knew, they took my guns and forced me to take a leave. I knew he was behind it. He was worried. I wish I had told him how much it meant to me...how much he meant to me."

'what ifs' and 'if onlys' seemed to have swallowed Jane and I couldn't help but dwell in. Silence ensued again until her deep sigh hit the air in synchrony with mine. a titter in unison soon followed. I wasn't sure what we were giggling about but it didn't matter. It felt nice to have some levity to ward off the heaviness in our chests, if only for few minutes. "I'm almost too afraid to ask about the rest of the family. Please tell me they're alright."

"They're fine, I guess. The last time I checked they were still alive," she answered quickly, a hint of mirth lightning her voice. "Ma and Korsak are happily married... to each other! And before you ask, I don't know what happened to Ron or Kiki. I didn't even know they were dating until they called to invite me to the wedding. Tommy and Lydia had a second child together but still had yet to tie the knot. So you now have a three year old niece named JJ (Jane junior). And Frankie finally made detective. No wife either but he has a steady girlfriend the last I heard. Pop is now cancer free, but no such a luck with financial trouble, I'm afraid."

The news had warmed my heart beyond words, but some part of me felt stunned at how much everyone's life had changed. It was the same part that, irrationally, vainly, believed that people's lives cease to move the minute you walk out of it. Shaking my head at the ridiculous notion, I went to ask if Jane had pictures of Tommy's girl, but I was quickly cut off. "Oh, I totally forgot the pets. Joe Friday finally found her real owners, thanks to Korsak. It turned out her name is actually Addie, though I still call her Joe when we Skype. And poor Bass is still stuck with me, waiting to be rescued," she said with a little chuckle. "I'm curious though: Why didn't you take him with you?"

"I couldn't... It didn't feel right to take anything," I replied softly, feeling the suffocating weight return.

Jane stayed quite for a minute before she responded. "Well, that's funny. To me, it felt like you took everything."

Before I could mull over the words, a muffled chiming interrupted. This time it was a disposable phone that Jane discreetly checked before putting back inside her jacket. The air around us shifted noticeably as I felt the body against mine turn stiff. Withdrawing from the embrace, I turned to look at the brunette, but she was adamant on avoiding my questioning gaze.

"I'm sorry to cut this short, but I have to go," she muttered ruefully as she went to stand.

At that, the desperation I had felt earlier returned with a vengeance and there was no holding it back. Reaching for her wrist, I stopped her mid motion, bringing her eyes to meet mine at last. I stayed quiet for a long moment, gazing at her, looking for something I couldn't place, revealing feelings I couldn't voice, until the beautiful features were blurred by tears. "I… I'm sorry I broke your heart, Jane," I whispered thickly.

The lines in my wife's face softened into a sad smile as she brought a hand to my cheek. "And I'm sorry life broke yours sweetheart. But you know what? You should really stop feeling guilty about it because it doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done. We can't change or take it back. You should look at what you have now; a job you love, friends you can depend on, a beautiful family you made with James. That's more than most people have, and they didn't even go through half of what you did. All the odds were against you but you still made it." A

slender finger moved under my chin and lifted it. "So, chin up, Isles. You should be proud."

To anyone looking, we must have looked like we were about to kiss. We were so close to each other that I thought we might. Unfortunately, Jane pulled back before I could erase the few inches separating our lips.

"I know I had made a promise earlier, but could we do it again? Talk some more?" she asked hopefully as she finally managed to get up.

"Tomorrow!" I blurted out, no bothering to disguise my eagerness.

Jane's face broke into a huge grin and I couldn't help but notice how out of practice her facial muscles looked. "Good. You have my number, give me a call. And please let the next time be at a reasonable hour. Early mornings still suck," she teased as she turned to leave.

With a smile to match, I watched her retreating figure until it disappeared into the crowd. I was wrong all along...pain wasn't all that still connected us... there was love.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think.**


	11. Chapter 11

**I'm so so sorry for the delay, I've been so busy lately. Woukd you forgive me if you knew it's my birthday?**

 **anyhow, I'm going to answer some of your questions here:**

 **-sunshine: I sorry that it takes forever to update. Aside from the obvious reasons, my life is a kind if a mess right now, so...**

 **-paladin: I neither condemn nor condone Maura's reaction to the incident. Sometimes the characters make choices that dont make sense to some of us (me included), but we should remember that when it comes to human behavior, logic doesnt always apply. Also, you might have noticed that Maura here is slightly different from the original character, which means she might behave, say or do things that the original Maura wouldn't. As for Jane, I dont recall writing anything about the way she dealt with the incident, but know that I would never dream to let the assailant go unpunished. You just have to wait until it's the time for that information to be revealed. And lastly, I appreciate your suggestion to save the plot and had I not already had another scenario in my head, I would have taken the suggestion into consideration.**

 **Carling: Maura may come off as cold hearted, but she's a very complex character. She doesn't know how to deal with her emotions which might result in discarding them altogether. not mention that she's is the narrator, meaning that we know probably too much about her and her thoughts, compared to the other characters.**

 **kimbas13: your PM made me happy, as always. I'm sorry for not posting this sooner.**

 **Kik4464: thank you.**

 **for Baden and his friends :)**

* * *

There are moments in life when you have to slow the pace and look behind you to the starting point. Whether to mark a milestone along the journey or merely a random event, you often find yourself reflecting back to where it started. You may stand proud then or hang your head in shame, you may feel grateful or bite your fingers with regret. You may experience a myriad of feelings among which longing always stands out. Because no matter how difficult or challenging they may have been, we always long for the beginnings.

Relating what had transpired the day before was like reliving it but with less emotion and more clarity. The minute details emerged in my awareness as I spoke, finding an echo of familiarity that I hadn't anticipated. Something about the encounter had deeply stirred my memory, urging the past to rush back like an unexpected tidal wave. This time, however, the recollections had steered away from the years of hardship to sail into much simpler and happier times. Although I could never have imagined a day when I would describe the dawning of our story as simple or happy.

In retrospect, Jane's persistent knocking on my door in the middle of that night had the same startling effect as her sudden reappearance in my life now. The confrontation that had occurred later didn't feel any less intense than the one we had just had. While the circumstances differed greatly, the flow of events was still similar, evoking the question that would rob me of sleep for nights to come. _Will our 'talk' have the same fateful impact on our lives as it did all these years ago?_

Before that thought could consume me wholly, a gentle voice cut through the haze, pulling me back to the present. "Hey, are you OK?"

Blinking groggily, I peered at the woman sitting across from me. Too rapt in remembrance, I hadn't noticed when my words fell quiet or for how long Arizona had been looking at me with that amused, slightly concerned look.

"Yeah. Sorry about that. Where was I?" I offered once the fog of the memory cleared away.

"I don't know, but certainly not here as it seems to happen a lot lately," Arizona answered teasingly, the edge of her lips faintly spreading upwards. The grin however didn't last long as a somber look replaced it. "I was saying that I'm sorry about your friend. It sounds like he was a good guy."

Her hand reached to cover mine, her blue eyes softening upon noticing the pained smile I gave in return. Frost may have been buried for years now, but to me his death was still too fresh and the wound it left in my heart wouldn't stop weeping. Arizona seemed to understand, letting the silence endure for few moments before she asked: "How did you and Jane get together, anyway? How was your marriage? I still know almost nothing about it."

My head shot up in surprise, the cup of lukewarm coffee in my hands no longer held my attention. "Why are you asking?" I countered.

"I'm just trying to understand" she answered simply, one elegant shoulder lifted in a shrug. "What you've just told me is wonderful and all and I'm truly happy for you, but I still don't get it. After all you've... I mean... all that had happened, it's all forgiven just like that?! You didn't even have to grovel for it!?" She sounded genuinely puzzled despite the playfulness in her tone.

Uncertain of what to make of the slight sting of disappointment I felt, I smiled if only for my friend's sake. "Grovel?! Really! It's not like I had forgotten her birthday or ruined her favorite shirt in the washer. Furthermore, I don't remember ever mentioning the word 'forgiveness'. We just talked. We are not back together." The remark earned me an eye roll while the expectant stare remained unwavering until I relented. "There wasn't anything overly romantic about it, really. An engagement ring served as a wake up call. And that was it."

"I didn't know you were engaged before— Wait! She was?" Her slight frown soon dissolved into giggles as she exclaimed: "Oh my God! You landed a bride to be?! You are officially my hero. How did that happen?"

"She wasn't engaged, not officially. She never said yes," I clarified, self-consciously aware of the attention her airy laughter had drawn. "The night her boyfriend had proposed, she showed up on my doorstep. It was way too late for a friendly visit and the look on her face said that much. She looked... lost, shaken. I don't really know how to describe it, but it scared me; I thought for a minute that someone had died or something. I called her name a few times, asked her about the reason she was there but she only kept staring at her right hand. Only when I came closer did I notice the diamond adorning her finger and it was my turn to stare. For a cheap ring, it had quite the effect, to say the least. Of course no explanation was needed then, but Jane had still felt inclined to tell me about Casey's 'marry me or I'll go back to Afghanistan and probably die' kind of proposal. Except that she wasn't really there just to tell me about it, it dawned on me then; she was giving me a chance to do something about it. It became clear that she was as aware of my feelings for her as I was of hers. But whatever she was expecting me to do or say at that moment didn't happen because I only stood there like an idiot until she gave up and turned to leave. Desperate to stop her, I did the only thing I could think of: I congratulated her." Letting out a flat chuckle, I shook my head at myself. "I don't know what was worse; the disappointment I saw in her eyes or the tears that had slipped down. I could never forget how angry she looked and how shaky her voice sounded when she finally replied, " _I'm done waiting for you Maur."_ When she reached her car, she said: " _If you have anything to say about this, pick me up at seven.""_

"Well that was intense!" Arizona cleared her throat, a strange expression briefly swept across her face. She seemed about to say something but hesitated, letting her gaze drop to her coffee cup. When she looked up again, the humorous glint was back in her eyes. "Quite the story, though I much prefer the scenario in my head where you waited until the wedding day to confess your undying love for her... preferably at the altar." She sighed dreamily before she pouted, "The idea of fixing it all with a single date is sweet but a bit anticlimactic, don't you think?"

"Yeah, maybe... If I did actually go on that date," I revealed slowly, barely able to hold my laughter at my friend's shocked face.

* * *

 _The night was slowly winding down, the clock ticking closer and closer to 7 pm, yet I still hadn't made any effort to leave the car. I was dimly aware of how uncomfortable the driver's seat was becoming as I sat there and watched her building like some sort of obsessed stalker. All my attention was glued to the windows of her living room that now glared in the dark like a set of angry eyes, reminding me of what I needed no reminder of. Jane was up there waiting for me to show up...to decide on my future and also hers, Casey's, and the child they had made together._

" _ **In case you needed any further reason to chicken out, I'm pregnant."**_

 _Her parting words kept taunting me all day long, ringing like a death knell inside my head. They left me mad, jealous, confused...but mostly more scared than I had ever been in my life. Making a choice had never been more daunting, and the resentment I held for Jane at that moment had almost matched the love. By throwing the ball into my court, she had put me between a rock and a hard place, forcing me to carry a burden I never asked for. The unfairness of the situation only fed my anger further...towards her, myself, and Casey who started the whole mess by asking for what he was never worthy of._

 _My wallowing was soon cut short as the lights in her apartment were suddenly turned off. Checking the time on my cellphone, I was surprised that seven had already passed by a whole five minutes ago. Despite never intending to meet the deadline, I couldn't help the brief pang of panic I felt then nor the sharp sting of tears that made me close my eyes. I had no right to cry, absolutely none._

 _When I opened my eyes again, Jane was walking out of her building, a dark dress hugging her lithe frame. I couldn't distinguish the color from a distance, but the fit was quite unmistakable. Even under the harsh streetlight, the brunette looked devastatingly stunning. For a split moment, I struggled to find my breath, partly due to the exquisite sight and partly to the fact that Jane was seemingly heading my way. But then she stopped at the curb where a cab pulled up a moment later._

 _As if it were the most logical thing to do, I followed her even though I was half convinced that she was heading to Casey's. Soon, my assumption was proven wrong as the cab led the way through the busy streets to a very familiar destination - a little French restaurant Jane and I often frequented. It wasn't her type of venue, yet she always went when I asked. The thought that she would bring someone else there left a bitter taste in my mouth. It felt like a punishment of sorts._

 _Our usual table was at the far corner of the restaurant where a huge window took up almost the entire wall. If Jane turned ever slightly to the right, she might have spotted my car across the street. Fortunately, she was too busy staring at the empty chair across from her - my usual chair. I was expecting her fiancé to claim it any minute, but when the waiter approached to take her order, I realized that I was the only one waiting because Jane certainly wasn't. Even then, it took me a few moments to catch up on what was going on; Jane had gone on our date anyway._

 _If there was a sadder sight than that beautiful woman dining alone, I couldn't think of any. It made my heart ache so much, I had to avert my eyes. Still, the image kept haunting me as if engraved on my eyelids. The way she kept staring at that chair made me want to rush there and hold her until the pain of my rejection faded away. But I couldn't get close to her anymore than I could stay away. Feeling tears burn anew, I laid my head against the steering wheel and finally let them fall._

 _A few minutes must have passed before a knock on the window made me look up. I expected a police officer with a parking ticket or even a concerned passerby, but looking back at me was none other than Jane. "Your bed isn't comfortable enough, Maur?" she said as she plopped down on the passenger seat._

 _Slack-jawed, I blinked a few time before turning to look to the restaurant where she was supposed to be. "What...How..." I stammered._

" _I'm a cop. If you're gonna follow me around, you might wanna use a more subtle car than your bright blue Prius which I drive more often then I do my own car," she pointed out as she discarded her shoes and started rubbing her heels. "What are you doing here, Maura?"_

 _It took a few seconds for the question to register and even longer for me to find my voice. "I...I don't know."_

" _Of course you don't! Like you don't know why you were camping outside my place, right?" she huffed tiredly before she turned to face me. "You were never going to get out of the damn car, were you?"_

 _Dropping her gaze, I let silence confirm what she already knew. Disappointment flashed across Jane's face as she nodded to herself. "I don't know what else to do, Maura," she let out softly after a long pause. "I exhausted all my options here. I couldn't have made my feelings any more obvious and you surely know about them. I couldn't have been any more patient either; I've waited for years. I don't know what else to do."_

 _Something about her tone made me look up, only to find her dark eyes gazing away into the night. "So, you're going to marry him," I concluded despondently._

" _Who? Casey?" the brunette snorted. Her chuckle held the faintest trace of bitterness. "He's gone Maur. I turned him down and he's gone."_

" _What do you mean he's gone?" I exclaimed quietly. "What about the baby?"_

" _People don't get married just because they're pregnant," she said decidedly. "I never intended to marry him, and the baby doesn't change that. He or she is going to be fine. We all are."_

" _You never...this wasn't an ultimatum?" I murmured almost to myself._

 _Shaking her head from side to side, Jane leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes. "No. I'm sorry I made it sound like one. I didn't mean to...or maybe I did. I don't know. The proposal, the pregnancy... they both took me by surprise. I didn't see either coming at all. I guess I freaked out," she sighed. "But I knew from the minute he slipped that ring onto my finger that I didn't want it. Just like I knew that I couldn't keep going on like this. I couldn't keep waiting for you to make up your mind. I had to know where I stand with you - if I have to let you go. Now I have my answer."_

 _The air of finality in her tone made my heart grow heavier, effectively distracting me from the ghost of a smile playing on her lips. Wanting to argue, I opened my mouth but nothing came out except a shaky breath. I wished then that Jane would look at me, maybe my eyes would speak differently than my actions had, louder than my words could. Much to my chagrin, her eyelids remained closed until a completely unexpected request slipped past my lips. "May I kiss you, then?"_

" _What?" Dark eyes cracked open, the brows above them knitted in a confused frown._

" _I...um.." I floundered for something to say but my mind was blank. I didn't know where that came from nor why my attention was now zeroing in on Jane's mouth. I wasn't even aware of leaning forward until my forehead rested against hers. "I have to know Jane, please." I found myself whispering. "Before we put this to rest, before you let me go ... I have to know how it feels to kiss you if only once."_

 _Jane didn't say anything, neither did she pull away. I took small comfort from that as her silence stretched on for too long. When she finally spoke, her voice was rough and pained. "God, Maura, I didn't even realize how badly they messed you up!"_

" _What?" I blinked in confusion. "What do you mean? Who are you talking about?"_

" _Your parents, your past lovers..." she hissed hotly, her jaw clenched tight, "whoever had a hand in turning you into this insecure, self-doubting woman who deep down believe she's unlovable. They kept giving less and less and you kept letting them until they convinced you that's all you deserve."_

 _Releasing another sigh, she drew back enough to look at me, her dark eyes boring into mine as if to reach the deepest part of my soul. "You, my friend, are lovable. So very much so," she continued firmly emphasizing every single word, "and I should know, because I do love you. You gotta stop settling for less when you deserve so much better, when you can have so much more. Let me love you, Maura. I'm not gonna hurt you...I'm not gonna ever leave you."_

" _I... I can't. I'm scared…" I breathed, feeling my whole body tremble._

" _I know. Trust me I know," she husked as she brought us close once again. "But you're here. You could have been anywhere else, yet you're here, for a reason." Reaching to cup my hands in hers, she smiled at me, "Ask me again."_

 _She didn't have to elaborate any further; the message was loud and clear. A spark of hope burst into life within me, and for a moment I couldn't hear anything above the pounding in my chest. For the first time I could remember the grip of my fears lessened around my heart, and I didn't know whether to laugh or weep. "Would you give me another chance? Would you go with me on a date?" I managed with a barely controlled voice._

 _Tilting her head high, Jane pretended to mull the question over. "Will you show up this time?" her tone teasing unlike her eyes. Lowering my head in shame, I only nodded as my throat was painfully tight with emotions._

" _And will you dress up for it?" I heard next, feeling the body beside me shaking with suppressed laughter. "I know people feel more comfortable dating their friends, but not that comfortable."_

 _Looking down at my wrinkled pajamas from the night before, I felt my face flush crimson. I didn't have the heart to look into the rear view mirror to see my bare face. I must have looked dreadful but Jane didn't seem to mind. She still looked at me as if she had never seen a more beautiful sight._

 _At my sheepish nod, the brunette finally laughed and leaned even closer. "Good," she whispered against my lips, then pulled back completely and said, "you can have your kiss then."_

* * *

The memory faded away, leaving a fond smile on my lips. It didn't waver when a twinge of longing shot through me. Somehow it only grew. Having not felt this lighthearted in a very long time, I didn't think anything could dampen it, but then I had to look at Arizona.

The blonde was sporting a smile of her own, but her eyes were glinting with something I couldn't place. The thoughtful look from earlier returned to her face, and I started feeling as though I was waiting for a verdict. "So, you're basically telling me that you knew you had feelings for each other for...what? two, three years? And you didn't do anything about it until she literally forced you to pull your head out of your ass?!" she mused, eyeing me over the rim of her coffee cup.

"Well...yes," I mumbled weakly, searching for a reason I could offer other than the puzzling truth. She wouldn't understand how love could be so terrifying for someone like me; how my heart could fear what it always craved. "It wasn't that simple," I said at last, somewhat defensively.

"It's always complicated with you, Dorth," Arizona scoffed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Smirking at my indignant frown, she answered, "While I wouldn't call you a drama queen, you've got a knack for over-analyzing things. That brain of yours, so accustomed to dealing with complex matters, sometimes it tends to complicate simple things in order to understand them." Checking her pager, she motioned to me to stand. "You gotta give it a break once in awhile, and let your heart rule for a change."

"And when exactly did you turn into a hallmark card?" I sneered good-naturedly as we made our way out of the hospital café.

"Joke all you want, Isles," Arizona grinned not bothered by my jab. "I know you. You approach things in your life the same way you do your job; you wait until it's dead before you do something about it." She sipped the remains of her coffee then made a face, "Ugh. That's cold."

"I wouldn't say so myself," I said with narrowed eyes, eliciting a hearty chuckle from the aggravating surgeon.

"I'm sorry, honey, but that's the truth," she said laughingly before she added sternly. "But you can't do that this time. It's your second chance. You can't let it slip away like you almost did nine years ago!"

"But I told you we are not back together," I called after her as we parted ways.

"Yeah yeah. Good luck with your date."

* * *

thanks for reading and leaving reviews.


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm** **so sorry about the lack of updates. I'm one of the four or five people in the world who hate summer, and the feeling is pretty much mutual.. Long boring story which involves hospitals, human hibernation, and an old demented iPad!**

 **Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I'll try to update as soon as I can.**

 **Kik4464: thank you**

* * *

His advances were ill-timed, my discomfort was ill-concealed, and Jane was just...being Jane.

It all happened too quickly. One minute, the waiter was chatting animatedly while taking our orders and the next, he was all but stumbling over himself to get away from our table. His blatant attempt at flirtation put him face to face with one of Jane's famous glares, one that was threatening more bodily harm than did her words. And before she even finished her colorful threat, the poor guy had bolted out of sight. At his hasty retreat, the place erupted in hushed murmurs, prompting Jane to dart her head around. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make a scene," she croaked tersely while scowling at the gawking patrons.

Baffled by her reaction, I eyed her for a minute but didn't linger long on the reason behind it. "It's OK. We'll just have to clear this up with the manager before we leave. No one should lose his job over a misunderstanding like this." "Misunderstanding?!" she sneered. "That was completely out of line. He was making you uncomfortable."

Seeing no room to deny the fact, I pursed my lips and drew in a cleansing breath. "Jonathan meant no harm, Jane," I stated somewhat curtly. "He has always been a bit of a flirt; everyone here knows that. It's not his fault that I'm overly sensitive to his advances just because of his gender."

The words, meant to put her at ease, only made her frown grow deeper. Her jaw worked as if she was about to say something but then thought better of it as some inner thought seemed to absorb her. Tilting my head in question, I waited for her to speak up but the brunette only shook hers and forged a placating smile.

"What is it?" I probed gently.

Jane stayed quiet for a moment then mumbled. "They still make you uncomfortable."

Uncertain whether it was meant as question or a statement, I said nothing and just watched as she chewed her bottom lip in contemplation. "This might sound a little forward, but.." she started after a beat, sounding uncharacteristically hesitant. "Have you ever slept with a man since?"

Not expecting the question, I blinked once, twice, then sucked in a rush of air. Had she just asked me that?! I felt myself grow instinctively tense and knew that whatever was going to come out of my mouth wouldn't be pleasant. Fortunately, before I could blurt anything out, Jane spoke again.

"I know it's none of my business," she offered quickly. "It's just that... um... I read somewhere that establishing a sexual connection, especially with a member of the same gender as the... uh... the assailant, is considered one of the biggest steps in the the healing process. Granted, the study was inconclusive and seemed to have focused more on the victims who were already in established relationships that lasted afterwards, which is obviously not the case here. I mean reconnecting intimately with your partner is not like trying to have sex with someone else who you don't trust or love as much. But still... sex is sex, right?! So the results should still be valid..." Realizing that she was rambling, she stopped then grimaced in frustration. "What I'm trying to say is it's been too long for you not to have taken that step... I... I'm a little bit worried, I suppose."

The sentiment behind her babble went right over my head as I was reduced once again to a gaping silence. A few seconds passed before I could close my mouth, and several more before I started thinking about giving an answer. But fumbling for one through a muddled mind quickly proved futile as did my attempt to stifle the sudden laughter bubbling inside.

"What?!" Exclaimed a very confused Jane as I gave a hearty guffaw.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to laugh at you," I wheezed, still gasping for air. "But you just asked a question that is hardly appropriate at a public setting, quoting a study that you actually read, then went off on a tangent about it. When did we exactly trade roles? And since when did you start reading?!"

That seemed to give Jane pause; dark eyes widened. A soft 'Oh!' escaped, then a short chuckle erupted, if somewhat tentatively.

"I see what you mean," she grinned. "I guess my social skills are a bit rusty these days. As for reading, I didn't really have much choice. The only way for me to understand what you went through was to read about it."

The admission was decidedly sobering even if it held no trace of accusation or rancor. Images of a bereft-looking Jane, head buried in books, trying to make sense of the mess I left behind, quickly flashed through my mind, and I suddenly found it almost impossible to swallow.

"I'm sorry you had to resort to that" I mumbled thickly.

"It is what it is," said Jane, brushing the apology aside with a slight shrug. "Besides, you always bugged me to read something more than the morning paper. These days, I read everything I can lay my hands on. So I guess something good has come out of that, after all."

She chased the weak quip with a meek smile which was returned just as meekly. Then our eyes locked and we both had to give up the charade. Holding each other's gaze, we surrendered to the anguish of the moment until it became unbearable, then looked away just as a litany of apologies announced the approaching waiter.

* * *

It didn't take her long to get rid of the second waiter either. This time, she joked about shooting him if he didn't stop apologizing. The young man only gave an awkward chuckle then walked away as fast as he could manage without running, leaving a very amused Jane in his wake.

Laughing quietly to myself, I shook my head at the exchange then turned my attention to my drink. As I looked down, my gaze landed on the neatly wrapped object laying on the table. It was a gift from Jane, one that was offered tentatively as if expected to be turned down. Running a fingertip over its thin rectangular shape, I let my mind drift back to those awkward moments where we both encountered a conundrum that we never had before, not even in the early days of our acquaintance. _How do we greet each other? Do we hug? Do we shake hands? Do we give nods like two people who barely know one another?_ As neither seemed to know the answer, we kept standing there, looking at each other until it became embarrassing, then took our seats without uttering a single word. Awkwardness had soon given way to a quiet uncertainty that had hung between us until Jane slid the gift across the table and broke the silence: " _Happy belated birthday._ "

The sweetness of the gesture had rendered me speechless for so long that the brunette took my lack of response as a sign of rejection. Just as she began to apologize for being presumptuous, I snapped out of my trance and, with the eagerness of a child, snatched the gift before it went back to her jacket pocket. Blushing heavily, I had managed a quiet 'thank you' while watching Jane's surprise melt quickly into mild amusement.

 _Why does it feel like a distant memory when it happened only a few minutes ago?_ I wondered as I sipped slowly at my tea. Sensing her looking at me, I peered up to find myself staring straight into Jane's dark eyes. She appeared to have been studying me for quite awhile and looked completely unfazed by being caught in the act.

"So..." she started conversationally as she finally had my attention. "You still haven't answered my question yet."

Taking a minute to reply, I searched her face for any sign of discomfort but drew a blank. "Don't you see how weird it is for us to be discussing who I may or may not have slept with?!" I hedged, my tone a mixture of annoyance and puzzlement.

"I wasn't actually referring to that." Jane stated matter-of-factly. "You've already given me the answer to that question."

The words struck instantly with the element of surprise, then with the magnitude of implication behind them. Mortified, I hastened to look down, but Jane immediately leaned forward to catch my eyes. "Hey, don't do that. It's nothing to be ashamed of. We're both adults here; no one expected you to become a nun—"

"I know..." I cut her off briskly, raking shaking fingers through my hair. "I just... don't want to talk about it."

My jaw throbbed as my teeth gritted tightly against the memories of the embarrassing disaster my private life had become. There wasn't anything about it that was worth remembering much less mentioning. And certainty nothing was worth the celebratory tone that, oddly enough, laced my wife's voice. She sounded relieved and I, once again, felt angered by how understanding she had been throughout the whole thing.

Jane's apology vaguely registered in my brain and I only caught the tail end of it. "—It's hardly my favorite topic either, but it's good to know you're doing OK," I heard her mumble. "Anyway, what I meant was the question I asked before we got interrupted the first time. Was yesterday too much? You don't seem like you got much sleep last night."

Relieved at the change of subject, I gulped down more of my tea, wishing it wasn't too early in the day for a stronger drink. "It was certainly a lot to process," I admitted with a little smile. "When I went home, my mind went totally into overdrive. I guess that got me a little too wound up to sleep." Noticing a slight frown creasing her forehead, I rushed to amend. "Don't get me wrong; yesterday really helped. You were right, I needed it even if I didn't realize it. It's just that... it was kind of like opening the floodgates, and everything came rushing back."

Smiling her sympathy, Jane propped her elbows on the table, her hands wrapped around her coffee cup. She stayed quiet for a long moment before asking softly. "Anything you wanna share?

Albeit aware of how unfit the place was to what I had in mind, I nodded, for I couldn't bring myself to deny her, even if I had vowed to never tell a soul about that night.

"For some reason, I can't stop thinking about the night before I left." I started tentatively, noting a slight shift in Jane's expression. "I mean, I always think about it, but this time is different. Things are becoming clearer in my head and I think you deserve to know about this." Swallowing hard, I paused, inhaled deeply, then let the air escape slowly in one, long sigh." That night, I went out. It was the first time I left the house since the incident. You had been back to work almost a week prior, and even though I was the one to suggest it, I had a hard time staying at the house alone; Just me with my thoughts and relentless streams of flashbacks. That day, in particular, was a tough one, and all I knew was that I had to get out of there. Driving my car wasn't an option, so I called a cab, and soon found myself in this shady bar.. .. And although I tried to convince myself, for years, that I was there only for a drink, I don't think that was my only motive."

Allowing the words to sink in for a moment, I found myself unable to look at Jane any longer. As ambiguous as the confession was, I knew she would pick up on what was left unsaid, and I doubted I could bear to see the look on her face. Casting my gaze away, I continued, willing my voice to remain steady. "I tortured myself for years but never seemed to understand what drove me to do it. I deemed it a terrible lapse in judgment, and left it at that… but deep down, I've always known there was more to it. Now, I think it was all about not wanting to be a victim anymore. And in my prevailing state of mind, the only way to do that was to feel in control again...to have control over somebody else...over a man."

"Because every man was him," supplied Jane quietly as if she had just come to the conclusion.

"Yeah, I guess," I sniffled before pulling in a long, shuddery breath. "So, when some guy offered to buy me a drink I let him. When he started to flirt, I flirted back. And... when he asked if I wanted to get out of there, I led the way." My voice cracked at that and I bit hard on my lips to keep the tears back. "I didn't think about you or... our marriage. All that mattered, at that moment, was the way I felt, in control, which is ironic really, since all my actions that night suggest the complete opposite."

From the corner of my eye, I saw Jane nod slowly, absorbing the words. "What happened after you left the bar?" she asked after a beat.

"Nothing actually. We barely made it through the door before I panicked and started hitting him with my purse." I gave a short, mirthless laugh that soon trailed off into a soft sob as I buried my face in my hands. "God, I can't believe I was going to do that to you."

"None of that was about me, and I don't think you would have gone through with it, anyway," I heard Jane say in response.

"I wish I could believe that," I replied mournfully. "I really do, but can't. I was completely out of sorts that night, I could hardly recognize myself. I'm not so sure of what I could or couldn't have done."

My pitiful mumble was met with a loud, cynical snort that made me look up. "You know that's bullshit, Maura," argued Jane meekly. "He barely touched your arm and you lost your shit. What does that tell you?"

"That doesn't m—" I started to counter, but something about her argument brought me to a halt. It wasn't the firm conviction she spoke with or even the peculiarity of the fact that she had come to my defense. It was rather that small detail that she let slip and had us both tense almost simultaneously. "How did you know about that?" I asked, a hint of apprehension creeping into my voice. "How did you know he touched my arm?"

Jane blinked slowly at the question before casting her stare down. My dread mounted quickly as her silence stretched, and it was all I could do not to shake her into talking. But then, she peered up at me and my breath hitched audibly. It was startling how much one could reveal with a single look.

* * *

Everything around us seemed to fade; every movement stilled and every sound ceased except for the rough monotone of her voice as she shared the side of the story I never knew existed.

"I wasn't spying on you or anything," she assured me, meeting my eyes with a fleeting glance. "It's just that when I came home and didn't find you, I freaked out. You hadn't said anything about going out, you didn't leave any massages, your cellphone was on the counter along with your car keys... so you can't blame me for drawing the obvious conclusion." She shrugged then continued, "Finding you this time was a piece of cake. All I had to do was check your last call, track the cabbie then drive to the bar. So yeah, in case you were wondering, I saw the whole thing, though I wasn't really sure what to make of it. To anyone else, it might have looked painfully obvious, but not to me...I guess I...I've loved you long enough not to trust my eyes."

Placing the cup down on the table, she started circling the rim with the tip of her finger. She watched the idle movement in a long, thoughtful silence before she resumed talking. "You know...I could go on and on about how it felt to sit there in the car and watch, but none of that really matters. It won't serve any purpose but make you feel even shittier than you do now which is not fair. Everything about this makes it so easy to throw all the blame on you. In people's eyes, in yours, you are the bad guy, the one who screwed everything up, while I the poor wife who had done nothing but be there for you only to have her little heart broken by your ungrateful self." She scoffed, her tone dripping with heavy sarcasm. "No one ever thought of how much of the blame I shoulder, not even me."

Confusion quickly wove its way through my thoughts, causing a slight crease to form between my brows. _What possibly could she have done wrong when she was nothing but a victim herself?!_

As if hearing my thoughts, Jane glanced my way, her face settled on a soft, almost pitying look. "I was supposed to be home early that day," she let out with a hefty sigh. "Instead, I went to Frost's and continued working on some case. When it got late, I drove aimlessly around the city until the time I knew you would be asleep...or rather locking yourself in the bedroom, pretending to be asleep. Anyhow, I had done the same thing every day since I went back to work, convincing myself that I was only respecting your wishes and giving the space you asked for. But the truth was that I didn't want to come home. I didn't want to see how red-rimmed your eyes looked or hear how coarse your voice sounded after crying your heart out all day. I didn't want to be reminded of how helpless I was. So I stayed away as long as I could get away with, pretending that everything was going to be OK, ignoring anything that might have suggested otherwise."

A sneer of disgust curled the corner of her mouth as she spoke, and all I could do was listen, unable to utter a single word. "I took vows to stand by your side no matter what, but when the shit hit the fan, I bailed. Maybe not the way you did, but I still bailed on you...emotionally at the very least. All because I couldn't get past the fact that you were hurt and I had nothing I could do about it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it, or maybe just refused to do so. I shielded you from everyone and everything afterwards, thinking I was protecting you, but it was really myself I was protecting. I basically pushed away every single person in our life who knew about what happened, because they were a reminder of the nightmare being more than just that. They made it hard for me to pretend it never happened which I was desperately trying to do. Denial was a welcome escape and I let myself drown in it. And where did that leave you?! Lonely, isolated, having no one there but a wife who was too absorbed in her own shit to see what was going on. I still can't believe how vain and selfish and... and stupid I was to think that I could fix everything by myself...that I was all you needed to pull through. It took me too long to understand that no matter what I did or said, it would never be enough, simply because 'broken' cannot fix 'broken.' And by the time I finally reached that earth-shattering discovery, you were gone the next morning." Words seemed to momentarily fail her and she settled on shaking her head to convey her bitterness. "That night, with the whole bar thing and your breakdown later, was like an overdue wake up call for me...like seeing the iceberg when it's too fucking late to do anything about it."

At that point, her husky voice had subsided into a mere whisper and her dark features took on a faraway look. Her body was achingly present in front of me, but her mind was clearly lost in another world, another place, another time. With every word she uttered, she seemed to slip slowly from the grasp of reality into the black hole of the past...into the gaping jaws of guilt.

On its own accord, my hand sought hers across the table with a desperate sense of urgency that had us both startled. I felt Jane stiffen a little at the contact, her eyes screwed shut, her chest heaving with a sharp intake of air. Expecting her to recoil from the touch, I was surprised to feel the warmth of her palm against mine as she turned her hand to lace our fingers together. Her thumb shook slightly against my skin, tracing familiar patterns over the back of my hand. The moment lasted for a few painful heartbeats before Jane reopened her eyes and smiled... a smile born of love, sorrow, and years worth of regret.

"See, you're not the only one who fucked up."

* * *

A reverent hush descended upon us while the place around buzzed anew with activity, as if the resume button had just been pressed. The shock of the revelation was slowly wearing off, yet I still couldn't think of anything to say in return. Every thought, every question, and every feeling I had at that moment felt so ineffable, and just beyond words.

Regaining my bearings, I noticed a few people staring at us. The attention, this time, was confusing as neither of us was crying, shouting, or doing anything that would make us conspicuous. Maybe it was the twin looks plastering our faces. Somehow we had managed to look even more lost than we did on that park bench the day before.

Jane, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind the stares anymore than she did the silence. Her gaze was trained out the window while her right hand fidgeted absentmindedly with the rings hanging around her neck. She rolled them between her fingers in a slow, repetitive motion; the engagement ring first, then the wedding band. The mere sight of them made my stomach twist into painful knots, and all of a sudden, my left hand felt naked and awfully empty. I had to hide it in my lap.

Feeling emotionally overwhelmed, I tore my eyes away from the necklace, but not before catching a glimpse of what looked like a silver dog tag hanging concealed under her undershirt. I had many patients brought to my table with similar tags on their person; soldiers and civilians with medical conditions or religious beliefs that they wanted known in case of an emergency. Contemplating the only possibility that could apply to Jane, I found myself hoping that she only wore it as a fashion statement; a thought that would have made me laugh if I wasn't too busy fighting the lump rising in my throat. Too afraid of the answer, however, I dared not ask. Instead, I chose to focus on something else, something safe; her left hand that was still intertwined with mine, the sharp lines of her face that seemed to soften in mid afternoon glow, the corner of her lips that were twitching slowly up in a lopsided smirk…

"You're staring," she stated gently without looking at me.

She sounded amused and I found myself grinning despite the flush creeping over my cheeks. "Or maybe I just happened to look your way while deep in thought," I replied.

"Hmm...if you say so, Doc!" she teased, turning to face me. A genuine smile was now lighting her features, prompting her dimples to make a shy yet pleasant appearance. "What got the wheels in your big brain turning, if I may ask?" she pried.

"It's nothing really," I answered, my eyes flickering briefly to her chest then back to her face. "I… it's just that I can't help thinking what a shame it is that this talk had to wait all these years to happen. I could easily see it take place in an entirely different setting...our living room perhaps, with less of an audience, more emotion, tears, and maybe a lot of things getting smashed against the walls so we didn't break each other or walk away. A bit dramatic, I know, but regardless of how it went, it would have been better than this, where this heart-to-heart has so little consequence for our marriage. Thinking that I— we had a chance to fix it and missed it is making me sad and mad and... It's just not fair!"

My voice betrayed some of the distress I felt, and Jane felt need to give my hand a calming squeeze. "I hate to be cliché, but when has life ever been about fairness?" she asked bluntly but not unkindly. "Shit happens, Maur, all the time, and like they say 'tragedies are accumulations of misfortunes.'"

Giving a noncommittal shrug, she motioned to the waiter for a refill then continued, "You and I went through a lot together. Life threw us one too many curveballs; we dodged some, we caught some...but that one... that one we never saw coming... It hit us so hard it broke us. Is it a shame we didn't survive it? Yeah, sure it is. Could we have done more? tried harder? I don't know. Sometimes, it all feels so inevitable that I can't even imagine any other outcome. And sometimes, doubt wins and regret rears its ugly head and every shitty feeling I kept bottled up comes to the surface to join the pity party. That's a path you don't wanna walk down, Maur; It leads to fucking nowhere."

The assumption that I hadn't been there already made me smile but I didn't comment on it. "I envy you, you know," I revealed instead. "How far you've come to accept what happened is...really inspiring. Acceptance requires a kind of bravery I never dreamed of possessing, a willingness to own up to your mistakes, face the consequences, then let it all go unconditionally. Although it might not seem that way, the last part is always the hardest."

Jane stayed quiet for a long minute before she nodded knowingly. "Yeah, letting go is never easy...and sometimes, it's not even an option." she mumbled softly almost to herself.

She didn't seem keen to elaborate, and the conversation lulled yet again into quietness. The silence this time didn't feel as heavy or suffocating anymore. Something between us had shifted, and we both could feel it when our gazes locked and neither rushed to look away. Our eyes roamed each other's faces then, acknowledging the other's presence in a way we hadn't allowed ourselves before. It was as if only at that moment did we fully believe the fact that we were back in each other's lives.

My vision was quickly glazing over, yet I still could see Jane as she struggled with her emotions, her façade crumbling like an old, worn wall trying stubbornly not to fall. She was visibly shaken and looked as if she might come apart at the seams. Feeling the urge to touch her again, I reached for her only to have her bolting out of her seat, mumbling an excuse to make a call.

She came back ten minutes later with a grim face and a quick apology for taking too long on the phone. I gave a faint smile in return and chose not to call her out on her lie. From what little I had seen through the glass, the call hadn't lasted for more then 30 seconds and was only made right before she walked back in.

"Is everything ok?" I asked tentatively, eyeing the burner phone still clenched in her fist.

Following my line of vision, Jane spotted the phone then hurriedly hid it back in her jacket. In the process, a crumpled piece of paper dropped out of her pocket, but she didn't seem to notice. "Yeah...It's nothing you should worry yourself about... Just work." she answered at last with a fake light tone.

I thought for a minute about what I knew about the case, and frowned a little as a strange sense of unease coursed through me; I was worried about someone I've never met before. "Is it about your partner's husband?" I ventured, causing Jane to dart her head so swiftly, I thought she might have hurt her neck.

"How— what do you know about that?" she inquired warily.

"I know he's missing. As for how I know... your people have a reputation, Jane. They talk a lot."

Jane cursed under her breath then set her jaw tight. "They're not my people. I work with them but they are not my people." she hissed through clenched teeth. "They're a bunch of useless morons you cannot trust or count on, apparently."

"I heard about what happened with Agent Donovan," I told her with a sympathetic grimace. "I'm glad you're OK."

Stilling her movement, Jane studied me for awhile, her surprise morphing into vague suspicion. "Not many people knew about what really happened."

I realized too late how much I had given away, and didn't know how to reply without revealing more. "I performed his autopsy myself, remember; the thing that shouldn't have happened, given the status of our relationship," I pointed out, hoping to to steer the conversation away from where it was headed. Jane opened her mouth to reply but I quickly cut her off. "I know now that there is no need for me to worry. I had to check with your superiors the minute I knew about your involvement in Donovan's death."

The lack of tact made me flinch a little but Jane didn't look bothered at all. "Yeah, you're in the clear, but the thing is that you shouldn't have had any reason to check since you weren't supposed to know about my 'involvement.' You didn't have access to the ballistic report. So how did you come across that piece of information?"

I was reminded then of how intimidating Jane could be during an interrogation, and tried hard not to fidget in my seat. "I happened to have accidentally overheard someone discussing the subject," I parried and she quirked her brow urging for more. "It was during the viewing. I was practically forced to witness the exchange between the victim's girlfriend and one of your agents."

Jane fell quiet at that, some of the color receding from her already pale face. "I'll take a stab in the dark and guess that the agent's name was Ward, right?" she muttered then swore softly when I nodded.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," I whispered.

"It's not your fault," she said, rubbing a hand over her face. "It's all on those two idiots, running their mouths off when they shouldn't. Now I have to clean up after them too. God, I hate this job sometimes."

There was more to that than she let on, but I decided wisely not to push. Jane was tired and annoyed, and the subject only managed to stress her further. "How on earth did you end up working for the Bureau, anyway?" I asked instead. "You never had any kind words to say about them."

Jane's dark features showed surprise at the change of topic, along with a thinly veiled relief. "I still don't. Nothing good could be said about entitled assholes in suits, me included." She sneered wearily then relaxed back into the booth. "Hoyt put me on their radar and they had been after me ever since. Their last offer was about three months prior to the incident, but we were trying to start a family. It wasn't the right time to consider a career change. But after what happened, I jumped at the chance. The job itself is not half bad... it's perfect for me, actually; it pays the bills, keeps me busy most of the time, and I get to do what I'm good at at a higher level. I'm practically living the dream."

Her exaggerated drawl made me laugh and she seemed to perk up a little at the sound. "Tell me more about your life," I asked.

"There isn't much to say, really." She sighed, "I moved to DC right after Frost's funeral, started the job the day after. Somehow along the way, I got tangled up in my partner's life. Now, I'm a godmother to her kids, and sort of honorary member in her little family. Aside from that, there is nothing worth mentioning." She shrugged with indifference. "It's not as bad as I make it out to be sometimes. It's just different; a far cry from what I thought my life would be at this point."

A veil of sadness shadowed her eyes for a brief moment before she blinked it away. "How about you?"

* * *

We carried an easy conversation after that, and as if in mutual agreement, we avoided the heavy topics. I told her about the months I spent between Switzerland and Paris before moving back to the states and giving birth to James at the very same hospital I work in. I told her about my friends, my work and my life as a single mother. Jane listened the whole time with rapt attention, absorbing the details with a genuine, hungry curiosity. In return, she shared more about Alice, Matt and even Adam, her fond smile growing wider as she spoke about Jayden and Emma. Her affection for that family clearly ran deeper than she let on, deeper than she even realized. Soon we started trading stories about our kids, and I laughed hard, smiled wide, and made a valiant effort not to cry. _It wasn't supposed to be this way,_ I kept thinking while talking out loud about the life I made after her, mourning in silence the life I didn't get to spend with her.

"You did well, Maura,.. for yourself and for your son... you did remarkably well." Jane said softly, breaking through my funk. "I knew you would make a great mother."

The compliment itself was touching, but pride lacing her words was what warmed my heart. "I can say the same about you. Jayden absolutely adores you."

"Oh, it's not the same," she waved a dismissive hand but looked elated nonetheless. "I wouldn't know the first thing about motherhood. I love the kid to pieces but he's not my son, much to my mother's chagrin. I helped to raise him but I'm not responsible for him like you are for James. I'm more like the cool aunt with the privileges of a non-custodial parent." She gave a short, sibilant laugh, amused by her own phrasing. "It's a pretty good arrangement though, if for nothing else, it gets my mother off my back about giving her grandchildren, and now with Emma, hopefully she will drop the nagging altogether. I'm almost forty and single, and the woman still holds hope."

I chuckled at her trademark eyeroll and I couldn't believe how much I missed that little annoying habit. "Maybe someday. You never know," I murmured sincerely.

Something flickered behind her eyes, but was quickly covered with an indulgent smile. "Yeah, maybe," she whispered before reaching to her cane. "Anyway, I kinda promised the kids I would swing by before they went home. Wanna come along?"

Nodding assent, I motioned to the waiter for the bill, almost forgetting all about Jonathan. At his mention, Jane groaned but agreed to wait outside while I spoke to the manager. Gathering up my purse, I noticed the ball of paper from earlier lying on the floor. Without a second thought, I picked it up and uncrumpled it the best I could. I recognized my wife's messy scrawl, some of it more untidy than the rest, as if written on separate occasions.

' _I saw her today. She looks more beautiful than I remember...the short hair suits her, and the light shade brings out the green in her eyes. I wish I could tell her. I wish I didn't allow myself to look._

 _She touched me today. Her touch seems to have the power to undo time. It made me feel like it was only yesterday did I last bask in its warmth. I wish she hadn't_ _touch_ _ed me. I feel cold and empty now._

 _Today isn't a blissful day, it seems. My blissful days are always the days when I manage to forget how long it's been since she left. They're rare and very far between. I can't remember the last time I forgot._

 _I can't run from her this time. I tried but ended up coming back to her. She has yet to leave either but I know she will. She always does at the end of the dream.'_

"It's a part of therapy," I heard somewhere above my head. Peering up, I was startled to see Jane towering over me. "I came back to see what took you so long."

Looking back to the note, I realized that my hands were shaking and drops of moisture were coursing down my cheeks. How long had I sat there, staring at the words? I couldn't tell.

"It's supposed to help you process your feelings and shit like that. It doesn't work usually, but today it did," she added with a dull, unemotional voice. Her eyes wouldn't meet mine and I wondered if she was too angry to look at me.

I knew I should apologize and explain, but try as I might, nothing would come out of my mouth. I was in a daze and seemed to have lost my ability to think, speak or do anything but stare tearfully at Jane. Next, I felt myself moving as if my body belongs to another. My legs brought me into her personal space, then my arms wrapped themselves around her, pulling her into a tight, impulsive hug.

Jane stood stiff in my embrace at first, then slowly let her body sag against mine, drawing me further into her warmth. As neither of us was keen to pull away, we kept standing there, holding each other until it had become embarrassing. Then, we started toward the door without uttering a single word, leaving curious eyes gawking in our wake.

* * *

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